To pull out of hen do due to promotion?

[tearoomtrash]

I have recently taken up a new post at work and it's going really well so far. I have worked at the company for several years and have a network of great friends. I am now in a position of senior responsibility.

My problem is that I now line manage some of them and so made the decision to pull out of a colleague's hen weekend, for fear of it being seen as unprofessional/favouritism. I have paid up my share, plus put in a bit extra for a round of drinks.

Unfortunately the hen and my other friends have taken it badly, and don't understand why I don't feel able to attend.

AIBU?

[mrsjay]

neither do I you are entitled to a privATE LIfe I am sure you can be a manager and a friend i think you have isolated yourself already before you have even started tbh

[Snog]

Depends whether the friendships are more important than your work ambitions?

[tracypenisbeaker]

YABU- to me it would stink of 'I'm better than you now, so I can't be seen with you,' regardless of whether that is your intention.

[HandragsNGladbags]

You should go and don't get hammered and embarrass yourself.

I am senior to everyone in the office all my work friends. Some I don't socialise with, others I do but keep an eye on what I drink, a couple my friendships are strong enough to overtake the work connection and I trust them entirely.

I wouldn't just not go.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Even as a line manager you are allowed friends.

However I can totally understand why you're unsure about going, it can be difficult to manage people who see you as a mate first and foremost.

I would be inclined to go, if only to show face otherwise there may be ongoing bad feeling about you getting "too big for your boots" following your promotion.

In your position I'd go to this one and going forwards politely decline invites.

[BarbaraWoodlouse]

Sorry but I think YABU. I socialise with some of my direct reports and have socialised with my managers (including going to each other's weddings).

Yes, it's a tricky line to walk sometimes, but IMO it can be done. Just be very careful re not sharing confidential work information and being too pally in front of other workers.

As you were already invited to/going to the hen weekend it does seem like overkill to cancel. I understand your motives but can see why they are upset.

[bedhaven]

I totally understand where you're coming from but as it's recent promotion maybe you could take the transition to manager more slowly. Go on the hen but don't get hammered and do anything you'd rather not show but equally don't put a dampener on their fun. Once you''ve done a few of their appraisals etc they'll stop inviting you!

[HairyPotter]

I would be a bit hurt if you called off tbh. It could seem as if you are too important to play with the little people if you had already accepted the invite.

I suppose if you are planning to keep social and work life completely separate from now, then you might get away with it. Is it worth it though?

[MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams]

YABU.

[nooka]

I agree it's tricky. I found that socialising too much with my work team did lead to issues. Fine to go out for an occasional drink, but not so great to get drunk with, and important not to only socialise with a small number of the team. In this instance I'd go but not stay very long.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

I think yabu.

[specialsubject]

just go. Don't get drunk to the point of doing something stupid (which is a fairly good rule for life anyway) and if someone else does, develop amnesia.

[scaevola]

I think you should have chosen to go regardless.

The advice about it getting hammered is good, but no reason whatsoever why you can't socialise with your team.

[TondelayoSchwarzkopf]

YABU - you've tried to be seen to be doing the right thing but in fact it's backfired a bit and you look as if you're distancing yourself.

I would never be BFF with someone I employed and I don't go socialising a lot after work - but I do go out with one of my reports every few months (we have a shared hobby - that sounds sinister - it isn't!) and we have a few drinks and a laugh. Colleagues at all levels go to each others' weddings and my MD is Facebook friends with a lot of the more junior staff (NOT me!) - I do work in a more informal / sociable industry than most though but it hasn't stopped professionalism or the job getting done.

Swallow your pride and go don't get bladdered and shag the stripper - it's always useful to be on friendly terms with the people who work for you and you don't have to be unprofessional.

[TidyDancer]

YABU. Easy one to call.

[Morgause]

YABVU.

[DisappointedHorse]

I'd just go, I've often socialised with line managers and direct reports.

Actually, if the senior managers are happy to socialise, it makes me respect them more. It's much more team spirited.

You don't have to make an arse of yourself, there is a middle ground.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

My place of work is big into team socialising. My entire team including a v important person within the firm all go. So it is doable.

[Sunnysummer]

YABU. I appreciate what you intended, but the message that they actually will have received is that you valued their friendship so little that you were happy to drop them the moment you got the promotion, and that you are most likely too big for your boots. From their perspective, they have lost a friend and gained a not-very-appealing manager.

As you get more senior you have to deal with these issues more often. Is the wedding still to come? Maybe have fun with them then and apologise, or at least let them know in the meantime that you missed going?

[sandfrog]

YABU to drop out of an invitation you've already accepted.

[JapaneseMargaret]

Yes, what everyone else said.

[Tee2072]

I'm on the fence on this one. I hate hen dos anyway, but I do think it can be tricky to transition to management and it might actually help if you go.

Just don't get blotto.