My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

about DP's antics

51 replies

MarkLamarrsQuiff · 30/11/2013 13:05

While DP was at the supermarket just now I went upstairs to use the computer and found a spunk covered t-shirt beside the keyboard HmmAngry.

He had a wank earlier this morning while DD and I were downstairs 1000 x Hmm Angry.

I'm 5 weeks pregnant and we haven't had sex in a while as I'm feeling sick, knackered and frankly not in the mood.

I'm furious and tore into him about being an inconsiderate wanker (literally and figuratively).

He's sorry but thinks I'm over-reacting.

We're going away tonight for a meal and a stay in a nice B+B and I'm fucked off that he's done this and now I'm in a mood.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Report
MarkLamarrsQuiff · 30/11/2013 13:09

Anyone?

OP posts:
Report
KeepingUpWithTheJonses · 30/11/2013 13:11

It depends on why you're upset.

Upset that he had a wank = yabu.

Upset about not rinsing out his own spunk covered t shirt = yanbu.

Report
ImperialBlether · 30/11/2013 13:12

I would be angry about the t-shirt.

However, isn't five weeks pregnant only one week late? You must have had sex three weeks ago!

I think you're over reacting to him dealing with his sexual frustration on his own - I think everyone has the right to do what they want to their own body. About the t-shirt - no, you're not being unreasonable - he's an animal!

Report
MarkLamarrsQuiff · 30/11/2013 13:13

I'm not upset about him wanking.

I'm upset about him doing it while DD and I are downstairs. Presumably he was watching porn on the PC and the possibility of DD walking in on that is not on at all.

And I'm bloody fuming at him leaving the tshirt beside the keyboard for me or DD to find.

OP posts:
Report
oldgrandmama · 30/11/2013 13:14

Agree with KeepingUpWithTheJonses.

Report
Only1scoop · 30/11/2013 13:14

Ughhh....does he not know how to use the washer....what are you most upset about?

Report
TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 30/11/2013 13:15

He thinks it's acceptable to leave sperm covered clothing lying around?

That's disgusting.

I can't comment on the masturbation issue because I don't personally feel that masturbating is in itself a problem. If it is related to porn, or being done while refusing to be intimate with your partner, then those are issues, and certainly leaving your bodily fluids on clothing for someone else to clear up is totally disrespectful, but a person choosing to privately relieve themselves because their partner does not currently want to have sex is a logical way to deal with it. Better to understand that your partner isn't feeling like it an just sort yourself out than sit there sulking or pressuring someone.

But I say again - covering clothing with your sperm and leaving it lying around - MINGING!

Rub his nose in it.

Literally.

Report
MarkLamarrsQuiff · 30/11/2013 13:16

Imperial - I left out a 1.

15 weeks pregnant.

And as I've said, I have no problem with him having a tug. In private.

OP posts:
Report
KeepingUpWithTheJonses · 30/11/2013 13:16

Yabu on the second point.

I would take a bet that you had sex yourself about...oh...3 weeks ago, with your dd in the next (or close) bedroom?

Double standards. Why does it matter that you were downstairs with dd?

Report
Only1scoop · 30/11/2013 13:17

Op....I see your point I wouldn't be happy about his lack of discretion and as for the t-shirt I'd just bin it.

Report
KeepingUpWithTheJonses · 30/11/2013 13:18

He WAS in private though.

Unless you could hear him moaning, or the ceiling fan was shaking with the movement of his arm, I really don't see the issue.

Report
skittycat · 30/11/2013 13:20

YABU. He was upstairs doing it in private (which you obviously didn't notice so evidentially wasn't being loud about or anything)

The only thing he should have done is dealt with the tshirt.

Report
JumpingJackSprat · 30/11/2013 13:22

God that's disgusting. I think I would actually want to be sick if I found that. What if your child has found it? There's a time and place for sexual gratification that's not it! !

Report
peanutbutterandbanana · 30/11/2013 13:22

Hello! Are you cross that he may have been looking at pictures on the internet? Or are you cross that he pleasured himself without you? In both cases I can understand why you are cross, but there are two different issues here. I guess I'm a bit older than you and I once searched my DH's history and found that he had been watching some porn. I was very cross and then very sarcastic. However..... in my older age I realise that watching porn does not mean that you don't fancy the person you married or chose to have children with. I don't like it, but I think that men do it. Period. They cannot see anything wrong with it.

I'm guessing that you are in a very hormonal state and this must be the last straw. However, my advice to you is that your partnership is something incredibly important and valuable and I would suggest that you might see this in a different light if you give it some distance. I have learnt that it is always best to wait 24 hours so that I myself have calmed down over whatever it is that has pissed me off and then I ask to have a conversation about it. In a reasonable and non-sarcastic or angry tone. Bloody difficult, but ultimately better than a full-blown row. You do need to work out what you want to achieve from any 'discussion' or 'row' or 'altercation'. If it is to make you feel good and him feel punished then that is a negative thought. If you want to a) understand why he did it, b) explain how you feel and why it upsets you and c) ensure it doesn't happen again then you need to take a very different approach.

I'm guessing DP will now be feeling guilty or bad, but also defensive. In the male psyche he has done nothing wrong. They do think differently to us. Please go and take several deep breaths, go and give him a hug and ask him if you can talk about this later, not at meal out, but perhaps when you are snuggled up in bed much later. Just ask him to explain why he did it and then tell him how it made you feel and ask him if he could please not do it so obviously in future (or at all if you really do not like it). He obviously needed some attention this morning and you were not available. Don't be too hard on him. He is, after all, only a man!!!

Report
ImperialBlether · 30/11/2013 13:29
Report
Fairenuff · 30/11/2013 13:29

Was he looking at porn? Have you asked him.

I would not have a problem with him wanking.

I would have a problem with him looking at porn.

I would have a problem with him not clearing up after himself.

In the male psyche he has done nothing wrong. They do think differently to us.

Maybe the males that you know peanut but my dh and I think the same about wanking and porn, so perhaps you should amend your sweeping statement Hmm

Report
MarkLamarrsQuiff · 30/11/2013 13:34

Right. For clarification as people don't seem to be bothering to read my replies Hmm.

I have no problem with DP having an occasional wank. Especially if it means I can have a brew and watch Masterchef instead of having sex Wink.

I do not like porn but do not feel strongly enough about him using it occasionally to end my relationship. I know he uses it to wank.

I don't feel it was an appropriate time or location to have a wank.

I think he could have used some self control and done it at a different time or in the bathroom where no-one would interrupt him.

I am angry that he left a sticky spunk covered t-shirt right where he finished. He was thoughtless and downright stupid.

OP posts:
Report
Cluffyflump · 30/11/2013 13:35

He is after all, only a man!!
Fuck me sideways with brass nobs on.


That is all.

Report
MarkLamarrsQuiff · 30/11/2013 13:36

peanut I don't know where to start with your post.

Jaysus wept.

OP posts:
Report
Cluffyflump · 30/11/2013 13:39

Thoughtless and stupid.
YANBU.

Report
tweetytwat · 30/11/2013 13:40

I'm buying peanut a calendar for Christmas. As they seem to think it's still the fiftiesHmm

Report
Hawkmoth · 30/11/2013 13:41

Peanut that is just classic. Well done. You must have been waiting weeks for the perfect thread.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Hawkmoth · 30/11/2013 13:44

But OP, agree.

  1. not the time or place
  2. disgusting, scruffy and entitled
  3. almost as if he's not even going to try for your trip away

    Selfish idiot.
Report
Fairenuff · 30/11/2013 13:47

Ok, so you only have a problem with the time, location and t-shirt.

In that case I do think you are being ott.

Just tell him to make sure he cleans up after himself and locks himself in the bathroom next time.

Report
peanutbutterandbanana · 30/11/2013 14:12

Peanut is very old and peanut has been through hell and back over the years for various reasons. A few years ago I discovered DH had been looking at porn and worked out he had been wanking. Was angry and cross and full of fury, but ultimately, after discussing with many girlfriends, over many coffees, that perhaps I was being unreasonable in expecting men a) not to look at porn and b) not to wank in private as many of them could not understand my very conservative viewpoint. I was shocked and I was upset at my DH. But, as I say, many other women from many different parts of my life did not take the same view as me. So I thought about it a lot and my views were adjusted. My comment at the end about 'after all he is only a man' was a bit tongue in cheek. Sorry that some of you couldn't see that. I was trying to help OP because I have been in a similar place and realised that my original angry response with my DH did not help and I had to try something else.

The question is perhaps moving onto Is It Acceptable for DHs and DPs to watch porn? And then it moves into whether porn as an industry is acceptable. Many think it abuses women (including me), but I've seen documentaries where strong feisty women who do it say 'no, it doesn't'. The world is full of different opinions, luckily. But my post was designed to try and help the OP who is obviously going to have a pretty unpleasant day/evening so the myriad of issues she raised cannot be dealt with in one or two snappy sentences or by bitching at the views of others.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.