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to think that no I don't want to share the money equally

(153 Posts)
bassingtonffrench Fri 29-Nov-13 13:58:07

my DH's very wealthy relative has being giving away a large collection of rare coins / medals to all her friends and relatives. We have received one as have his two siblings. They are not of sentimental value and were bought as an investment. I think it is a bit of an inheritance tax dodge. Anyway, various people have sold them and some are worth a lot more than others, but this is not at all obvious until they are valued. I think they were given fairly randomly but I'm not sure.

Anyway, I asked MIL if she would like to look into selling ours (she had sold hers some time previously so knew what she was doing) and she said yes. unbeknown to me, DHs siblings also decided to sell at this point.

much time passed. Then SIL called saying ours had been valued at a bit more than the other two, around £3k, did I want to sell? I said yes, defnitely.

The medals have now sold

Ours £4k
Siblings, £3k and £2k.

FIL then suggests it would be 'nice' if the money were shared equally.

I am a bit annoyed because

a)I thought the medals were given in the spirit of a lottery and I actually quite liked the idea of it being a bit of a gamble

b)this idea was never suggested when I agreed to value and sell, and had it been I may well have held onto the medal for a few more years and then sold privately

c) siblings have no dependents whereas we do

to my knowledge, this is not being pushed by the siblings, more the parents, who feel it is the 'right' thing to do.

I feel i have no choice, but AIBU in feeling a bit put out about this?

tinyturtletim Fri 29-Nov-13 14:00:09


I wouldn't share the money with them! Tell them no you need the cash for your coin.

pianodoodle Fri 29-Nov-13 14:02:12

How do they know for sure you weren't deliberately given the higher value one?

I'd see what my husband thought if it was his relative.

Mim78 Fri 29-Nov-13 14:02:21

If the siblings don't care there is probably no issue. I'd let DH deal with it with his brother and sister as it is his family.

hardboiledpossum Fri 29-Nov-13 14:03:25

what does you dh think? this should be his choice.

Kundry Fri 29-Nov-13 14:03:44

Sharing would be the fair way to go but should have been discussed right from the outset before they were even valued. It doesn't sound as if the relative really thought it was 'the spirit of a lottery' or even about value, just that everyone should get a medal each.

Not convinced having dependents is relevant here - siblings may have them in future, you all have different salaries, different outgoings, make different choices, you chose to have your children.

I think FIL should have suggested the equal shares from the moment you all went for valuations (including the medal he had). It would have been a lovely thing to do but at this late stage YWNBU to not want to. YABU to say it's because of your kids though.

WooWooOwl Fri 29-Nov-13 14:04:14

Isn't this your DHs decision more than yours?

I think your ILs are entitled to state their opinion since they are the ones that have been asked to do all the valuation and selling work, and I don't think the fact that you have dependants is in any way relevant.

If the relative had wanted to provide for them, then they would have been given their own medal/coin.

Personally, I'd feel tight as arseholes if I took double what one of my siblings got in a situation like this. It's an unexpected windfall, and I would share with my siblings and be grateful for it.

kinkyfuckery Fri 29-Nov-13 14:04:46

Firstly, let your DH sort it out.

Secondly, have you asked the relative what the plan was and what they'd like you to do?

Thirdly, I'd probably split - £3k is a lot of money!

Kundry Fri 29-Nov-13 14:05:46

Deffo worth checking out what siblings actually think though - we have had situations where PILs tell us what DH's siblings want and when we ask them it's nothing of the sort.

Sharing the discussion out could be v helpful in diffusing this and stopping you from looking like the bad guy.

randomquicknamechange Fri 29-Nov-13 14:06:35

I would leave the decision to your husband.

FWIW I would share equally with my siblings but I don't think DH would with his.

MackerelOfFact Fri 29-Nov-13 14:07:12

YANBU. The coins may not have been given randomly, and you didn't agree to this before the sale before the values were known.

It might be 'nice' to share the money in the same way as it would be 'nice' to give a grand to anyone, but that doesn't mean you should do it.

Dogsmom Fri 29-Nov-13 14:07:36

Would you feel the same if is was your medal worth 2k?
If yes then yanbu if no then yabu.

LadyAlconleigh Fri 29-Nov-13 14:07:56

What would have thought if your's had been the one worth £2k?

ApprenticeViper Fri 29-Nov-13 14:08:52

I agree that it's really your DH's decision, but I would feel a bit meh at being asked to split the proceeds equally so YANBU.

Is there any way he could say that you'd discussed it and decided that he'd not sell it at the moment? That way, if/when you do decide to sell, you get the full proceeds.

ImAlpharius Fri 29-Nov-13 14:09:57

I think the problem is you involved your IL's when you got them to do the donkey work, if you'd sold them yourselves it would never have been an issue as you wouldn't of had to tell people the value.

tumbletumble Fri 29-Nov-13 14:10:24

Your PILs are BU to get involved - it's none of their business.

Having said that, I probably would share.

Trills Fri 29-Nov-13 14:12:44

I doubt you would feel the same way if yours had turned out to be the lower-value one.

Having dependants is totally irrelevant and mentioning it makes you sound very self-centred.

Thymeout Fri 29-Nov-13 14:13:51

How would you have felt if, in this 'lottery', your coin had only been worth £2,000?

I'm a firm believer in equal shares for inheritance/gifts. Anything else is bound to cause ill-feeling.

If you'd held on to it and sold separately, you might well have got a lower price. There's a lot of fluctuation in this market. And, after all, you were only expecting £3,000 before the sale.

Count your blessings, and look happy about it. Especially as you are only an in-law in this situation.

Whatevertheweather Fri 29-Nov-13 14:16:16

I'd split it 3k each in the spirit of fairness and harmony but ultimately your DH's decision

ivykaty44 Fri 29-Nov-13 14:17:32

c) siblings have no dependents whereas we do

tel fil and all the siblings that is a super idea to share it amongst your dc and the siblings wow how generous of you all - are you sure you want to share it amongst all of us?

watch everyone backtrack rapidly wink

gobbynorthernbird Fri 29-Nov-13 14:20:11

I'd split equally, too much room for bad feeling otherwise and it's not enough money (IMO) to fall out over.

parakeet Fri 29-Nov-13 14:20:38

What did FIL's medal go for? Would be great if it was even more - you could suggest he shares too?

Seriously, if it were me, I think the noble, generous thing to do is to share. But you should seriously stay out of this. Leave it entirely up to your DH.

willyoulistentome Fri 29-Nov-13 14:20:55

I think you should split it.

VerySmallSqueak Fri 29-Nov-13 14:21:08

I think this is entirely up to your DH's wishes.

In my shoes,if it was my decision,I would share equally.
I would find it quite wrong to do otherwise.

ApprenticeViper Fri 29-Nov-13 14:21:53

Ah, just seen that the medals have been sold already - must learn to read the full OP, sorry! blush

I stick by my YANBU though. If one of your DH's siblings' coins/medals had been the higher value one, would your FIL still have thought it would be "nice" to share?

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