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and an old prude to be upset by dd13's pornified take on life?

(147 Posts)
tantrumqueensmum Wed 27-Nov-13 18:42:32

dd (13) thinks I am being totally unreasonable (so what's new) as I have taken her phone off her for the second time after she sent messages referencing anal sex and lube to a boy she barely knows (esp as one of the messages mentioned that said boy had asked my dd2 (only just turned 11) about lube - eurgghh. angry

Apparently, this is classed as 'banter' - as was the previous set of messages to a different boy she barely knows about prostitution with reference to oral sex?! (Ironic and 'jokey', according to her.)

I do not think this kind of topic is appropriate for anyone of any age to text to someone they hardly know. There is also swearing too - I don't like to see this in texts either but am less bothered about this and am prepared to let this go.

Should add dd goes to an all girls' school so sees boys as rather more interesting than they actually are. hmm She certainly has no actual sexual experience though reads EVERYTHING not nailed down eg newspapers, books etc, and though internet filters apply, I daresay the odd thing there may also have slipped through. Presumably teens talk about such matters as well, and she also presumably picks up the general porn-inspired culture around us, where women are supposedly expected to look and act like porn stars in all contexts, no matter how inappropriate.

I've tried talking to her but despair of making her understand - have told her that that kind of 'banter' in the workplace would lose you your job, that texting/messaging is not the same as chatting in the flesh, as stuff is recorded potentially forever; but though in the past she's claimed to understand my point, she is now just weeping that she neeeeds her phone back, I'm killing her social life without it, and that this kind of chat is actually not that bad and 'all teenagers do it'.

So, dear MN jury, is she right? Do 'all teens' 'banter' like this? Am I prude? Or , alternatively, is she way out of order/in need of help (what help???) and how do I get her to understand how normal adults (or even teens) interact with each other on phones (or off them)?

MerryMarigold Wed 27-Nov-13 18:47:37

I have sweet little under 8's. But I don't think you are being a prude. This kind of thing makes me dread the teen years.

I think she needs to understand more about the sex industry in a non confrontational conversation - how women can be seen as objects, treated as such, how this can lead to rape and abuse etc. If she is old enough for these type of conversations, she is certainly old enough for 'reality'. But I wouldn't do it in an angry moment. She needs to take it in, and take it seriously.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 27-Nov-13 18:48:56

I know lots of teens that have banter like this, BUT I did spend many years as a restorative justice coordinator and referral order chair fr the youth offending team.


FrankelInFoal Wed 27-Nov-13 18:52:10

Apologies for the Daily Fail link, but you could take a leaf out of Emma Thompson's book?

littlewhitebag Wed 27-Nov-13 18:52:12

No they don't. My 15 yo DD is very prudish and would never talk about this sort of stuff. She still hates seeing kissing on the TV.

Please make sure your DD is not having this sort of chat with random people especially if she has BBM. I work in child protection and this has led many young girls into sticky situations. Banter turns to more sexualised talk which turns to requests for names pictures or to meet up. With BBM lots of youngsters pass on their PINS on 'pin trains' and talk to people they don't know. This is done in a bid to get as many 'friends' as possible. Monitor her closely.

Rufus44 Wed 27-Nov-13 18:52:17

My 15 year old doesn't banter like that, but he is a very innocent child...has fits of giggles at the word vagina

tantrumqueensmum Wed 27-Nov-13 18:54:44

grin Rufus44.

isitsnowingyet Wed 27-Nov-13 18:54:46

Flippin' heck - no you are not being unreasonable or a prude. That's just way tooo much for a 13 year old. Not sure how you would go about rectifying the situation hmm

tantrumqueensmum Wed 27-Nov-13 18:56:15

littlewhitebag - I do monitor and she does know these boys in real life - they go to the local boys' school, she's been on a school trip with them. But I agree - I worry about it being a slippery slope.

CoffeeTea103 Wed 27-Nov-13 18:56:24

Yanbu. It's disgusting talk. This is also how stories can spread, she might be labelled or called horrible names if these boys decide to show others the messages from her. It's definitely not normal for an 11 year oldconfused

TwelveLeggedWalk Wed 27-Nov-13 18:56:42

Can you take advantage of her reading everything and give her some fairly punchy feminist stuff on the issues to read? I doubt you'll be shattering any innocence, but if she's at an all girls school it might go down well with her and give you something to discuss rather than just ban?

Sure the feminism section here would have some suggestions.

Sparklymommy Wed 27-Nov-13 18:56:45

At 13 sexual talk like this would definitely be worrying me. She doesn't know who is reading her texts. She could get herself in an awful amount of trouble.


littlewhitebag Wed 27-Nov-13 18:58:58

*Naked not names.

tantrumqueensmum Wed 27-Nov-13 18:59:18

isitsnowingyet - I queried the anal sex/lube ref and said at 13 I'd never have heard of these let alone be discussing them with virtual strangers; she dismissively told me they covered it in sex ed. Apparently. hmm

I preferred it when they stuck to pictures of eggs and sperm, with the odd embarrassing 70s soft-focus pic of a naked person. blush

tantrumqueensmum Wed 27-Nov-13 19:00:31

CoffeeTea - she's 13 - her dsis is 11 and doesn't ever use her phone except to call me. smile

Primrose123 Wed 27-Nov-13 19:00:50

I have a 13 year old DD who does not text this sort of thing. I check her phone and her facebook messages (this was a condition of her having a phone and facebook) and there is nothing on there that I'm not happy with. There was a text where she talked about the rain pissing down, and I told her I didn't like that. She apologised and said that she didn't know it was swearing. I realise that she may well be deleting texts and I don't see them, but I don't think so. I don't think she talks about things like that with other kids her age, but of course I'm not there so I can't say for sure.

I also have a 16 year old DD who does not text things like that. I don't know what she talks about with her friends, but I don't think she jokes about sex.

Feminine Wed 27-Nov-13 19:01:05

It goes on way more than most of us realize.

I have teen siblings and one of mine is 15.

Its shocking, but I have to say quite normal.

13 is very young and you are no prude to dislike it.

I've stumbled across banter that my siblings and son have had, it can be vile...I am not too worried though.

MammaTJ Wed 27-Nov-13 19:01:17

YANBU! I took my DDs phone from her for a month for similar at 14.

She was sexting her BFs friend hmm, who she hardly knew. They would all go out together as a group.

I was fairly graphic in my telling her that she was leading him on and certainly making it sound as if she wanted to do things with him that she had told me she did not really want to do. I did explain that he may not understand that she didn't really mean it, and should they get seperated from the group, he may well decide to keep her to the promises in the texts!

Teenage girls really are the biggest worry and give you more sleepless nights than newborns imo!!

sarine1 Wed 27-Nov-13 19:02:09

Working in education I see countless examples of teenagers getting caught up in dreadful situations, way out of their control that started with 'banter' via texts and emails.
I think the trick is to turn this into a conversation about how you and she manage the challenge of her growing up and inevitably away from you safely. I reassured my daughter that I would allow her to become independent and live her own life, but that there would be times when I could see that there were dangers that she may not appreciate and would want to intervene.
I know it's just banter but this link to CEOP's latest film about sexting is quite helpful:

NoComet Wed 27-Nov-13 19:02:44

I have 12 &15yo DDs and that wouldn't count as banter. There would be serious words and removal of phones, iPods and lap tops if I thought there was sex talk with virtual strangers.

stillenacht Wed 27-Nov-13 19:03:41

Check out twitter and other sites. As a teacher I regularly put my name into twitter and my school name to see what is being said. Some of it is downright shocking.

cjel Wed 27-Nov-13 19:03:57

This is not age appropriate and you are right to be concerned. I would definitely do all you can to prevent it happening. Is there anyone at school that she could talk to? I would try not to make it a battle between the two of you though,being cross with her behaviour will only put a wedge between you. I would get some advice on how best to handle it and maybe ask the school to educate into the bad sides of this sort of abuse and even link it to trafficking etc and then the girls may get the proper understanding of why it is so damaging.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Wed 27-Nov-13 19:04:00

sad 13?
It's not that I'm easily shocked, but she's being very misguided and I am saddened.

Hope you get it sorted OP, just remember that it doesn't matter what so-called others are up to, you're the ones raising your children.

JustAWaterForMePlease Wed 27-Nov-13 19:07:50

A mum told me last year that some of our lovely year 7 girls were texting year 7 boys saying things like "I want you inside me."

They are SO much more exposed to this sort of thing now. Sorry, nothing constructive, but she's right in that it is prevalent. Really disturbing.

CoffeeTea103 Wed 27-Nov-13 19:15:19

Sorry op I got confused with your dds age. But I would be very concerned either way. Hope you are able to some kind of good outcome with your dd. It's too worrying how these messages can be used against her as well.

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