To ask more money from my new partner?

[diva26]

Hi mumsnetters,

please help me with a trickly money issue, I need opinions!!

I am divorced (amicably) with two schoolage boys. I work full time in a demanding job that I love, but I don't earn an excessive salary. I inherited my house, and have a low mortgage. I have a new partner and he is living with us. My mum is living with me and is effectively running the household for us all. Sounds all great, I know.

My new partner is paying half the monthly costs of running our household (excluding the mortgage), and contributes with a bit of DIY and cooks one meal Sunday evening (he is not a natural talent for either tasks I have to say). I pay the other half, my mum pays nothing which is more than fair because she is runnning the place. I am not a money oriented person, and I have never argued about money not even with my ex-husband, but I keep wondering whether this arrangement is fair.

Here an incoherent list of facts and points to consider:

• my new partner earns about double as much as me
• because his monthly costs are so low, he can save money. I cannot.
• he has a flat to maintain for his children from his first marriage, and has to travel home regularly to see them
• if he rented somewhere, his costs would be at least double of what he pays now, and for a much smaller place
• he thinks that partners and friends should not charge rent from each other, and I agree with him on that one
• he pays more often than me for going out, concerts, etc
• I fear this is a bad deal for my mum, because she is effectively cooking and washing laundry for him.
• he is often away travelling for work

Should he pay more than half the monthly running costs?? I truly do not know the answer, and would really like to hear your opinions.

xxx

[MrsLettuce]

YANBU. Ideally you would both put the same percentage of your salary into a joint account and save anything left over at the end of the month.

[CocacolaMum]

In my mind the amount you pay should be in direct proportion to the amount you earn - talk to him.

[Thatisall]

If you are expecting him to perhaps contribute to the mortgage, would you consider him to have some sort if claim on the house?

[tweetytwat]

But if I was him and being asked to pay more, while your mum pays nothing, I would be very pissed off.

And presumably he is an adult, why on earth would your mum be doing his cooking and laundry?

[Alexandrite]

He thinks partners and friends shouldn't charge each other rent? I bet he does! Very convenient for him!

[SeaSickSal]

I think you are taking the Mickey a bit. He has no financial interest in the house so doesn't pay the mortgage. He is effectively paying half the cost of supporting your Mum too.

If I was in that situation and my partner asked me for more money I would think they were using me financially. Your mother is living with you entirely for free yet you think she is the one getting the bad deal?

I think splitting things in half is more than fair given that your fairly large family are there full time and are four times in number and also live there full time whilst he is only there part time. Given those facts I think the fact he pays half means that he is already subsidising you considerably.

It sounds like you are out to take him for as much as you can get. If you decide to go ahead and ask if he has any sense he will dump you. You don't sound like you care about him much and just see him as someone to subsidize your family.

[caruthers]

Paying half the bills is more than enough.

[17leftfeet]

Presumably if he has a flat and also works away he doesn't actually have to live with you

You could argue he should be paying less as surely your mum should be paying a third

If you bought a property and moved in together it should be 50/50 but he's moved into your property, he has no legal claim, he is financially subsidising your mother and he pays for more of the fun things like going out

I think you would be pretty unreasonable to ask for more personally but I know many others won't share my view

[basgetti]

Why should he pay more than you when you have your mother and 2 children living there and he only has himself and works away? Half the bills seems fair to me, unless you are going to start charging your mother rent too and then at least you are being fair.

[SeaSickSal]

Put the same percentage of your salary into an account? Really. So the OP sits on her nice secure house and he gives her all his spare money to support her mother.

And then when the OP gets fed up with him and dumps him where is his financial security for the future supposed to come from when she's spent all his money on her mother?

This is financial exploitation. If this was the other way around and it was a man who was demanding money to support his family off a new partner the screams of 'financial abuse would be deafening'.

She has a very low mortgage and he has no interest in the house. To charge him rent on top of running costs (which are mainly generated by her family) would be out and out exploitation.

[soaccidentprone]

Tbh it sounds fair to me.

Your dp has a flat to maintain in order to see his children, so I assume he has expenses to deal with this too ie utility bills?

Does he pay maintenance for his dc's, do you get maintenance for yours?

It sounds as though you believe that he is doing better out of the deal than you? But he earns more than you and has greater expenditure elsewhere, so does this not even out?

Maybe you need to talk about both your incomes, what joint expenditure you have, what individual expenditure you both have and then see what figures you are dealing with?

[Jellybellydancer]

How could you afford to cover his share before he moved in if you are now in a position where you can't save? Surely you should be financially better off if he is now contributing

[Norudeshitrequired]

He pays half of the bills (which is covering three adults) and he pays more often when the two of you go out.
How low is your mortgage?
Let's also remember that he is paying for his children's accommodation too, which is probably a sizeable chunk.

I think a lot depends on how serious your relationship is and which direction you intend to go in. If you want him to cover part of the mortgage (and intend this to be a very long term relationship) then you should become joint owners of the property and pay for it together.
Why is your mum not contributing anything financially? If she is doing the household stuff in leui of financial contribution then you can't complain about her doing the cleaning and cooking. If you want things more equal then you should all contribute towards household tasks and you should all contribute an equal amount financially towards the household costs.

[WorraLiberty]

I think your Mum should be contributing.

Does she really get to pay nothing at all?

[ALittleStranger]

He's paying for your mother, albeit getting stuff in return.

He's paying for a seperate flat.

He has no financial claim on your home.

He pays half of your household living expenses, a household that includes your mother and he must have the patience of a saint to move in with a new partner plus her mother.

I think your current arrangement is more than fair towards you and your mum.

[Alexandrite]

He is paying the mum's share because she is doing his cooking, cleaning and washing for him. The fact that he has another flat isn't relevant. He is living there rent free. He doesn't have a financial interest in the house but that's what renting is. I'd get him to pay half the mortgage as rent. You could get him to pay only a third of the household expenses but he does a third of the washing, shopping, cleaning, although it sounds like the current arrangement suits you all better.

[Alexandrite]

Washing, shopping, cooking and cleaning that should have said

[Alexandrite]

Sorry make that a third of the mortgage as rent

[alemci]

I think your mum should pay something. it sounds very odd that she does laundry for dp.

it sounds like you regard your new dp as a bit of a meal ticket.

[Norudeshitrequired]

Does he even want his partners mother doing his laundry and cleaning up after him or has she just assumed that role because she doesn't want to contribute financially?
I can't imagine many men being happy about their parents mother washing their smalls.
If I was him I would move into the flat that I keep for my children which would vastly reduce my outgoings as I would only be paying one set of bills.
Surely the OP's outgoings have reduced since her partner moved in as he is paying for half of all the utilities?

[diva26]

thanks, this is really helpful to me! I think it is unreasonable of me to ask for more money from him. I don't want to give him financial claim on my house, so he should not have to contribute to the mortgage. But I find it is fair that my mum does not pay, she is running the household and we all know how much work that is. Maybe the fact that I am even thinking about it could be a sign that I have general doubts about our relationship for reasons unrelated to money.

[Trills]

It's not unreasonable of you to want to discuss money.

It might be unreasonable for you to want more money from him, but it also might not.

It is unreasonable for you to think that your mum is getting a bad deal.

[ALittleStranger]

Running the household doesn't equal so much work that she should live rent and living cost free out of fairness. What's happened to her home? Are you doing her a favour and the two of you have agreed that her doing the laundry equates to bed and board so she feels better about her circumstances?

[MimiSunshine]

How did you cover all of your expenses before he moved in?

You sound like you resent him having more disposable cash than you which he can spend / save as he chooses.
Asking him to pay more / charge rent just sounds like you want him to sub you.

Keep things as they are, you keep your mortgage out of it, the house is your children's inheritance. All other bills get split 50/50 (if you don't want to include your mum). He still has the flat and his children to pay for, I'm assuming your ex also pays for his children?
At some point you may want to get married and own a property together, I suggest ensuring your children still inherit your share fully and then look to proportion per income.

[Alanna1]

I think what matters here is you feel hard done by, but I don't think the arrangement is "unfair". Why don't you talk to him about eg a joint holiday fund for (a) you and him and (b) your family and agree a ratio that you (all?) pay into that/those?

Bet he'd love some nights away with just you (whilst your mum babysits). Would probably pay for all of that...

Or you could also look to him to help with certain expenses. I've found both my husband and earlier, boyfriends, didn't need much encouraging to be sort-of in charge of buying me new lingerie and gorgeous sleepware. But the costs add up.