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that even after nearly 6 years, I still hear my ex's voice in my head?

(26 Posts)
VelvetSpoon Fri 22-Nov-13 22:48:54

Mainly when I feel at a low ebb, I hear him laughing that I'm a fat, ugly lazy piece of shit. That I'm a nothing and no-one would ever love or want me, and that I was incapable of making anyone happy, which he'd usually follow up by spitting on me.

I'm not fat any more, I wasn't ever ugly, but still...somewhere inside part of me believes it. That and the stuff he used to say about my parents (who died before I met him) that they'd be disappointed in me, think I was a failure sad

I think I've put it behind me then it just creeps back in. People (friends, men) never seem to think I'm worth making any effort for, which worryingly seems to bear out at least in part what he used to say...

MistAllChuckingFrighty Fri 22-Nov-13 22:51:24

ugh that sounds horrible, I am sorry thanks

MadAsFish Fri 22-Nov-13 22:59:50

I think, if you can manage it, it would be good to talk to a professional about how to get this nasty bastards' voice out of your head.
He was wrong, he is wrong, he'll always be wrong, and these types say it because the only way they can feel better about themselves is by putting someone else down.
I married one once too.

VelvetSpoon Fri 22-Nov-13 23:11:50

I have thought about counselling...I left him for someone else, I was so happy at the time I thought I was fine and didn't need any help.

Looking back I can see that, as happy as I thought I was in that new relationship, I never once made any demands, said how I felt (other than in a positive way), expressed any dissatisfaction...because I feared deep down if I started being demanding in any way, he wouldn't think I was worth the effort. I never told him any of the stuff my ex did either.

It's been the same ever since, I almost never say how I feel or what I want - and on the only occasions I have done, I find it works out badly...and them I'm back to thinking my ex was right.

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Nov-13 23:14:50

You're thinking the reason people let you down is because you're not worth it, that doesn't prove anything the cunt was saying is true.

It just means some people are flakey, more often than not for no reason.

You were in an abusive relationship!

That's bound to have some side effects, even six years on.

Treat the voice that says those things (which I have for different reasons, funnily enough when I'm feeling at my happiest, usually thinking 'you look fucking ridiculous, you know that don't you?', it soon puts me back in my place) the way you know you should. Know it's lying and be determined ,even if it's just out of spite for that wanker, to totally ignore it.

(the bit that makes me most sad/angry for you is the way he tried to spoil the memory you have of your parents)

YouTheCat Fri 22-Nov-13 23:21:15

Velvet, I had a charmer like that to some extent. Counselling really helped.

He was a complete twat to you and you deserve to be happy.

VelvetSpoon Fri 22-Nov-13 23:33:14

The thing I've wanted more than anything since my parents died, was to be happy. I am fleetingly, but it doesn't last. Which I end up thinking is my fault, something wrong in me, and I try but I don't know how to fix it.

EBearhug Fri 22-Nov-13 23:45:38

Do consider counselling. I have had a similar problem (the voice is my mother's rather than an ex's), and counselling has really helped. It's still there occasionally when I'm really down, but it's far, far less than it used to be. I have whole days when I can believe in myself, and realise she was not always seeing the truth.

Fleeting happiness is more than some people manage, so you've got something to build on there. And we can't be happy all the time. How would you recognise when you're happy if you never experience sadness to know the contrast?

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Nov-13 23:48:48

I honestly don't think anyone is completely happy.

Even the most secure and confident people have doubts about themselves, and that's without some twat pouring poison in their ear for an extended period of time.

Could you accept that it's OK to have off days without it being anyone's fault, least of all your own, and not take it as evidence that something's wrong and you need fixing somehow?

What about deliberately focusing on another point in your life where you didn't feel those things were true?

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Nov-13 00:04:05

I don't think I've ever felt like anyone has loved or cared about me since I lost my parents. I was an only child so we were very close. I had the usual teenage traumas, I certainly wasn't always happy, but whatever happened my parents were always there, always on my side.

My children, and my love for them, has largely filled the gap my parents left. But I don't feel anyone is bothered about me - friends are flaky, I haven't had a relationship in 5 years. I've tried to be what people want as a friend or potential girlfriend, I've tried so hard. And I just end up with my ex sneering nothing nice will ever happen for me. And I suppose because nothing changes, the fear grows maybe he was right.

EBearhug Sat 23-Nov-13 02:30:04

Oh Velvet- at least your parents cared. And you've got your children. That's more than some of us will ever have. Try and focus on the positives, and concentrate on yourself. Trying to be something you're not to try and gain friends and lovers, it may work short term, but it certainly won't long term, and you can't be happy trying to be something you're not.

Hissy Sat 23-Nov-13 06:50:36

Love, abuse is a bastard.

It won't go away unless you make it. You really would really benefit from some counselling! I do it and my god it's awesome!

You do have so much to look forward to, but i'm guessing that by leaving him for someone else, you never gave yourself the chance to heal or recover from being with someone so bloody awful.

Therapy. It's what you need!

Have you read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft? That'll be a good start too!

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Nov-13 08:51:27

I will try counselling. I've always thought I didn't need it, but I don't know this will ever go away otherwise.

I don't tell people in RL, never have. None of my friemds know about how he treated me (he hit me as well, though only in the first few years, and smashed up/broke lots of my belongings). I've never told any of the men I've been involved with. Here is the only place I have ever discussed it.

Hissy Sat 23-Nov-13 08:56:06

Seriously, it won't ever go away without counselling. It just get buried, but finds ways to seep back up.

This is the time you sort this out. Welcome to the rest of your life! smile

MadAsFish Sat 23-Nov-13 09:01:32

Looking back I can see that, as happy as I thought I was in that new relationship, I never once made any demands, said how I felt (other than in a positive way), expressed any dissatisfaction...because I feared deep down if I started being demanding in any way, he wouldn't think I was worth the effort. I never told him any of the stuff my ex did either.

Begin as you mean to go on. If the new person doesn't like it, they're not the one for you.

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Nov-13 09:17:51

I have tried, in small ways, to ask for what I want, but it ends badly. Like the last bloke I was dating, I asked if I could see him once a week (it was more sporadic than that) so maybe things could orogress, whixh was what I wanted. he said the thought of a relationship scared him, so he couldn't see me more often. A couple of months later he just stopped contacting explanation nothing. And at the time of our chat, when he dumped me, and still now, I feel like if I was better, nicer, not all the things my ex said, it would've been different, that guy would've thought I was worth it.

badtime Sat 23-Nov-13 11:59:17

Velvet, I used to think like you.

Essentially, I had no boundaries. If someone did something I didn't like, instead of expressing how I felt, I just sucked it up and felt a little piece of myself die. I was not assertive about things I wanted, or didn't want. If things went wrong, I tried to be what I thought other people wanted. The harder I tried, the worse I felt.

There are no easy answers. I clawed my way out of it by resolving some issues I had since childhood. I think it would have been easier with some sort of counselling or therapy (I had some for a different issue, and it was very interesting, quite apart from it actually making my life easier).

No-one is worth more as a person than anyone else. You, the queen, Kerry Katona, Angelina Jolie, me - not one is more or less a person than another.

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Nov-13 13:00:22

Badtime, I'm glad you were able to stop thinking like this. It is horrible. I try to be the best person I can, but not for myself so much as that I feel if I am 'me' people wont like me, because I'm not worth liking. I know it's wrong, I'm intelligent enough that I should see we are all equal - I know that's true but I don't feel it, if that makes sense.

Hissy Sat 23-Nov-13 13:10:19

To start asking for what you want, you have to know what you need, and care enough about yourself to know what it is that you want.

That's a long process. Trust me! Therapy for a year, the freedom programme, DV group counselling, more therapy and 3 years of driving myself relentlessly, posting on here, learning about myself through helping others.

Only now am I able to say 'actually i'd prefer this'

Find the hurt you first, care for her and let her voice be heard in your head. Give value to your qualities, praise yourself for the little things you do that you feel good about.

Keep posting. It helps.

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Nov-13 13:40:20

I thought if I could just find someone who loved me, cared about me, everything would be ok, as though that would make it all better. And every time I've failed to do so, every friend that's stopped contacting me, every rejection and knockback I've had from men, it's felt like I'm proving my Ex right.

We get access to some sort of employee support counselling through work. I don't think its more than a few sessions, but it's a start. I will phone them on Monday.

Hissy Sat 23-Nov-13 22:15:41

That someone you're looking for, is YOU.

EllaFitzgerald Sat 23-Nov-13 22:52:12

You're definitely doing the right thing by phoning.

The last bloke you were dating sounds like an utter arse and you didn't do anything wrong by asking to see him more often. And the only reason your ex said those things was because he was emotionally abusive and grinding you down was his way of having control over you.

Luckily for me, I've always had lovely friends, but have not always had the best taste in men. Counselling helped me realise that, actually, I wasn't being unreasonable by wanting to be treated nicely. It also helped me identify the things that I was doing that made people think it was acceptable to treat me badly, like ignoring red flags. It can be a big step to recognise that it would help you, so you should be proud of yourself.

VelvetSpoon Sun 24-Nov-13 00:32:06

Hissy, I'd never thought of it like that. Maybe I need to learn to be kinder to myself?

Ella, he was an arse (most men I know are...clearly there's a pattern there!). It's taken me 6 months since he stopped replying to my texts - to come to that conclusion. For a few months after I still expected to hear from him at some point. Stupid I know! It's not the first silent dumping I've had either, there have been a few. And again that makes me think not only am I not worth them dating, I'm not even worth a polite break up (how hard is it to send a text saying 'its not you it's me' or some such!)

Monty27 Sun 24-Nov-13 00:36:18

Velvet, you have deep self esteem issues that need working through, seriously, and work hard at it, it isn't easy. Take all the help you get xx

EllaFitzgerald Sun 24-Nov-13 01:27:18

Velvet it's not stupid at all, although it's a perfect example of why a break from thinking about dating and some counselling is such a good idea. Once your self esteem is up where it should be, you'll realise that it is them (or is it they?) who are not worth dating.

I used to believe that all men were arses, because arses were the men I used to fall for, and then I used to be surprised when they treated me so badly. Then I took some time away from relationships and worked very hard on my own issues, and I'm currently being kept awake by my snoring DH, who is the kindest, most decent man I have ever met. It will work for other things in your life too. You'll get the strength to walk away from bad friendships and will learn to recognise bad behaviour in other people. It's not easy but, long term, it will change your life for the better.

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