dp and I arguing re pil(75 Posts)
Hiya anyone who takes a look and those who chose to give me advice (if any) this is my first post but I have been using mnet regularly (have actually found it quite addictive).
I will try and be brief but not drip feed. I have been with partner for 9 years, I am a sahm to our dd1. My partner works full time long hours etc.
My problem is I think my pil are taking the piss. They turn up whenever they want, stay for 3/4 hours at a time (live ten mins away) they visit approx 2x per wk and I am getting bloody fed up with everything tbh. They cook while they are here (bring own lunch) they do not cook for me/offer to cook for me and my mil is always kind enough to leAve my the dishes to clean up. Even if my kitchen is spotless (i have tested this a few times and she always leaves them for me. She is a good grAn I general however there have been issues in the past which make me dislike her however I always put a smile on my face and make a huge effort to make everyone feel welcome s/heal bad feelings since my daughter was born. This has worked well and we get on well however i am getting annoyed that she/they stay for so long!!
I do not have a problem with my parents/friends/sil/sis length of visits as they dont do this.
I am annoyed at partner as he doesnt want to say anything to his parents.partner thinks its only one/twice week deal with it. Problem is he has never wanted to bring any issue with his mum or dad (strange family) I even had to tell his mum not to come visiting our home when she has had a drink when daughter was 8 weeks old after she turned up (pre arraged) drunk as a skunk.
If you have made it this far thank you! I would like to know if u think aibu as my man does. Do you think these visits are too long? Am I bu?
They are of course being unreasonable!
I also hate confrontation so wouldn't want to say anything. I'd probably develop an amazing social life AWAY from the house and after a while they may just get bored?
However my immediate reaction is can you try and use them while they are there? Are they coming to see dc? (I have no family around and am always behind on my housework with two toddlers in tow) I'd pretty much just carry on with what I was doing and use them as free babysitters if they are insisting on being there anyway, get all my housework done so when they go I can concentrate on time with the kids. Or even say "while you are here in just popping out to do some shopping" if they are rude and inconsiderate I don't see why not (obviously this isn't how I'd treat real invited guests in my house!)
i think they are totally unreasonable, but think your dp needs to be the one to say " lovely for you to see the grandchildren but please can you call first to arrange and avoid nap times" (e.g lunch, possibly avoiding bringing lunch scenario/ or tackle that head on Too?)
not that i wish defend them at all but i wonder if they are taking advantage of the free cooking facilities and enjoying your centrally heated home!
Oh poor you.
My il's were just the same, it drove me a bit bonkers. I didn't really handle it all very well and tended to be grumpy / unfriendly when they rocked up.
They also liked to visit when DH was busy or out and I was expected to allow them in and make tea etc. they never really came to see me just the baby.
We had to leave keys in the door to stop them letting themselves in.
It all ended in tears and resentment, they thought they should be allowed access to their grand child as they wished. I couldn't cope with living on a knife edge waiting for them to turn up. I am definately not a popper, I do not like unexpected guest at all. It is selfish to rock up at someone's house and disrupt their day.
I was very annoyed with my DH, he did eventually have the awkward conversations with them but by god he made it all look like it was my fault. I still resent how weak he was when I needed all his support. He needed to be the "bad" guy and pull them in to line. They had crossed all my boundary lines, it made me very unhappy and he needed to address that.
Pil should visit when DH Is home to play host, my Dh was just like yours I think he though I was mean. ( never in a million years would he host my parents) go figure.
I did all of the " oh we're just going out", they just came back. They will sit outside the house waiting for you. They didn't leave with gentle hints either. They would go past and if I had guests would complain at not being invited.
Basically your going to need to tell them clearly. Personally I think your DH should but I bet he won't. Something along the lines of " this isn't working for me anymore, I need my week to myself, I'm super busy at the moment. Obviously your very welcome to visit when DH is home and can call him to arrange weekend visits."
They will hate you regardless, best to be happy yourself.
When you see them pull up in the car, spray Mr. Muscle oven cleaner in the oven
I don't think DP can stand up to them properly, and anyway, they will presume you have set him up to it. If you do it you can still assure them they are lovely GPs or that DC loves them or whatever to soften the blow.
You have decades ahead of you of IL relationship better to deal with it now once and for all. In the long run it will be better for you all.
Are you going back to work op?
Just wondered if that wil naturally deal with this.
I agree with another poster (sockrocket?)
Turn up at theirs with your lunch which needs heating up, all the baby gear (pop up travel bed) put your feet up, with slippers of course. stay all day, use all the pots and pans, make a mess do nothing, crank up the heating, tell them you had a lovely day and you will need a key cutting, see you tomorrow. and repeat, maybe add that its saving you a small fortune staying at theirs.
I suspect it wont be long before your dh gets acall saying how rude YOU are.
let us know how you get on!
I agree with PTFO just go ahead and treat their home like a hotel. Give them a taste of their own medicine, they will get annoyed with it after a while and hopefully see that their own behaviour is atrocious!
You need thick net curtains if they are window-gawpers. Can you pin a note to from door saying 'no uninvited callers please, I am meditating' and then ignore all attempts by them to visit. Then, when they bitch cos they tried to visit claim to have been in a tranze.
Repeat without note from then on.
I think you need to speak to them directly. This would drive me insane. Surely the resentment over time will affect your relationship with them more than dealing with it now.
They are taking the piss, I know NO-ONE .who would ever think this is acceptable in someone else's home.
Your dh should also support you with this.
As an immediate fix, set an alarm on your phone that sounds like a ring tone. Then when it goes off you can 'answer' and make your excuses!
Tbh, they don't sound like they catch on to things very well so I don't think all the tip toeing round them trying to get them to take the hint will work now I think about it. They sound so wrapped up in what's conveniant for them they won't notice any subtle hints. I think you are just going to have to say something like, "Look I don't mind you visiting, it's lovely you get to spend so much time with the kids but you simply must phone or text before you visit as sometimes I AM busy or on my way out and can you please make sure you clean up after yourself? As you remember, young kids are hard work and I don't need to be cleaning up extra dishes on top of my already busy day. Thanks." Try writing a letter if it helps!
I had this with my in laws, it was around once a week though and like yours they didn't care if my DH was there or not, it was like they were entitled to see our DS when they wanted and that was that, funnily enough MIL used to whinge on that her own MIL did the same thing for the short time that they lived in the same place as their family and she hated it.
I outright told them once that I didn't like the 'popping in' and it still didn't stop. They used to look through the window too or go round the back of the house so there was no hiding place! In the end what worked was we moved house where our living room is at the back and they can't look into it + they can't get round the back of the house. It was one of the main factors of buying the house haha. The other thing which helped is they now have another GC which has taken the focus right off.
YANBU. This is not reasonable behaviour on their part. How can they think it is acceptable to waltz into your home and start cooking food for themselves and leave you to clean up after them?
Don't know what to advise you to do, but it sounds like hints won't work anyway, so some plain speaking will be required. If your partner doesn't see anything wrong with it, it sounds like you will have to say it to them.
Tell them you don't want meat in the house!
If it weren't winter I'd suggest taking up naturism as a hobby. If that doesn't get rid of them then they definitely won't take hints [g
Perhaps if you sit your partner down, explain what the issue are and inform him that you ARE going to broach this with his parents, he might be spurred into handling?
Could you let them in, say you have to go out and leave them there to mind DC? Give you a bit of a break, plus they'd get to see DC, cook what they like etc without getting in your way.
Also, if you're going back to work sometime soon then they won't be able to just pop in all the time. And if you're a SAHM long-term (like me!) then you'll just have to develop a great list of toddler groups, library visits etc to deflect them.
YANBU, and you wouldn't BU to tell them to feck off. It's your house, your space and time they are eating up. I know they are DH's parents, but he isn't there to face them.
It's okay if they are helping you out, but making clutter, dirty dishes etc just is rude.
You could, perhaps, let them in and hand them dc and then do the cleaning etc - you don't need to make them any tea or anything as they clearly can't be bothered to even ask you if you want food.
I would also be VERY tempted to take something REALLY strongly smelling, turn up at lunch time, waltz in, try to use as many pans as possible and spread the cooking smell around as much as possible and waltz out with dc when you fancy...
Agree with Thistle also, maybe kippers would be appropriate along with lots of side dishes to incorporate lots of their pots and pans. Make sure you make spillages & do not wash-up, let the fishy odours fill the very air they breath. It will take them days to get rid of the smell
The clearing up after themselves is the easy bit, just tell them to do it. " I don't mind you using the kitchen as long as you clear up afterwards"
If they are going to drop in & stay for hours then why not use them as babysitters & go & do something for yourself, shopping, a trip to the library, a long soak in the bath.
Failing that you might just have to move house.
Don't answer the door or phone. Don't return home if out. Stay out as ling as you can. Spend a few weeks totally avoiding them. Then eventually text and ask them to set a regular weekly visiting time as life has got so hectic recently.
Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to comment I havent had a chance to write bck.
Dp and I had a frank conversation and I told him he was taking the piss expecting me to put up with this shit. He agreed as he would not be happy to be the sahp and putting up with pil a day.
I am going to introduce a new house rule of visiting hours are no longer than 2 hours. I Am going to announce this when I next see them and tell them I am feeling visitors say too long and there are always visitors.
I loved the ideas to stink the pil house out.... Unfortunately I am too polite for that.... Also I really dont want to spend any more time than necessary with them.
The dishes I can deal with.
Thanks again all x
nannyog my mum keeps a pair of slippers here and the dcs get them out ready for her when they know she is coming over
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.