dp and I arguing re pil(75 Posts)
Hiya anyone who takes a look and those who chose to give me advice (if any) this is my first post but I have been using mnet regularly (have actually found it quite addictive).
I will try and be brief but not drip feed. I have been with partner for 9 years, I am a sahm to our dd1. My partner works full time long hours etc.
My problem is I think my pil are taking the piss. They turn up whenever they want, stay for 3/4 hours at a time (live ten mins away) they visit approx 2x per wk and I am getting bloody fed up with everything tbh. They cook while they are here (bring own lunch) they do not cook for me/offer to cook for me and my mil is always kind enough to leAve my the dishes to clean up. Even if my kitchen is spotless (i have tested this a few times and she always leaves them for me. She is a good grAn I general however there have been issues in the past which make me dislike her however I always put a smile on my face and make a huge effort to make everyone feel welcome s/heal bad feelings since my daughter was born. This has worked well and we get on well however i am getting annoyed that she/they stay for so long!!
I do not have a problem with my parents/friends/sil/sis length of visits as they dont do this.
I am annoyed at partner as he doesnt want to say anything to his parents.partner thinks its only one/twice week deal with it. Problem is he has never wanted to bring any issue with his mum or dad (strange family) I even had to tell his mum not to come visiting our home when she has had a drink when daughter was 8 weeks old after she turned up (pre arraged) drunk as a skunk.
If you have made it this far thank you! I would like to know if u think aibu as my man does. Do you think these visits are too long? Am I bu?
Just ask them politely to leave after an hour?
What happens when you do that?
"Anyway it's been lovely having you over but I must get on so I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, see you soon!"
Much easier said than done but you need to do SOMEthing!
Don't worry, living.
They're obviously very thick skinned. So you're just going to have to learn the word 'No'!
Turn the heating off every time they turn up. Drive the fuckers out.
Saucyjack that made me laugh ta. Good idea if I didnt have baby :-)
They are obviously thick skinned so just keep relaying your point? You are going to have to be the strong one here op, as it's affecting you, and obviously your DH isn't going to do anything about it.
I don't see why you have to pretend to be out at all. Answer the door and don't even let them over the threshold (keep the kids in the living room so they don't start shouting Granny!) :
"Hello, thank you for calling round, but I'm sorry, it's really not convenient to invite you in at the moment, we are in the middle of things. We'd love to see you later in the week/next week. Please do call back on xxx. At about x o clock? DP should be home by then, he hates missing you visit. By the way, you left these here last time you came (proffer slippers in carrier bag that have been waiting by the door) you must be missing them. Take care now - bye!"
Shut the door and breathe! It's rude to just turn up unannounced at someone's home and expect you to entertain them for hours. It's not rude to politely explain that you cannot entertain.
You have then given them a specific time to turn up. If they ignore this just remind them again if they turn up at the door:
"ooh hello, what a surprise. You've rather caught me on the hop. Didn't we say xxxxday? When dh is home? Sorry, I must get on."
Like training a puppy.
The food thing is VERY strange. That's why I would try and arrange their visits when your DH is there. So he can see for himself
and you could beggar off out for a pretend aerobics class
Nanny0gg I am giving up smoking on monday and I am pretty sure I will defo be saying the word no or me and princess are going a walk goodbye.
I will have to otherwise I wont have any hair left. Thick skinned is a great word for them :-)
Perhaps you should be as rude to them as they are to you.
'No, you can't come in, I'm just about to do some work/gardening/stuff'.
'You left your slippers (hand her them in a tesco bag)'
'You forgot to do your washing up'
'Hi, if you want to cook can you go home please, it's incredibly rude to cook your food in someone else's house without actually asking them'.
'Your son isn't home til 6, and we are just about to go out, I'll tell him you called round'.
'Oh hi, what are you doing hanging round here for, hubby is at work and won't be home til 6, I'll tell him you called. No it's not convenient right now, I have stuff to do' go in and shut the door.
If you actually stop them from waltzing into your house without clearing it with you first, and always defer to 'your son isn't here, I'll tell him you called for him', and never let them in then they will soon stop turning up.
And you need to tell your husband that he needs to be there when they come, and tell them to arrange it with him and stop dropping themselves into your day without asking. It is incredibly rude, and is becoming a huge issue.
You really need to set the boundaries and grow the balls your dh is lacking around them. Or accept it. They're you're options.
My mil lives just down the road. She still calls at least 30m ahead to ask if it's OK to come round. Reading these threads and having delay with xmil I often let her know she is fantastic.
Xmil was a different story. And a major factor I why she is x
Is it really so bad to have slippers at your DC's house? Even if you only visit once a month?
Shoes often aren't allowed and I hate cold feet!
Wally your message made me :-) thank u.
You are right it will have to come to a point where I do that but I dont want toand agree that I shouldnt have to be out etc.
Just going to have to grow a pair
nanny I think it's a by family thing. My ils take slippers round for family days so they're comfy. My family just wore thicker socks if they suspected your house may be colder. One of my aunts had a pretentious brand of slippers available for guests at all times... Horses for courses and all that.
Nanny0gg. For me I want everyone to be comfortable so the slippers arent a prob tbh. Its the prob that she has them here because she is stayin so long!iyswim My heating is sitting at 21.
Also nanny u are on mnet therefore unlikely to make mil/pil mistake/liberties.... Not sure of the best word.
Surely the solution is flaming obvious.
Turn up at their house at 10am during the day cook yourself a meal use every single pan pot and tray as well as cutlery,leave the mess spread across the kitchen burn stuff into the pans.
Do not clean up a thing.
Then put their heating up and open a few windows, also leave dirty underwear on their bathroom floor but do not leave,as it comes towards your bedtime just crash out in the living room with your feet up on the furniture.
When you do decide to leave just before you leave say "its not nice when someone does it to you is it"
Nannyogg - I would love to have a granny for my DS, and I wouldn't have a problem with slippers in the house. But I bet you are a lovely granny like mine who would have asked first, or had them bought for her by the GDC.
This woman is imposing herself on her DIL without even asking first.
I bet you don't act in the same way....
I do try Wally.
And I don't think I impose - tbh I wouldn't dare...!
I would perhaps start saying to them that you're very sorry but you have plans/a guest coming over and it isn't convenient. Do it at the door so they can't get too settled. Not every time. Just enough for them to register that camping out at yours isn't a given.
they live ten minutes away
hide the frypans etc and tell 'e, to go home and cook
what are they like at their home ? messy / clean ?
My mil and pil tried this. They came round unannounced, dh had taken the dc out for the morning and they were really pissed off it hadn't been cleared with them first " in case they wanted to come round" they live 10 mins away - big mistake.
I was busy and just carried on what I was doing upstairs. They sat at the kitchen table then left. Dh said " didn't you make them a drink and chat?" And I said no, you took the the dc out so I could have some time, not spend it with your parents who we see too much of anyway"
They came round again and I was ironing in my pants in the kitchen. They just burst in. Mil thought it was hilarious. It was then I discovered dh had given them a key as often I didn't hear them and they couldn't get in
Next time they just rock up, put some house or rap on loudly and refuse to turn it off. Also say " if you cook, can you do something for me and clear up- otherwise its a real pain"
But perhaps when they leave just say " thanks for dropping by - I'll see you on X - I'll be busy until then." And if they ignore you and just turn up, say " I'm sorry, I can't let you in, my boundaries counsellor is here"
And get back on mn
Your pil are unbelievable. Get that key back. Allow them round twice a month and no cooking. Put your foot down. What a pair of piss takers.
There are too many issues. So trying to turn the temperature down, hiding the pans, trying to pretend you were just going out (v difficult with baby) is too hard.
You are going to have to speak to them. Did you say they call round then stay all day?
I think you are going to have to say that although you love to see them that you want them to come on X day and Y day for no longer than two hours, and that you don't want them visiting at meal times, so 2pm is best.
End of. And they shouldn't have a key. You will have to ask for it back. There will be fallout, but imagine the future, when DILs turn up when you want for as long as you want and you can actually spend that time enjoying chatting and being with them, instead if seething like now.
Just say you like your privacy if they query it. If you try to discuss it you will just be shamed into feeling guilty and persuaded to be less strict.
You have many years ahead of you of living with them, better to lay down some rules now.
"My boundaries counsellor is here"? Awesome! Love that!
OP, you have to 'woman-up' love! Be firm and bugger the consequences. This has gone way past too far.
Give the slippers back, no cooking in your house, they can go home and Cook, go out if they turn up, and refuse to let them in if they wait for you.
Yes it'll be hard to start standing up for yourself, but once you do start, it will get easier.
How about..they turn up, you let them in. Then after an hour
how ever long you can bear you just say something like, "I'm afraid I need to ask you to leave now as DC and I have arranged to meet up with friends and we need to leave in five minutes".
Then proceed to gather coats, hats, changing bags, pushchairs (general DC stuff depending on age) and moving towards the door.
From what you say MIL is the leader and FIL just follows along. I would make an arrangement to go and see them in their home (hopefully with no kids). Just tell them that they cannot come to your house UNINVITED. Say coming round twice a week with food to cook has to stop. End of. I'm sorry but after living in the USA for over a decade I realised how much we Brits will turn ourselves into knots rather than state what we want/don't want clearly and firmly. You don't have to apologize or say endless "sorries".
Your DH is well-trained by PIL (mostly by Mum it sounds like) and cannot even recognize decent boundaries so will also have to learn from your example. They most likely will be shocked and horrified and you will be the terrible DIL, but the alternative is to continue to be railroaded by them - and it will only get worse.
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