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dp and I arguing re pil

(75 Posts)
livingmydream612 Fri 22-Nov-13 22:12:04

Hiya anyone who takes a look and those who chose to give me advice (if any) this is my first post but I have been using mnet regularly (have actually found it quite addictive).

I will try and be brief but not drip feed. I have been with partner for 9 years, I am a sahm to our dd1. My partner works full time long hours etc.

My problem is I think my pil are taking the piss. They turn up whenever they want, stay for 3/4 hours at a time (live ten mins away) they visit approx 2x per wk and I am getting bloody fed up with everything tbh. They cook while they are here (bring own lunch) they do not cook for me/offer to cook for me and my mil is always kind enough to leAve my the dishes to clean up. Even if my kitchen is spotless (i have tested this a few times and she always leaves them for me. She is a good grAn I general however there have been issues in the past which make me dislike her however I always put a smile on my face and make a huge effort to make everyone feel welcome s/heal bad feelings since my daughter was born. This has worked well and we get on well however i am getting annoyed that she/they stay for so long!!

I do not have a problem with my parents/friends/sil/sis length of visits as they dont do this.

I am annoyed at partner as he doesnt want to say anything to his parents.partner thinks its only one/twice week deal with it. Problem is he has never wanted to bring any issue with his mum or dad (strange family) I even had to tell his mum not to come visiting our home when she has had a drink when daughter was 8 weeks old after she turned up (pre arraged) drunk as a skunk.

If you have made it this far thank you! I would like to know if u think aibu as my man does. Do you think these visits are too long? Am I bu?

mistlethrush Fri 22-Nov-13 22:15:17

I think that its very impolite to bring food and not offer you any - then not clear up after yourself... Can you disable the cooker or microwave when they come or something and say 'sorry its not convenient' - or simply have it out with them?

SeptemberFlowers Fri 22-Nov-13 22:19:57

YANBU - That would drive me mental. angry I would start a clear "We need to talk about boundaries" chat.

Can you suddenly have a very busy social life and just not be home ? I would even be so desperate to be out on a very long walk !

Leeds2 Fri 22-Nov-13 22:24:43

Do they ring and ask if it is convenient? Or just turn up?

livingmydream612 Fri 22-Nov-13 22:27:11

Thanks for replying. I am not very good with confrontation therefore when they started bringing food/leaving dishes I dropped a few hints such as always having a clean sink/mentioning that we use the kettle for washing dishes and i have just boiled it etc. She just ignores really. I am actually normally out of the house quite often however they ways appear when im bloody home! His mum brought over a pair of her slippers (to live here) :-o I thought u are too bloody comfortable in my home!

Sorry for typing errors mobile tphone pita.

livingmydream612 Fri 22-Nov-13 22:29:02

Thanks for making me smile mistlethrush i wish i had the bottle for disabling the oven lol she doesnt use microwave (mores the pity)

fifi669 Fri 22-Nov-13 22:32:22

I wouldn't be as polite as you! It's your house! Tell them to bugger off!

livingmydream612 Fri 22-Nov-13 22:33:13

Leeds2 its a bit of both. They turn up out of blue sometimes (when were dtd etc) and knock, call and look in front window if we dont answer :@ sometimes they ask to come over tbh I dont mind them visiting but I wish it wasnt sooo bloody long/hassle.

AtticusMcPlatypus Fri 22-Nov-13 22:34:37

Slippers!! She is seriously taking the piss. You need to get your OH to say something and soon. At this rate they'll be moving in before too long.

livingmydream612 Fri 22-Nov-13 22:37:53

Fifi669. I wish I could do this and probably would to some extent with my family however I feel so ucomfortable having to be so rude to his parents. I feel like what there doing is rude however I feel like I have allowed this to go on so they just do it anyway. Any suggestions on how to cut down visiting length?

123rd Fri 22-Nov-13 22:43:00

I know its a cop out but EVERY TIME they turn can you pretend to just be on the way out?

thatstoast Fri 22-Nov-13 22:43:21

Only twice a week?! That's a lot of visits! If you're husband isn't going to sort it out then you'll have to get used to a bit of confrontation.

If they ring in advance, tell them it's not a good time.

If they don't ring in advance, tell them it's not a good time and could they ring ahead next time they want to visit to avoid a wasted journey.

Throw out the slippers. If MIL ask you where her slippers are, say they must be in her house as there's no reason why they'd be in YOUR house.

livingmydream612 Fri 22-Nov-13 22:44:43

I asked him today to say something and he doesnt want to. It is actually annoyingly the. .... Out of me. Dunno if u can swear on mn but I get what I mean. He thinks aibu as its only coupleof times wk etc. I am home anyway, if they turn up and I am out they will have to deal with it. Problem is if I am out then they phone me and wait outside my house until I am home! I think partner is a tit who would never say a word to upset his pp. I love him, he is a great dad and partner. This is my only bugbear with him and its always been a issue with us tbh he wont ever tell them there wrong etc

clam Fri 22-Nov-13 22:44:50

So, your dh reckons you should "just deal with it." How would he get on with it if your parents descended on him when he was home alone with you not there? Would he sit around making polite conversation all day? I think not!

livingmydream612 Fri 22-Nov-13 22:48:46

123rd I think I might be coming to that point very shortly.

Thatstoast I feel like its a lot of visits as well.

Nanny0gg Fri 22-Nov-13 22:49:07

I have slippers at both my DC's houses...


I don't get it. If you don't want them, tell them it's not convenient as you're just going out/expecting friends and it would be far better if they phoned to check first.

As to the cooking in your kitchen - again, just tell them it's not on!

Could you occasionally go to theirs (keeping the visit short) to sort of pre-empt them?

Nanny0gg Fri 22-Nov-13 22:50:09

If you're out - tell them you don't know what time you'll be home and it's not convenient!

Put your foot down.

DownstairsMixUp Fri 22-Nov-13 22:52:57

Two times a week is actually quite a lot! If your parents decided twice a week was ok to, that's four days a week of visitors straight away! I love my parents to bits but that's too much and the looking through the window, etc would pee me right off. I second saying your heading out when they come in and if they ring first say it's not the right time. Not saying cut them out completely but rather fit it round when it suits you and the kids. I would never dream of just assuming I could turn up and taking their own food is just crazy!

WhoNickedMyName Fri 22-Nov-13 22:52:59

Answer the door with your coat on saying "oh dear I'd invite you in but I'm just on my way out".

If they're waiting at your house when you get home "oh dear I'd invite you in but I've only popped home to pick up my bank card/go to the loo/feed the cat".

If you do let them in "I'm sorry, I've got to go out in half an hour", then after 20 minutes "it's been nice to see you but I'm really going to have to get ready to go out now, here are your coats" whilst ushering them out the door.

You don't have to be rude, you don't need to cause an argument, you just need to be firm. It's that easy.

waltermittymissus Fri 22-Nov-13 22:53:27

Why do

waltermittymissus Fri 22-Nov-13 22:54:14

Shit sorry!

Why do they bring their own food to cook?

Is that not really weird? And slippers??

livingmydream612 Fri 22-Nov-13 22:56:00

Clam you are bang on and thats exactly what I said to him, he said he has to spend time with my family/friends. Thing is my side are considerate. Thank god.

livingmydream612 Fri 22-Nov-13 22:59:42

Nanny0gg I have tried to visit theres for example on sunday afternoon we stayed for an hr. They arrived Wednesday (arranged) spend the whole day here and turn up today gain unarranged.

I have also suggested a few times to txt or call first as we are busy/have plans etc. Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesnt!

livingmydream612 Fri 22-Nov-13 23:01:48

Nanny0gg they also still come in/stay when friends are here or expected lol thanks for your suggestions sorry if I came accross of the defence there I do appreciate your comments :-)

livingmydream612 Fri 22-Nov-13 23:05:40

Waltermittymissus what a nAme lol. They like meat (red) I do not therefore I dont have any for them to eat (plenty of other food though) thats the best way to expLain your question as I also find it weird.

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