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To NOT want my husband to have a makeover and dress as a woman?

(181 Posts)
Katie4u Thu 21-Nov-13 23:56:23

I have known about my husband's need to dress as a woman for almost 20 years. I came home unexpectedly one day to find him wearing my clothes. I was shocked and quite frightened. He explained that this was something he had been doing in secret since he was a little boy. Me being me, I felt sorry for him. We spoke about it for quite a while - I couldn't shut him up - I tried to understand him, but it became clear to me that this wasn't something that was going to go away. I told him that I didn't want to be part of it, that our children mustn't ever see him or know about it and he has been true to his word. There have been times when he has asked if he could dress and be with me and I must confess that, in bed, he was a lot more passionate making love to me dressed in my undies than he was when he was naked ... he's not gay! Now that our kids have flown the nest, he has had more opportunity and is taking more risks. He wants to know how good he would look with a professional makeover and he has found a place where he can go to do this. I have said no. I'm frightened where tis might lead? Am I being unreasonable?!

shadypines Wed 02-Jul-14 16:44:22

Hi Katie, I can feel for you, I found out after 13yrs of marriage, when I thought I knew everything there was to know about my DH, that he was a cross-dresser. He sat me down and told me calmly one evening, out of the blue, words cannot describe how shocked I felt. It must have been a lot more tough for you to find out the way you did.

When you had your initial chats about it, did you tell your husband what you would be comfortable/uncomfortable with or have you since? I think you need to perhaps make it clearer to him, perhaps he is thinking 'she will come round' like you have been persuaded to do other things (albeit you say you enjoy them). I think you need to be clear in your own mind and make it clear to him that there is a point when you will say 'STOP - I'm NOT comfortable now with the way this is going' and your husband at that point needs to put your needs over his. I like to think that that is what I would do if my DH pushed the boundaries but is easier for me to say being on the outside looking in. Just be honest though, if you are not happy it will only lead to an unhappy relationship. Good luck.

Numanoid Wed 02-Jul-14 15:59:29

All I can think is that he shouldn't have to ask permission to go for a makeover. If he wants to, he should go ahead.

I don't see the problem with him cross-dressing. I only know 2 men who cross dress, although neither are gay.

If my DP wanted to cross dress, my only worry would be the possible comments and perhaps violence towards him if he did so outside.

Itsjustmeagain Wed 02-Jul-14 13:46:57

i hope the OP and her DH worked things out.

If my dh started doing this I think I would be shocked BUT we have been together since we were 15 I dont think I would leave him unless he changed his personality and who he was, I love him too much. However, I think it would mean the death of our sexual relationship - and I cant explain why but I just dont think I could be attracted to him if he was dressed as a woman or expressed a desire to be a woman. Perhaps I am wrong to think that but I do.

deedelaney81 Wed 02-Jul-14 13:37:20

Not all men who cross dress will transition to become women, however some will and my husband (and best friend) is one of them. It took me a long time to accept that this wasn't something done to hurt me but that he was, simply, a woman and always had been. The pressures on him to be/act like the man society demanded he be eventually took their toll on him and he became increasingly ill, angry, unable to sleep etc.. When he first came out to me I was upset about being lied to but looking back I realised he'd tried to tell me many times. I accepted and helped him choose clothes and make up ( fortunately he's not the flamboyant type) but it became obvious that his feelings ran deeper. I was afraid of losing him but as he progressed onto hormones he seemed much calmer and happier and the 'male' side of his personality that I was afraid was lost actually returned. I did consider leaving him on more than one occasion, both for my happiness and his but I stayed because I love him so much I was prepared to keep him any way I could. I'm not gay or bi (not prejudiced either) but we now have a better relationship than before including sexually. No lies, no pressures, just the honest relationship we both always wanted. I've never had a lesbian experience in my life before but it doesn't feel like that. His (now her) body isn't a turn off, I just simply get turned on differently. She is a better lover and a better person than he ever was (and he was a good husband). Some people have accepted us and some haven't but we don't waste our time worrying about them. I've seen the Beaumont Society mentioned in earlier posts and they're definitely worth contacting. It doesn't have to be the end if he's TS, there's light at the end of the tunnel.

DuchessofKirkcaldy Tue 01-Jul-14 07:16:06

I fully agree that wearing whatever you like should be ok for anyone.
It's just clothes after all it's not like it hurts anyone.
From my point of view though I met and married a man who told me nothing of this then several years later told me about this and is now contemplating transitioning.
It's not the clothing,it's the lies.

I understand fully that it is our society that has forced him to hide this and really believe it should be different.

caruthers Mon 30-Jun-14 20:27:34

You wear what you want redshifter if anyone thinks it offends them it's their problem.

redshifter Mon 30-Jun-14 20:24:52

And FUCK you sexist, controlling cunts who judge me on the clothes I wear.

I am not allowed to to wear the same clotbes as you because I have a penis.

You sexist, bigoted, bastards.

redshifter Mon 30-Jun-14 20:21:51

Life's not worth a damn, until I can shout out.. I AM, WHAT I AM

DuchessofKirkcaldy Mon 30-Jun-14 18:15:22

Sorry to add
When he first told me this he said he identified as male.
Now he only ever refers to himself as trans/ cross gender.

His attitude has really changed too. Any one who struggles to understand eg his mum who he has recently told is closed minded and behind the times and in his eyes not worth talking to.

His DM's reaction was "ok, I still love you but I don't really need to know any more.Do you want to stay for your tea?" So could have been much worse.

SarcyMare Mon 30-Jun-14 17:16:48

I honestly don't see why anyone feels the need to wear jeans, i have never been comfortable in a pair once in my life, but i don't call people sick who do like them.

DuchessofKirkcaldy Mon 30-Jun-14 17:10:51

OP I could almost have written your posts myself....except that I have only known for 2 years (we have been married 13).

I do my best to understand, help him with shopping, make up etc. He dresses well and I will even admit to borrowing the odd top or necklace from him.

However deep down it is killing me. I love him deeply and want him to be happy but every so often it all blows up and we have a huge row.
This mainly happens when he "moves the goalposts"
It went from something he did in private to something he felt he wanted me to know about.
I said "fine, I know but would prefer not to see"
To telling close friends, then going out in public (abroad)
Now he shaves his body hair, plucks his eyebrows and even his voice and mannerisms have changed. He drinks wine/cocktails when we go out although he was always a pint man.

I get occasional flashes of the man I once married and live for them.
We rarely have sex as he says he has no libido at the moment and washing his lacy knickers just doesn't do it for me!

He says he still loves me.

He has even said he will bury it all again as he has done for years to please me.

How can I force him to be miserable for my sake?

There really seems to be no answer sad

Jesse4pink Mon 30-Jun-14 15:58:45

I know this topic's old but I'm interested on the outcome?

I'm a straight guy and a crossdresser my self, have been since 6 years old lol hey I grew up in the 80s those girly men's fashion's stayed with me, I've always been fully open with it and my wife knew all about me before she took me on lol, I'm not one for dresses, panties, bras as it's not me i have no desire to want to look like an outright woman, I'm naturally a feminine kind of guy lol which is just as well considering my real name's "Jesse" haha jking aside that's me so I look for things to show that side of me, I'm more into woman jeans, tops, leggings, denim short shorts and other little feminine bits and bobs, that's about as far a I take it, I wear woman's clothing for one thing and one thing only because mens clothes are very boring the color choice is far better in the woman's section and there is a lot more to choose from in terms of style and more importantly womans clothes fit me better as I'm a tall skinny curvy guy.

What i find upsetting in this topic is the blatant disrespect the husband has for his wife, the fact that he's lording it over on everything is shameful and shows he couldn't give a toss what she thinks or at least that's how it comes across, the fact he's opened a facebook page parading as a woman and likes getting chatted up by guys speaks volumes, does he want to be be with guys? or is it fantasy, I fear the OP's marriage maybe heading for a rough time because he is clearly leading a different life and it would seem he doesn't need her.

MarianGregory Wed 14-May-14 13:37:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oblomov Thu 23-Jan-14 21:52:08

I don't think I could cope with it.
I suspect it won't go away and will only get worse.

BackOnlyBriefly Thu 23-Jan-14 21:30:48

Thanks rachelmonday. I should probably say that I have no problem with it. I don't believe anything should be taboo unless it harms others, and this couldn't be more harmless. It's amazing really that we became so fixed in our expectations of behaviour that it could be considered a problem at all.

rachelmonday1 Thu 23-Jan-14 19:49:06

BackOnBriefly: I think the attraction varies from person to person. Personally I'm a very happily married man (yes, she knows) and leave a very healthy and active life as a man. I do however enjoy dressing as a woman and going out to "normal" places with girlfriends, just as a woman does. So for me, it's more than just the clothes, whereas others may be content with simply watching telly in a skirt. It's such a broad and varied spectrum.

BackOnlyBriefly Thu 23-Jan-14 17:03:00

So what is the attraction then? It's been suggested it's not the clothes as such, the colors and materials, so is it what they represent? In other words because they are women's clothes.

The ideal thing would be if we could lose all the 'rules' about what people wear. That would be convenient for us all. If any random mix of clothes were socially acceptable and no one took any notice then next time there's a heatwave I could just wear a really long t-shirt. Essentially a dress, though I wouldn't pick one in pink because it wouldn't be any kind of statement for me and I prefer blue or white.

If that happened and men & women walked around in all kinds of stuff, a tuxedo and a mini skirt, a sari and a bowler hat, then what might those people who are cross dressing choose to wear. Would it still be the same dresses and high heel shoes or would cross dressing become meaningless?

rachelmonday1 Thu 23-Jan-14 16:02:50

BackOnlyBriefly: Crossdressing is definately not the same as wanting to become a woman (ie: surgery), but has different degrees. For some, men are happy to wear something feminine in private, for others, they want to look as feminine as possible and to enjoy shopping and evenings out. Whatever degree, the men are very rarely gay, but someone who enjoys wearing something in privet will often want more.

LibraryBook: Exactly right smile

LibraryBook Thu 23-Jan-14 15:49:41

Most women wear trousers. It doesn't turn them into a man and most don't wear them to embrace their inner bloke. grin In the same way a man dressing in a skirt doesn't turn into a woman.

BackOnlyBriefly Thu 23-Jan-14 15:36:37

I always thought that cross dressing was separate from wanting to be the other gender, but I am not so sure now.

It would certainly make sense if we could all wear whatever felt comfortable. As a man I've thought on really hot days why I couldn't wear something like a toga. That need not be feminine, just cooler. After all, Roman men wore them. I've also seen men in kilts and that doesn't look feminine at all.

So is the point about cross dressing, wearing bright, soft, loose clothes or is it always about looking like the 'other' gender?

What would happen if it became common for men to wear short pink togas and women long blue ones. Would some men want to wear a long blue one simply because that is what women were wearing?

Supercosy Thu 23-Jan-14 15:32:33

Totally agree Rachel. I find it really annoying when people say about "butch" women "why do they feel the need to dress up like that?" I say "because those are the clothes/style that makes them feel happy and comfortable....they're not trying to be something anymore than you are". It befuddles me that it offends some people so hugely that others transgress those supposed gender barriers. Or maybe I am just someone to whom that ambiguity is attractive but to others it's not....I don't know!

rachelmonday1 Thu 23-Jan-14 15:22:12

LibraryBook: No, it's not just the "silkiness and sheerness of the drawers". It's the whole feel of wearing a pretty dress or a nice skirt and blouse. By definition, a skirt or dress will feel so different to wearing trousers and the fact that the fabric and colours are also so different simply add to their overall "feel". It's very hard to explain, but I just feel so comfortable in such clothes.

Supercosy: Your point is very well made. Please don't take this the wrong way, but your point helps illustrate my view on the shades of grey between "absolute female" and "absolute male". I am a male the loves wearing feminine styles and your partner is a female that prefers a more male style. We are all different and cannot help the way we were made.

Supercosy Thu 23-Jan-14 15:02:56

It's a funny old thing though isn't it? I'm a gay woman. I like to dress in a very feminine way most of the time, dresses, make up, etc. My Dp is the opposite, she NEVER wears dresses, in fact the idea of her in a dress is a really strange one to her, she lives in jeans, chinos, smart shirts for work and fleeces etc for outside work. It's not a "costume" for her, it's what she feels comfortable wearing and I think she is beautiful.

People do sometimes mistake her for a man. It's a little bit embarrassing for her at times but she is not considered freakish and her preference for dressing like this isn't seen as something to be hidden. Isn't it funny that we have such double standards as a society? I'm not having a go at you OP at all. I can see how this could be difficult in a relationship for some people (maybe alot of people) but I do feel so sorry for men that they are not "allowed" to express that side of themselves without ridicule.

following Thu 23-Jan-14 14:55:53

i would find it disturbing if i came home and found my husband dressed in my clothes , he would be shown the door .

LibraryBook Thu 23-Jan-14 14:46:48

Rachel - It's not just the silkiness and sheerness of the drawers though, surely? Otherwise they would make men Calvin Klein boxers in knitted silk and peached silk, and that would satisfy the demand.

Most transexuals appear to dress as a sort of caricature of womanliness.

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