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to not reinforce dc's relationship with MIL?

(62 Posts)
elliegoulding Thu 21-Nov-13 17:36:52

I do not let my children visit Mil as BiL also lives there, BiL is on the Sex offenders register for having indecent images of children on his computer.

DH and MiL believe that BiL is innocent and was wrongly convicted (he says he was forced into a guilty plea) therefore I dont feel they would adequately safeguard my dc's as they truly dont think he is a risk. I find him sinister and tbh he scares me.

MiL hates me now as she feels I am disloyal for not standing by her son (BiL), we speak and exchange pleasantries when we see each other but there is no closeness anymore. Until the guilty plea I gave him the benefit of the doubt and since, I have invited MiL for meals, Xmas last year etc but she politely declines, the only time dc's see their gm is when DH takes them round if he knows BiL is out (he doesnt agree with me but respects my wishes, we also told the sw who was dealing with the case that they wouldnt be having contact with BiL, if they did then a risk assessment would have needed to be undertaken)

Tbh, I'm not arsed anymore that they dont see her, it upsets Dh though. she could visit them here or take them out any time but doesnt/wont presumably out of principle.

DH is torn, he loves all of us but believes his twatting brother is innocent, he respects how I feel but it still causes almighty rows.

Spottybra Thu 21-Nov-13 17:39:39

Children are innocent and quite rightly come miles ahead of family politics.

The facts are, in black and white, your bil is a convicted sex offender. Whether his parents want to believe that is their concern.

ILetHimKeep20Quid Thu 21-Nov-13 17:40:09

He's been deemed a risk, you are doing everything right, the rest are in denial or enabling his behaviour.

Your dmil has options, she's choosing not to take them and that's her problem.

OhBabyLilyMunster Thu 21-Nov-13 17:43:53


thebody Thu 21-Nov-13 17:46:36

you are completely right op. absolutely.

how dreadful for your mil and dh to have to deal with this dreadful situation. I can sympathise with them. especially your dh, but your mil should visit your children at your house as you suggest so she has made a choice.

I suppose she just can't being herself to belive her son has done this. dreadful.

but you are completely right op. must be tough.

Minnieisthedevilmouse Thu 21-Nov-13 17:47:16

He's been convicted! They don't do that lightly you know. Or your mils should sadly know. He didn't click on it by accident and alarms went off. He likely went back again and again and well I dread to think.

It would be no contact for me as well. So sorry.

lunar1 Thu 21-Nov-13 17:49:11

I think I've read your posts before, you are doing the right thing. Mil is chiding not to have a relationship. She could easily come to yours.

CombineBananaFister Thu 21-Nov-13 17:50:12

Yanbu, there are reasonable options there for your mil to have a relationship with the dc but she chooses not to. I would do exactly the same as you. How she feels about her son shouldn't have to spill over into ruining things with her Gc - very petty.
On a personal level,It must be truly awful for your Dh/mil though, what do you do when someone you love is capable of horrible things? I often wonder how people cope. The dodgy people out there are someones son/brother/dad. must be heartbreaking.

missinglalaland Thu 21-Nov-13 17:50:36

You are not being unreasonable. Your dh and mil have divided loyalties and clouded judgement. Perhaps understandably so, but thank goodness you are there to put your foot down!

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Thu 21-Nov-13 17:51:07

How could they force him into a guilty plea, they would have had to have proof he had those images.

Your right to refuse contact.

fluffyraggies Thu 21-Nov-13 17:51:19


But YANBU at all OP.

Your priority should always be your children when the chips are down. The kids safety comes before the rest of the family and their feelings. MILs, BILs, and even husbands feelings.

Further more they should understand this.

Ruffcat Thu 21-Nov-13 17:55:58

Yanbu, I wouldn't bother any more, tbh dc's wouldn't even step foot in the house where he lived incAse he come home early.

She would be welcome to visit at our house but that would be it

Nanny0gg Thu 21-Nov-13 17:57:58

She's being really silly.

And does she and your DH think those images weren't on the computer? Or were they 'planted'?

YA absolutely NBU.

Greensleeves Thu 21-Nov-13 18:03:57

You're right, you know you are. It's awful and sad but you have to put your children first and that's that. Your MIL probably knows that at some level, but she can't face it. She would explode with rage and disgust if she faced up to what he has done - easier to maintain that he's innocent.

I'm confused about the forced guilty plea. If the stuff was on his computer, then it was - there's no grey area there

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 21-Nov-13 18:19:05

I remember your posts from before. This is the MIL who lives nearby, right? And everything about BIL's case was in the local press recently?

YANBU. But I actually think your DH is by continuing to let your children be around DMIL/in BIL's home. If, God forbid, one of my relatives were to be convicted of being a paedophile, there is no way on earth my children would be in the house of that person - whether they were at home or not.

FetchezLaVache Thu 21-Nov-13 18:22:18

I also remember your previous threads and YA ABSOLUTELY N IN ANY BASTARD WAY BU.

IIRC, BIL was found with (conservatively) hundreds of indecent images, some of them in the worst categories, and this wasn't the first time. On what grounds, just out of interest, does your husband believe him to be innocent?

TheRobberBride Thu 21-Nov-13 18:24:01


elliegoulding Thu 21-Nov-13 18:25:50

Ive not posted before about this subject, but if anyone knows how to link me to the similar thread I would be eternally grateful - would love to inbox someone who has been through this smile smile

Thankyou for the support, it really helps to get others opinions as you start doubting your own judgement after a while hmm hmm

gobbynorthernbird Thu 21-Nov-13 18:27:08

Don't let DH take the children round at all. What if BIL hasn't left yet, or comes home early? Somebody has to ensure your DC are safe, and it won't be MIL or DH.

Blueandwhitelover Thu 21-Nov-13 18:27:53

Was this the one where you found most of your info out through the paper because MIL was still brushing it under the carpet and denying it or was that someone else?
Either way, YANBU, your children, your duty to protect them.

FryOneFatManic Thu 21-Nov-13 18:30:32

I don't think this is the same poster as the in the other thread the OP's DH agreed with the OP of that thread and didn't trust his DB with the children, IIRC. The DH here does seem to believe the BIL is innocent.

elliegoulding Thu 21-Nov-13 18:31:06

# Computer was hacked by Ukranian paedophiles
# Police stitch up
# Adult porn is actually now illegal!
# Rogue virus that downloads unseen images onto your hard drive
# Images not that offensive, 'even the solicitor said they should have been downgraded' and BiL is being made an example if.

have all been reasons pathetic desperate excuses proffered by BiL!!

3boys3dogshelp Thu 21-Nov-13 18:34:12

Yadnbu! And I usually find myself defending mils on here! Stick to your guns. Imagine if you let them spend time with him and something happened - you would never forgive yourself and I doubt ss would either.

SofaKing Thu 21-Nov-13 18:35:10

You are absolutely doing the right thing. A friend's db was convicted of indecency with children, friend went nc but family wouldn't believe he was guilty, and cut all ties with friend.
Friend's db was later jailed for nine years for a sickening catalogue of rapes and abuses against his step children and their friends. Had my friend not gone nc his children could easily have been among the victims.

You are doing the right thing to protect your dc from harm, and nothing matters more, not your mil' s feelings or your dh's, only your dc safety.

Sukebind Thu 21-Nov-13 18:42:45

No, if she wants to see them she should come to you. You have told the SW there will be no contact and even on that basis alone you must not allow potential contact unless the risk assessment has been done. Aside from the more serious possibility of your BIL being alone with the children, you could also find yourselves in all sorts of complications with SS if it was found that there was contact in this situation. Even if your MIL and DH believe him to be innocent they can surely see the legal situation regarding SS?
Aside from that, many times I have heard about children being abused by family members who were known to have been abusive (I know BIL has not, so it's not quite the same) but somehow the children's parents just didn't think it would happen again or to their children and the children have been so badly damaged. It's just not worth the risk.

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