To feel so clueless? Upset and bewildered and so sad(20 Posts)
I am so lonely. I have friends, but they're all very busy with their own lives and partners and families. I chat to them on the phone or see them for a few drinks once a week. The rest of the time I'm on my own and I'm so fed up of it. I just don't understand what people like me do? I've been single for over a year, not in a place for a new relationship, tried dating a few months ago and realized that. My relationship with my mother isn't great, I want her to be a mum and take more interest in my life, but she thinks I need a serious partner to get the emotional fulfillment I need, though she says she's happy to talk with me for an hour or so twice a week.
I have just finished with a brilliant counseller for money reasons, and the fact that I'm so sad and pathetic I'll really feel affected by not having her anymore (someone paid to care) is making me cry. I feel at my wits end. I'm never going to matter to anyone.I don't know what I'm lacking.
Could you volunteer for a charity to fill some of your time? With children (scouts, guides, a youth club) animals (working at an animal rescue shelter) the elderly, disabled? There are so many groups out there crying out for help, would you be able to do something like that. As a volunteer you would be able to work around any other commitments you have but get to meet new people while you are doing your work and do as many or as few hours as you wish.
I'm sorry you're lonely . It is good that you've got friends, but I know that still leaves acres of time on your own.
Parents are often not what we expect them to me, I'm 39 and still row with my dm.
Tell us about your life-work? kids? and then perhaps we can make helpful suggestions.
I can't think of anything useful to say because im not very keen on people myself,but I just wanted to tell you that you will be ok.
I think you need to find something (not someone) that you love. A passion, an interest - but not in another person, in a "doing" if you know what I mean. It's that which can bring fulfilment.
Thanks for the replies..I do volunteer with a charity already, I love them & my regular job so I am fulfilled in that way. Get along well with the people I encounter there.
I have no kids, would love to be a mum someday but have fertility issues, so I want to foster one day when I am more settled in career, money wise and just more at peace with myself.
Well you know fostering is a valid career too? Why wait OP? Why not just start now? You have love to give...
Of course you matter. You matter a great deal.
I'm with Jitney. Fostering is a career and I would definitely start looking into it. Now. And good luck.
You will matter to someone. The people you help in your charity volunteering, you will matter to them. Although your mum may be distant, you will matter.
Nobody needs a relationship to get emotional fulfilment. I definitely don't! As for friends, I have one who I talk to regularly - the rest will be once every few months and that suits me!
Like spottyblanket says, you need to find an interest in something you're passionate about. Do it as a small hobby on the side to keep you occupied.
I don't want to foster for money - I want to foster once I have worked on myself and am more secure in who I am I suppose, then I'll be in a place to be a better parent- and also when I have my own home rather than sharing with other twenty somethings! But yes, I love children and I know I will be a good mum someday.
Finishing counselling can be really hard if you got on well with the counsellor and the work you did with them was helping.
I went to a counsellor for a long time. She was fab and helped me loads.
It was my decision to stop, partly based on finances. It was very hard and like a bereavement when we finished.
So I'm not surprised that you feel a bit lost at the moment.
It took a while but it got easier and thinking of the help and changes made through the counselling certainly helped.
I know you say you are not ready for a relationship, but perhaps you could try an ad for friendship.
Often people in your position buy themselves a dog and it works wonders on a number of levels. I'm just putting the idea out there.
Hi Lonesome Dove,
I can really relate to how you feel. I frequently felt invisible (and still do sometimes), like I am really quite low down on most people's priority lists. I think I am a nice person with many great qualities (and it has taken a lot of self esteem building to learn this), but when I feel like I don't have any proper friends and people to share my life with, I feel really isolated and sad. And I feel pathetic for feeling like that, but I am really very self conscious, shy and lacking in confidence.
I had counselling earlier this year and for me it was a bit like opening a can of worms. I was in two minds about continuing, but didn't partly because of the cost. It was like a bit of a crutch, but now I am no longer attending, if I have an issue I just try to work through it in my head like I would have done at counselling. Sometimes it helps. If you feel you still need to continue with the talking therapy, have you looked at lower cost options? Like the services some charities provide, and their fees are on a sliding scale based on salary? It might not be as good as the counsellor who worked well for you, but if talking helps you...
My issues really came to a head two or three years ago, when my self loathing was at its worst. What helped was, instead of dwelling on things when things went wrong (e.g. if a friend blew me out yet again, or if I wasn't invited to something), I tried really hard to turn the page and move on, rather than take notice of how shit the situation made me feel. I didn't have any huge dramatic falling out with anyone, or cutting people out of my life or anything, I just had to teach myself "This person has not got time for me right now" and not take it personally. And I really had to try hard to only do things that were in my best interests. I am naturally eager to please, in my desperation for friends (and relationships) and this was putting me on the back foot in a big way. I was sick of people taking advantage of me, not because they were evil necessarily, but just because they knew they could.
I also really made an effort to allow myself to do something I love. I had always wanted to learn to dance but never had the chance/guts. When I was at my lowest ebb I started classes and it changed me completely, it really gives me something to look forward to and has improved so many other aspects of my life, and given me confidence. I have met some cool people through doing it as well - not necessarily bosom buddies, but it's some sort of social contact, whereas before I could spend a whole weekend not speaking to a soul. It's easy to glibly suggest that lonely people take up a hobby, I used to get really annoyed at that as I felt so socially inept, but finding something you love is a good distraction. It's great that you have the charity work to keep you occupied
So while I am not entirely happy and satisfied, I am more at peace now. I still have wobbles, sometimes major ones, but I am learning to cope with my feelings.
I don't have any advice, just wanted to tell you you are not the only person in the world who feels like this. I am certain you are not lacking anything! And you definitely matter, even if people don't show you do.
Hobbies, not people. Be your own person. I had babies and got lonely. I took up singing/choir, archery and I went back to martial arts (that I'd put on hold to have the baby) and it really filled the gap. Some can be costly but there are reasonable activities too. A lot of these places can be very social, too, so there's after-class drinks and a chat to look forward to, as well as growing your skills.
I haven't got any friends at all, at least you see yours once a week.
I'm in the same boat, however , I'm a single Mum to two disabled children which means I can't even go out and take up any hobby or social activity to meet people.
My friends are all married or otherwise settled down.
Just this morning I was thinking that last time I had an adult conversation was over two weeks ago.
People say to me that I can't be lonely I have my children, but believe me it's the loneliest experience ever, caring for two children with additional needs without any support or company.
Sometimes I just want to end my life as the loneliness becomes unbearable at times. But I wouldn't do that as then my children would have nobody.
I just wanted to say I understand how you feel and hope life improves for you.
My friend changed her life around for similar reasons just by joining things - choirs, book clubs, sports activities. It made her feel an awful lot better just having something to do on a regular basis. She also made some friends along the way.
Blueballoon - what a very difficult situation you are in. I hope someone comes up with a way for you to improve your situation.
Sounds like you are ready to foster now OP, don't rule it out
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