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To think my sis should stop her DS from hitting mine?

(57 Posts)
twinklingfairy Sun 17-Nov-13 23:28:52

My sisters son is 2 in feb and has taken to hitting my DS, just turned 5.
My DS just takes it, saying auw, every time a blow is hit (its repetitive blows) but does nothing to retaliate because his cousin is only small.
When DS shouts, they have just started to remove his cousin but he comes straight back in to repeat the process. After about 3 goes, they give up and tell DS that he is obviously upsetting him, give him what ever it is he wants.
Today I came home after 3 days away attending a course, to discover that his cousin has actually drawn blood.
DD and DS tell me that it is because DC tried to pick DS up and his nails were too long so he cut into my DS shoulder.
That's ok, I guess, but also understandably upsetting. It was hard enough to leave them so long.
But then DD tells me that my sister told them that blood was good, it would heal faster that way

I am just getting a little tired of it.
Both DS and I are told not to over react, that it is just because he is so young and doesn't understand. Though he understand well enough to say sorry and bad.
Both my sis and mum dismiss it all as being his age.
But it is very frustrating that DS is just expected to put up and accept it,then blamed somehow for it.
They, I feel, are turning my DS into a victim and DCinto a bully.
What could this mean to my DS childhood.

It's also a worry because my sis is expecting her second, in Feb.
Surely she should be a bit worried about what he DS is going/capable of doing to the newborn.
All under the title of 'just being a boy'
My 'boy' has never hit like this.
I know all children are different and boys can be boisterous but what canI do to stop my DS taking the brunt

nennypops Sun 17-Nov-13 23:32:42

Well, clearly yanbu. If they don't start now making it clear to your nephew that hitting is not acceptable, he will get the very clear impression that it's fine. Not only will he be hitting the baby, he will be hitting children at nursery or school and will end up being excluded.

twinklingfairy Sun 17-Nov-13 23:50:11

She has already chosen to stop taking him to toddler groups.

zatyaballerina Mon 18-Nov-13 00:03:42

I'd offer him a reward for hitting back. The parents have no intention of stopping the behaviour, it will only stop when another child retaliates harder. Why is your child even around these people?

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 18-Nov-13 00:04:40

Haven't you posted this already op?

WorraLiberty Mon 18-Nov-13 00:10:18

I'd offer him a reward for hitting back. The parents have no intention of stopping the behaviour, it will only stop when another child retaliates harder. Why is your child even around these people?

My god that is so wrong on so many levels....

You don't offer a reward to a child for hitting a baby (and yes a 2 year old is a baby).

You at least try to open up a conversation with the child's carers, and make it plain in no uncertain terms that the child needs protecting.

HettiePetal Mon 18-Nov-13 00:13:09

Well, if my nephew was hitting my son, and my sister was doing nothing about it, I would step in and tell him off.

twinklingfairy Mon 18-Nov-13 00:13:33

Yes, I did wally, but I reported in here because I really wanted some more thoughts because I feel a bit stuck on how to handle it.

Zatya, it's my sister and she jumps and runs whenever she hears that my children are at granny's.
On this occasion, my mum and dad were looking after my children for the weekend, because I was away on a course.
My sister also asked my mum to babysit her son so she and her DH could go to the cinema. So my mum figured she would just take my pair up there and babysit the three of them ( on an unrelated point. My parents have never come to my house to babysit)

twinklingfairy Mon 18-Nov-13 00:16:42

Telling him off doesn't really make much difference, he just goes back to do it again.

I agree Worra, I don't agree that hitting back is a good idea, especially with a 2 year old.
But in any case, two wrongs don't make a right.

Thumbwitch Mon 18-Nov-13 00:17:17

Your poor DS. And your poor nephew as well - because the lack of attention his mother is paying to his poor behaviour is going to do him no favours in the future. So she has decided to stop taking him to other social settings rather than try and teach him not to hit/hurt other children? What a cop out.

My older DS is like your DS. He has always borne the brunt of other children's bad behaviours, and has rarely hit back, especially since I've told him he's not to. DS2, however, is bidding fair to become like your nephew - I won't be hiding him away and allowing him to only beat up his big brother hmm, I will be doing my damnedest to stop him from beating anyone up.
This is what your sister should be doing.
And she should cut her son's nails, FGS!

In the meantime, you perhaps need to give your own son more coping strategies. I used to tell DS1 to get up and move away, as much as possible, put his hand up in front of the other child and say "Stop!" and "I don't like that" etc. If the other child persisted then I would take DS1 out of the situation myself but it's harder when it's in your own home, or your sister's home, and she makes no apparent effort to control her own son's problem behaviour. She needs to get to grips with this or he will become a child with unpleasant behaviour problems and few, if any, friends.

twinklingfairy Mon 18-Nov-13 00:17:40

Didn't mean to report it on here, meant to repost it. Oops

twinklingfairy Mon 18-Nov-13 00:23:29

Apparently his daddy plays rough play with him, showing him to pretend hit, jumping on daddy etc.
His son then attempts the same games with my DS.
His daddy also proudly tells stories of how he used to beat up his younger twin siblings. Saying how well he did given there was two against one.
He is keen to make his boy a tough, roly poly boy.

Mum says Dsis doesn't like it,isnt happy that her DS is hitting but can't stop her DH.
So yes, she just takes him home.
Except when it is family, she loves family and getting the cousins together.
Feels like it is getting unhealthy for my DS though sad

twinklingfairy Mon 18-Nov-13 00:25:32

I have talked to DS about it.
Telling him to do just that, get up and move. Catch his hand and say 'stop that please'.
Also asked DD to try to defend her brother, both against their DC and the accusations of it being his fault from his aunt.

HettiePetal Mon 18-Nov-13 00:27:18

Sorry - my post was a bit feeble. I think what I meant was that maybe you should step in and do whatever it is your sister won't & don't get bogged down in "her child, her rules" or whatever.

But it sounds like you've tried that and it makes no difference.

Have you spoken to her directly and and flat out told her it's unacceptable?

HettiePetal Mon 18-Nov-13 00:28:10

His Dad sounds like a twat.

twinklingfairy Mon 18-Nov-13 00:31:38

If I say anything direct, I am told that he is 2 and doesn't fully understand what he is doing.
He just thinks he is playing, doesn't know how tough he is etc etc

Thumbwitch Mon 18-Nov-13 00:32:52

Ah twinkling - your sister is up against it then. We have a lady like that at our playgroup - her DS1 is a nightmare because his Dad has been exactly the same, rough-housing with him, teaching him how to "play Star Wars" before he was 2, giving him Nerf guns suitable for 8+ on his 2nd birthday - that kind of thing.
Your BIL sounds like an immature wanker, tbh (I think the same about the lady at our playgroup's husband too).

So perhaps you could consider limiting the time your DC spend with their cousin until he can learn to behave. That might wake your sister up to it a bit more - she obviously thinks you and your DC are just going to put up with it because you're faaaaamly. Show her that she's wrong and yes, tell your DN off more if you can. If your mum and sister complain, just tell them that SOMEONE has to do it and since they're clearly incapable, you're doing your nephew a favour by trying to teach him that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Please don't make your DD responsible for your DS's safety though, that's quite a big thing to ask of her, as she'll feel guilty if she can't do it, or resentful that she can't play because she has to keep an eye on her brother the whole time. Of course, if she's watching/playing anyway, it's fine for her to be on her brother's side, but just don't ask her to do it all the time (projecting here - I was older sister to 2 sibs and frequently left "in charge", which just meant being culpable whenever they did anything wrong hmm)

HettiePetal Mon 18-Nov-13 00:34:23

So perhaps you could consider limiting the time your DC spend with their cousin until he can learn to behave

Yes. That might be all you can do now.

twinklingfairy Mon 18-Nov-13 00:36:15

There is no way that I could remove him, as I would my own.
Though,in fairness, I knowI was a bit rubbish with my DS and discipline until he was over 2.
My mum and my sister told me that he was 'out of control' and that (DSis) 'would have him sorted out within a week, for answering her back' as in, for answering his aunt back, not me.
She didn't like his tone hmm he was 2

I say this because it bugs me, that I was told my son needed more discipline by both of them, and hey ho what do you know. . . . .
'But he is just being a boy'

zatyaballerina Mon 18-Nov-13 00:41:31

So he's looking for a playfight? That's very different from what your first post described. Tell your son to pick him up, swing him around and mess around with him. Or direct the child into some other form of play your son would like to do. He's looking for your sons attention.

twinklingfairy Mon 18-Nov-13 00:42:17

Thumbwitch, you are so right.
I was just so cross tonight and I do thinkI shouldn't have said that to DD.
She shouldn't be responsible for it.
But it gets to the point where my mother and my sister simple don't listen to me.
They are always together on things.
Dsis because she is used to being right about everything
Mum because she doesn't want to have anyone upset her PLB.

And they, neither of them, rate my DS highly, they always say oh DS and roll their eyes.

DD though, they love, well mum more so.
So if DD says anything mum will listen, won't want her precious DGD upset and Dsis has no option but acquiesce.

Ridiculous isnt it!

So that's why, in my anger, I roped her into the battle.
Now I feel bad because its too much pressure for a 7yo sad

twinklingfairy Mon 18-Nov-13 00:48:48

You're right zatya, perhaps it is different, though actually, on the worst occasion,it was not play.
It was a battle over the ipad.
Dsis said, but he always gets to play with it at granny's, your pair have it and he thinks they shouldn't, so he is hitting out.
Eventual resolution.
The ipad had to be removed from my pair because she couldn't/wouldn't stop her DS from hitting mine.

The play fighting is developing into believing that hitting is ok in general.
DC is 2, my DS is only just 5.
Not a hope of being able to retaliate without DS hurting him.
So, not an option.

Thumbwitch, your comment she obviously thinks you and your DC are just going to put up with it because you're faaaaamly.
Spot on!!

Because she can't take him to toddler groups, my two are the entertainment.
Drop the attention on your cousin and he will hit you or scratch you to regain your attention.
And that's ok, cause all he wants is attention?

IMO, not ok

zatyaballerina Mon 18-Nov-13 01:15:42

Playfighting is fine in a friendly context but they're obviously not teaching him the necessary boundaries for that. There's obviously a serious issue if he can't even go to playgroup. It's not okay for your child to be attacked for attention. It really sounds like aggression has become his method of communication since nobody has bothered teaching him anything else.

You could let your kids over to your mothers only on condition your sil and nephew stay away. If she won't accept that, keep them with you. Tell your sil that you don't want your kids near hers and neither will anyone else until she gets her head out of her arse. That might jolt her out of it.

CanucksoontobeinLondon Mon 18-Nov-13 04:15:39

OMG, that is awful. I agree with Zatya's last reply. Time to get tough.

Thumbwitch Mon 18-Nov-13 04:59:16

Definitely not ok!
and since when is attention-seeking to that level acceptable behaviour anyway? What kind of message does it send the 2yo if he learns "someone isn't giving me enough attention but if I hit them, they'll do what I want"? FFS!!

If anything, he should get LESS attention for the hitting so that he learns it doesn't work - that he has to speak, ask nicely (I assume, at 2, that he CAN talk) and in some cases actually wait (not easy at 2, I know, but you've got to start the process somewhere!)

Your DC are not there to be their cousin's punchbag and I'm pretty disgusted that your own DS is so far down the pecking order of grandchildren (in fact that there even IS a pecking order of grandchildren!) that your mum and sister think it's ok. Appalling behaviour from them both, and just so sad.

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