Warning - long, ILs related and I am very hormonal!(21 Posts)
Sorry for typos etc, am on phone
5 weeks ago I had a baby, beautiful DD, first born for both grandparents and prior to having her, DH and I moved in with my parents, 200 miles from ILs where we have lived in the same city as them for 12 years and have previously posted about how to deal with their lack of boundaries and got some very helpful advice from mums netters and since addressing these issues, we've all got on fabulously and there have been no issues.
DH works away, 4 weeks at a time so when he returned, we decided to visit his parents, naturally, so we could spend time with them and they could see DD (IL's have been to visit and stay with me while DH has been away btw). During our visit, IL's decided to act like a pair of gobshites.
First incident, FIL kept telling everyone I wouldn't let him take DD out for a walk. I politely said no because DD has been out all day and had literally just shit her brains out. Every time DH left the room, he kept making references to 'taking DD away' to ther holiday home abroad, family members' abroad, on a cruise etc while totally ignoring the fact I made a joke saying 'I'm a first time mum and the thought of her vein away is making me very anxious'. As soon as DH returned, no mention of taking DD abroad.
On Friday, DH arranged to meet a friend for drinks and I was meeting another friend for coffee as I'm breast feeding. Although I wasn't keen, mil was v keen to spend time with her as she had been working all week so I went out and left DD for an hour. When I returned, I really wanted to hold DD as I'd not left her before and she needed feeding. Mil was holding DD and basically, refused to give her to me. Initially she said 'your hands are cold, she's sleeping, I don't want to disturb her'. Then I basically said, give me my baby and he said 'No. I don't want to' and basically didn't hand her over for another half an hour when DD was hungry and soaking wet.
I initially decided not to tell DH due to his dads elaborate bull shitting skills and believing I'm quite hormonal still (I don't deny this!) but I blurted it out and started crying.
I absolutely fucking livid that they have behaved like this but a tiny bit of me is wondering if I am being hormonal????
Advice please wise ones, AIBU?
YANBU or too hormonal. Not giving you YOUR baby is passive aggressive and your MIL has got a bloody cheek!
I think it was really nice and trusting of you to leave DD with her and I guess you won't be so trusting next time?! I wouldn't blame you for that!
I don't have any amazing words of wisdom other than stick to your guns and trust your instincts. Your MIL has completely overstepped the mark by not giving you your baby immediately upon request.
Have you any idea what their issue is?
I really hope things improve but if they carry on in this fashion then maybe you need to distance yourself until you are feeling stronger and can deal with them.
The very best of luck!!
Then I basically said, give me my baby and he said 'No. I don't want to' and basically didn't hand her over for another half an hour when DD was hungry and soaking wet.
That would be the last time I went to visit or let them have time alone with my baby until they changed their attitude significantly.
I'd tell them in no uncertain terms the reason why and the ball would be in their court.
They could moan and whinge all they wanted I wouldn't budge until they accepted that their behaviour was out of order.
Call me stubborn... I'd be furious though
Plus it was the first time you had left your baby! Just not on
They've given you an excellent reason why you should never visit them again.
This is not going to happen ever again, is it?
First, congratulations on your new baby.
I understand how life changing it is to have a new baby and how attached you feel. When you are breastfeeding, there is also that physical ache to feed in the early days. With DS1, people kept offering to take him out to give me a break, not realising that I wanted a break from the hoovering or cooking, not the baby!
Anyway, it sounds like your FIL has completely forgotten what it is like to have a new baby. I know that my parents and DH's parents love taking their grandchildren for a walk (basically to show them off). A good way I found to deal with this is to say "I think X is ready for a walk now, would you like to push the pram, FIL?" at a convenient time for you. Or say that you are planning to take the baby out at around X time; would FIL like to push the pram? Then there can't be any moaning because you are offering FIL to take her for a walk, but not when it doesn't suit you.
And as for MIL, she sounds like she is a bit over-possessive. Was your baby asleep though? I couldn't tell from your post if she was holding your sleeping baby or the baby was awake and crying for you. If the baby was asleep, she may well not have wanted to wake her (my MIL is obsessed with not waking sleeping babies). If she was awake, she probably just wanted to show she could calm her down (not likely with a breastfed baby!)
I find that being assertive is again a very good weapon. So "oh right I'll be taking X back now, thanks for holding her" and just taking the baby.
Everything is still very new at this stage. I felt very similar to you with DS1 but with DS2, I was able to relax much more as I remembered that he was my baby and other people getting to do stuff wouldn't change that. I was also much more assertive because I knew better what I was doing (well, a little bit.....).
I'm generally a believer in being assertive and firm but trying to keep good relations. I honestly wanted to scratch people' eyes out when they did the type of things you describe in your OP when DS1 was newborn, but now I am thrilled when MIL takes out my cheeky, energetic three year old so it was worth persevering with the relationship.
When DD was very new PIL called in.
The whole time I sat beside the basket and everyone cooed etc... I said I was sure she'd wake up soon but we preferred not to have her picked up etc... while she was asleep as she hadn't long dropped off.
I went to the loo and DH went to make coffee. Came back downstairs two minutes later and they'd whipped her out for a photo shoot - it felt like they were just hovering round waiting to swoop the second I left the room!
Of course it was very early days and I was hormonal too but every time I see that particular photo it bugs me!
If at the same stage someone had refused to give her to me they'd have been hoofed out on their ear! I can completely understand you bursting into tears. I hope your DH is able to help and speak to his parents about it.
YANBU. At all. No caring person flat refuses to give a baby back to its mother when asked.
Try not to take their suggestions about taking your DD away seriously, but every single time make sure you mention it to your DH, as lightheartedly as you can manage, ie "Your Dad was banging on about taking DD overseas without us again, what he like?!" etc. Or maybe mention it in front of all of them "FIL, what's the nearest to the holiday house, you know, the one you were saying you want to take DD to next year?".
Really he should set the boundaries with his parents, but that doesn't mean you have to go along with things you're uncomfortable with, and silence is often taken as compliance.
With FIL I'd make a joke when your dh came back - and say that next year, FIL wants to take all of us away on holiday to holiday home / cruise / etc now that we have dd. and then when FIL says oh no, I just want dd, you can stay at home, just reply that it's fine, he can take dd away one day but you're not ready to let her go away without you at the moment. Maybe someday in August 2035 you'll be ready to loosen the apron strings a little...
By putting such a long and precise date on it hopefully you'll make them laugh a bit to lighten any tension but you'll also have put your point over that she is not going off on her own anywhere for a long time yet.
Or pre-warn your dh what you're going to say so that he can do the latter sentence as a riposte to you, to show that you both think that your dd isn't going anywhere alone with them soon.
Just out of interest, how often (and how early?) did pil start letting their kids go off to their gp? Did they want to do this or were they lambasted into it by their parents, thereby setting them up to think that they could do this to you?
Oh and if somebody had refused to give me my new baby back like your mil did - I'd have been in there and physically taking her... And I say that as somebody who is by nature very calm and non-confrontational and wouldn't normally dream of reacting physically.
And if mil got hurt due to her own refusal to give the baby back then it's her own fault quite frankly - if she'd given the baby back when asked then she wouldn't have had the problem!
It's always hard with grand parents who don't live near by. Fil was obviously being a bit insensitive but sounds like he was just joking.
My own mil was terrible for not wanting to hand over sleeping babies. If the baby was sleeping in her arms, I would have just let her continue having a cuddle tbh as it sounds like she doesn't get the chance. If baby was awake and screaming that's a while different ball game. Honestly pil don't realise how easily they upset us when we are new mums.
I can laugh about it now with my mil but I was climbing walls with her behaviour after my first. We too had an incident where baby was crying and needed fed but mil wouldn't hand him over. She just kept trying to settle him and I kept repeating that he was hungry. She handed him over after 5 mins, looking disgruntled. OH got super cross with her but now we can see she got carried away with being new baby, first grandchild.
It does get better.
As the mother of a five week old dd, yanbu!!! Awful!!
There is absolutely no excuse for your mil refusing to give you your baby, how dare she behave like that
The fil stuff is insensitive but I'd just ignore it, you know it won't be happening
At least they've shown their true colours now, mil would not be trusted with one of my babies again
YANBU and I had very similar issues in the early days with DS.
However, I think you need to be assertive and set the boundaries but also do not burn any bridges as in a few months or so you may feel a bit more relaxed and want them to look after DC.
I think GPs forget what it's like to be a new mum and the demands of a very young baby (especially if exclusively breastfed) but they are also learning what it means to be a GP too as opposed to being the parent. It's a learning experience for all. Good luck and congratulations.
Oh op, have nothing but sympathy for you and not 1 thing in your post made me think you were being ur in the slightest! Well done for you for staying so calm in front of the il's though, i didnt manage so well when i had a screaming fit after mil took ds out of his basket for a photo while i nipped the toilet. like someone else said upthread that picture makes me sick everytime i go to hers and see it in a frame.
You do need to set your boundaries though, and if they are decent people they will get over the newness and excitment and learn to respect your new role as their grandchilds mother. If you dont like something, please speak up, you can always say it in a jokey way.
At the end of the day its your child not theirs, if you want her she should be given at any time! saying no i dont want to is realy unacceptable imo and i wouldnt be in a hurry to be visiting again. What did your dh say about her behaviour. You need to say when they do something that you dont like or (speaking from experience) they think they will get away with doing stuff.
It will get easier - plus you live far away from them (not jealous at all )
YANBU. At all.
And I would do exactly what pianodoodle said.
YANBU - remember, you are the mother, you are hte one in charge. I think you should ask your DH to have a word with his mother, she owes you an apology.
In your case, I'd just say to your DH that you will not allow his parents to be in sole care of your DD for the time being, as you now don't trust his mother not to deliberately undermine you. Thta doesn't mean they can't see DD, but you will insist on being there and you expect him to back you up if his parents are trying to undermine you.
She's been really stupid hasn't she, there's no way you're going to visit or welcome her into your home when your DH is away now.
Oh and if they make "taking her away" comments again, smile and say "oh gosh, don't get your hopes up, I'm not going to be letting her go away without me or DH until she's a teenager, that's not how I'm going to parent." (you of course can change your mind in later yeras, but let's get that stopped now)
My mum refused to give me my very new DD back once. DD is 21 now. I still bear a grudge. YANBU.
YANBU. If she does it again, just calmly explain to her that if she can't comply with your perfectly reasonable wishes regarding DD then you won't be visiting or having them to visit until they can do so. Then take your baby. What's she going to do?
What did your DH do when you blurted it out and started crying?
As for FIL, he is being an arse but as they will need your permission to take DD away you know it won't be happening until you and she are ready for it.
YANBU. Both MIL and FIL have behaved like a complete pair of arses. I wouldn't be in any hurry to see them for a very long time.
I'm another one who'd have taken my baby from MIL and carried on walking.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.