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Husband vs my parents situation

(571 Posts)
bountyicecream Sun 17-Nov-13 17:12:25

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

Nanny0gg Sun 17-Nov-13 22:59:56

What right do I have to take DD with me when he's her Dad.

Because he'll do to her what he's doing to you!

Kundry Sun 17-Nov-13 23:01:08

You need to see a solicitor. Although in his head he may be a SAHD, you can evidence that actually you do all the work and most of the time your DD is in nursery anyway.

The arrogance of the man is astounding. If you got proper legal advice, I strongly suspect things are not as clear cut as he thinks and you are scared of.

Kundry Sun 17-Nov-13 23:02:01

BTW have you thought of moving this thread or posting in Relationships?

gimcrack Sun 17-Nov-13 23:04:29

OP, your husband sounds irrational. Imagine you we're reading this story being posted by someone else. Would you think that what she was being asked to do was reasonable?

Ring your parents. Think about you and your DDs future. And good luck.

bountyicecream Sun 17-Nov-13 23:05:27

This sounds awful but it will be hard to get away to see a solicitor. Unless I can manage to see one locally to my work during a lunch hour. I did see a sol when I nearly left before, but obviously our situation is very different now he is at home and not working so I dont suppose what I found out then would be relevant now

basgetti Sun 17-Nov-13 23:06:32

I think you should ring Women's Aid.

GobbolinoCat Sun 17-Nov-13 23:08:07

Email around from your work account or call whilst at work and do see one in your lunch hour, extend it if you have too, urgent densit etc. They did do free half hours, don't waste it - write down what you need to say so can be done quickly and get some advice. Surely you can see one locally.

I think it would put your mind at rest and shore you up whilst you work out what to do.

UptheChimney Sun 17-Nov-13 23:11:26

I've never posted this before, but LTB.

Start making plans. Set up a getaway fund, and get some real life support. Have a chat with Women's Aid.

But leave and take your daughter with you.

bountyicecream Sun 17-Nov-13 23:11:36

gimcrack interestingly the one friend that I have confided in asked me the same thing. What would I say to her if it was her telling me what I'd just told her. And in that situation it was an absolute no-brainer. LTB. It was so clear but somehow it's just not that clearcut when it's you!

Thanks so much for letting me 'talk' it through with you all tonight. I really do value all your time and support. It has made me feel stronger and clearer headed.

kundry I have posted in relationships before. I've found the EA thread really helpful although I;ve not been there for a while.

Mumsyblouse Sun 17-Nov-13 23:11:38

Bounty- the status quo has only just changed and I think that makes a big difference, check with the solicitor (and do see one, even if you have to skimp a bit at work one day). He's only been home since August and your dd is in childcare anyway.

GobbolinoCat Sun 17-Nov-13 23:16:11

Good luck Bounty, you sound very fair and reasonable and sadly, when you are so fair and kind, people can take advantage of that.

It sounds like he is already planning on future break up strategy and yet you are here agonising over taking his DD away....

The positives here are your parents who will be there for you, and your DD. You are also bringing in a wage. I hope you are able to see a solicitor soon and that you can take strengths from the positives in your life and your faith to get you through. flowers

bountyicecream Sun 17-Nov-13 23:19:53

yes gobbolino and mumsy I do have lots of positives in my life. A lovely DD, great supportive parents and wider family too, great supportive friends, good stable employment which value and respect me too, savings of my own if I need it. I'm sure I'll find a way.

ChasedByBees Sun 17-Nov-13 23:21:35

This is so sinister OP. Whilst I think he is trying to position himself as a SAHD, as he doesn't actually do any childcare I don't think that's a defendable position. I do think a chat with WA would be good to see if you can get this evidenced somehow. It could be useful in a custody battle. Frankly, sooner or later you will need to LTB. I'd make sure you have all your ducks in a row first.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 17-Nov-13 23:21:54

This has definitely come a long way since my first lukewarm post, and not in a good direction!

Personally I wonder whether it's not quite as sinister as him wanting to get residence with DD, though worrying enough. My theory is that if he positions himself as primary carer and keeps the family unit short of money you won't dare to leave, therefore he will keep you tethered at least until DD is 18, by which time no doubt he will have fashioned another lid for the box. Don't buy it - it doesn't have to work out like this. Best not to let the current status quo drag on too long though.

He may have shot himself in the foot over the separate accounts thing. The idea may have been to keep you away from the savings, but he also won't know what you are spending on solicitors and suchlike. I wonder whether your family could lend you a bit of legal funding (mine did).

cjel Sun 17-Nov-13 23:26:50

Bounty this sounds a real mess, I would hope you can get to see a solicitor where you work tomorrow start to look.
I would also recommend that you check out the BACP website for a counsellor in your area. There are christian counsellors who would not share their faith or beliefs to their clients, people only use them because if they want to talk about the faith part of their lives they feel its easier.

They would never be a directive as the person you have been seeing who is clearly no counsellor and is in fact causing you more harm.(try a person centred counsellor)

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 17-Nov-13 23:37:30

Please listen when people are saying your being abused,because you are.

Get legal advice ASAP the quicker you do the quicker you can act but even if you decide not to act proper legal advice can not possibly hurt and it will help you make an informed choice.

So you know woman's aid do not offer legal advice you do need actual solicitors for that.

Some areas have DV outreach program's offered by intervention partnerships ( your local council will be able to give you contact details) most of them will send an outreach worker to meet you anywhere safe some are also able in a few circumstances to bring a legal advisor with them and many will accept self referrals.

Please get yourself some help.

nennypops Sun 17-Nov-13 23:50:49

He has made me feel sorry for him. I now feel that all the nasty things he did to me were justified because of how desperately sad he felt about me 'choosing my parents over him'. During spoongate and over the party.

I hope you're no longer feeling sorry for him. Those are only two occasions when you might be said to have chosen your parents over him (though even that is very very questionable). The rest of the time you have been choosing him over your parents time after time, but he will still be acting as if he has been massively injured unless you give up all contact with them forever. He clearly has major issues with his own parents, and apparently with the entire world - he really needs psychiatric help or, at the very least, to see a different marriage counsellor who might steer him in that direction.

LovesBeingHereAgain Mon 18-Nov-13 05:58:11


Do you agree with any of the following?

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.
Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

Does any of this ring a bell? This is the Women's Aid definition of Abuse.

Every single post you made has made me more concerned for you. In summary he moved you away from your area and support when you were at your most vulnerable and then left you alone. He has left work and wants you to work ft, does not like how you help your daughter with basic things such as putting on shoes, has made you choose between him and your parents and wants practically no contact. This has all come to light after you have married and you feel you can't tell anyone in real life tge whole story.

Op I would happily bet money your parents are far from pleased with all this and are in fact quite worried about you.

Please find a real counsellor to see on your own. Does your workplace have a scheme?

Your dh should want to make you happy.

paxtecum Mon 18-Nov-13 06:18:09

Bounty: Could you take an extra long lunch break to see a solicitor?
Go there prepared with notes, so you don't miss anything out.

There is a far better life ahead for you and your DD.

(In the meantime make sure you don't get pregnant!)

Best wishes to you.

myroomisatip Mon 18-Nov-13 06:48:04

Just read this. I am horrified.

Please contact Womens Aid and definitely see a solicitor, even if you have to arrange time off work. Take whatever steps you can to protect yourself and your DD.

I am worried about what he will do if/when he finds out you may leave and I really feel that you should go. Your DH is abusive.

bountyicecream Mon 18-Nov-13 08:12:26

paxtecum no chance of pregnancy thankfully.

lovesbeinghere : Yes to -

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: mocking/accusing

Pressure tactics: sulking

Disrespect: not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, refusing to help with housework.

Breaking trust: withholding information from you, being jealous, (having other relationships - once but via text only, and insists it just got out of hand)

Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.

Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying

No to the rest. Or at least yes to the above at the point when I nearly left in June.

These days I would say its more - not listening when I talk, refusing to help with (some) housework - he'll cook and shop but not clean, tidy, hoover etc - still some sulking, obviously still prevents me from seeing relatives. Definitely still says that he hasn't abused me and only treated me in the above ways to keep a barrier up as I'd hurt him so much. He has accused me of being sanctimonious and always right.

I'm considering just telling him that I want some individual counselling from a female counsellor to deal with my self-esteem and intimacy issues (at the moment I can't bear for him to touch me - understandably) people pleasing and lack of command in my voice issues. These are all things that he's highlighted that he thinks are wrong with me so in theory he should be pleased that I'm going to address them. I think I can argue that an independent female counsellor would be better for me. If he knows that I'm doing it then at least I can go openly during my time off.

Ahole Mon 18-Nov-13 08:15:50

My abusive controlling ex used to say i looked stupid with make up on, and that his friends girlfriends didn't wear it and so i shouldn't either, and various other things. He also told me that i wasn't liked and other stuff. All things disguised as concern but actually were all to do with his controlling jealous ways.

So glad you're going to see a solicitor. It really is the right thing to do.

GoblinCat. What you are choosing not to notice, is that in those other threads you mention no one tells the female op not to allow her dp to even speak to his parents and controls the topics they are allowed to discuss.

diddl Mon 18-Nov-13 08:22:01

That is awful, OP.

Can't you just go shopping/to the park but to the solicitor instead?

Are you due time of & could go to your parents & organise anything from there?

The giving up work is to me, senseless-especially as you work!

So it surely doesn't mean that you get that much more time together??

Hell, he could have taken unpaid leave!

Ahole Mon 18-Nov-13 08:23:25

All those things you mention happened in my abusive relationship.

Remember that you don't actually need his permission to have counselling or anything really. You don't actually have to persuade him as you are an adult. I know that's the way its been with the two of you for years but this isn't normal.

bountyicecream Mon 18-Nov-13 08:32:07

diddl I could go to the gym and see the sol in my smelly sportswear I suppose. Anywhere else would have him suspicious. As he has given up working we don't have spare cash for shopping. Well we do, but we're not allowed to use our (fairly extensive) savings for frivolities.

He's given up work as he was working away so only at home Fri night - Sun night. By not working we now see each other every evening. Also he is self emplyed and takes contracts as and when they come. So I suppose this is unpaid leave in a way but atm he has no intention of returning to work.

ahole thanks for sharing that. I suppose I could present the couneslling as a fait accompli. But I know that wont go down well as we're supposed to be making decisions 'jointly'. Will talk about it tonight. Also today is one of my 10d parent-phonecall days, so it will be intersting how he reacts to me ringing them tonight.

Got to work now, but back soon.

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