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OK, I should have asked first but I honestly don't see why it's such a big deal!

(323 Posts)
DrSeuss Sun 17-Nov-13 10:00:13

DD plays the clarinet . We currently rent one. I saw one going very cheaply on eBay, collection only, four miles from SIL but hundreds of miles from us. We will be seeing SIL at Christmas. She is child free by choice. (Her husband is a giant toddler but that's a whole other story!). I bought the clarinette immediately before anyone else could. This will very soon pay for itself. I rang SIL, asking if she could collect it for me please. DD is her only niece, it was four miles. I would have done that without question for anyone I know. I genuinely saw no problem although I agree it would have been more polite to ask first. However, waiting for SIL to answer the phone or return an email can take time. She has no kids and works part time. Thirty minutes to help someone who has helped her parents a fair bit seemed a reasonable ask.
She will collect the clarinet for us, I have been informed. However, I am not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

Twirlychair Sun 17-Nov-13 10:02:41

You really should have asked.

I would hate to be put upon to do anything by my SIL. I hate her guts and I wouldn't cross the road to spit on her if she was on fire. I certainly wouldn't go 4 miles. I put on a face for hatches, matches and dispatches but that's as far as it goes.

Why didn't you just ask first?

ICameOnTheJitney Sun 17-Nov-13 10:03:07

YANBU of course but you are looking at this as a parent. Before I had children I'd be a bit "humph" about being asked to do this....mainly because I was very self centered. Just forget about it...

Jbck Sun 17-Nov-13 10:03:20


MissBattleaxe Sun 17-Nov-13 10:03:58

Well it's a little bit presumptious, but I can see you were pushed for time. I also think that we parents assume that childless people have bags of time to fill, when they probably have full lives, that are just not full of children.

Babieseverywhere Sun 17-Nov-13 10:04:07

Sounds fair enough. She will do you this favor but wants asking in the future before you bid.

BillyBanter Sun 17-Nov-13 10:04:46

Well she is doing it for you and has also been assertive in letting you know that she expects you to ask first in future. You admit this would be appropriate. What is the problem?

harticus Sun 17-Nov-13 10:05:13

She is a mardy cow.
I don't hesitate to run errands for friends and family but some people seem to have a permanent shitty attitude.
Honestly I would tell her not to fucking bother and arrange for it to be sent.

weeblueberry Sun 17-Nov-13 10:06:50

While id do it myself without hesitation I don't always assume others will do the same. I'd always ask.

Also what does the fact she is childless have to do with anything??

LalyRawr Sun 17-Nov-13 10:06:56

Sorry, but I really, really hate it when people arrange for me to do things without asking.

It's like their saying 'Oh Laly doesn't have anything better to do, let's make her run errands for us.' Or in this case 'SIL only works p/t and has no kids, this means she's free to do stuff for us.'

I appreciate this clearly wasn't your thinking, but it may be how it has come across to your SIL.

3littlefrogs Sun 17-Nov-13 10:06:56

I think she is being unreasonable, not you.

What else could you have done? She sounds like a selfish and disagreeable person.

However, I would not involve her in, or ask her to do anything else for you. Ever. I would also think long and hard before I offered to do anything to help her out.

WooWooOwl Sun 17-Nov-13 10:07:07

There isn't a problem because she has agreed to do it, but it really is very rude of you just to assume that she will. Presumably it's not just collecting it, it's also storing it until Christmas, and that would be the bit that put me off the most tbh, but then your SIL might have a huge house where storage isn't a problem.

Your ask was reasonable, but you didn't ask, you assumed, and that's why you have been told not to do it again.

VodkaRevelation Sun 17-Nov-13 10:07:26

Did you know she'd be in such an arse about it or did you assume that she wouldn't mind. I wouldn't have minded if my SIL had asked me before or after I had children. Not a bit. It's reasonable to think family won't mind helping out in a situation like this.

So, YANBU unless you knew she might well react like a dick about it.

YellowDinosaur Sun 17-Nov-13 10:07:39

This isn't about having children though. I'd be happy to go that distance to collect something whatever it was (as long as it would fit in my car). It would piss me off if I was expected to go at a specific time without being asked but to drove 4 miles to collect something? not such a big ask imho, assuming you usually get on

Pollywallywinkles Sun 17-Nov-13 10:07:46

I don't think she has made it a big deal, just asked for you to speak to her in future before you make any arrangements for her.

fanoftheinvisibleman Sun 17-Nov-13 10:07:54

It is only polite to ask first.

I have had my brother pick up large things for me as he has a van. I already kbow he will do it, but I always ask before bidding.

Morloth Sun 17-Nov-13 10:08:42

Sounds fair enough to me.

A bit cheeky to just assume she is available to run an errand for you.

AllDirections Sun 17-Nov-13 10:08:56

YANBU I wouldn't mind at all as long as I didn't have a tight time limit to get it.

DrSeuss Sun 17-Nov-13 10:09:14

I should have asked but there was simply no opportunity. Also, since she plays several instruments, I thought she might be pleased to help DD acquire one. I do plenty of things for DH's mother, aunts etc. I wanted thirty minutes help. I would give my next door neighbour who I hardly know since we just moved here thirty minutes if it would help.

waikikamookau Sun 17-Nov-13 10:09:50

you need to talk to each other! you had a message from her saying she would do it but not again. how about picking up phone and apologising personally. clear the air.

Mrsden Sun 17-Nov-13 10:10:16

You should have asked her first. I'm not sure why her being childless is relevant? Do you think that people without children have nothing better to do that run your errands for you?

waikikamookau Sun 17-Nov-13 10:10:34

She will collect the clarinet for us, I have been informed. However, I am not to assume she will help...

made me think you havent actually spoken

coppertop Sun 17-Nov-13 10:10:37

I think it's fair enough that she's made her position clear. She will help you out this time so that you don't lose out, but in future she would like you to check first.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 17-Nov-13 10:10:41

If my SIL asked me to do this then I would say yes.

If she rang me and said 'I've bought this thing that you need to go and collect' and presented it as a done deal then I would be really annoyed.

YellowDinosaur Sun 17-Nov-13 10:11:57

I think it's more about understanding Ebay or not. It's not like a shop where you can take your time. If you don't buy it by the end of the auction, or a one item on buy it now, you might lose it.

Technically it would be better to ask first and obviously now having been asked to do that in the future you'd be very rude not to. But I stand by my earlier post and i'm surprised I've cross posted with so many people who think yabu to expect to be able to do this with (presumed) close family.

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