Dh has recently reestablished contact with his children due to my encouragement, which is great and they are very happy. However, without any discussion with me he's agreed that he'll visit for tea every Tuesday and have his children every single weekend he's not working (he works shifts) as well as during all annual leave. This means our 6 year old will no longer be able to do the extra curricular activity she adores on Tuesdays as we wouldn't be able to travel there as he'd have the car. It also means a 2.5 mile walk home from school during winter with our toddler also who detests her pushchair. It means no more weekends away as his children have to be home by a certain time on Sundays and cannot be collected til Sat lunchtime. It means no more holidays as dh won't challenge his ex to ensure he can take kids on holiday. It means dd having to give up her only other extra curricular activity on Sat mornings too as he'll have the car to fetch his children. So dd gives up both activities, no longer gets weekends away or days out yet his children get both with their mum and dh accommodates their activities. Also, my sister lives 3 hours away and I cannot drive that far due to health issues. Therefore, dh making this agreement means never being able to travel to see her again. I wholeheartedly believe contact with his children should be a priority but surely our children and life should be given some consideration too? AIBU?
AIBU?
to think dh is prioritising his kids over ours?
FigRolls · 17/11/2013 00:02
Well he'll have to leave earlier and finish work early on a Tuesday if needsbe then. It is an option, just one that causes more inconvenience for him.
He has done the court order without even telling you any of this? 
This sounds different to the other threads asking the same thing that I've seen on MN, he really does sound as though he's brushing off your children in favour of the two he lost contact with. (How old are they btw?)
He's definitely BU to let his DD down on the Tuesday/Saturday activities, at 6 she's going to notice what's going on, has he told her she's going to have to give up both? How did she take it? Is he not worried it might set her up for resenting the children?
Walking 2.5 miles after school on the Tuesday is just taking the piss Is it 2.5 or is it 5 miles if you're doing it both ways?
Yup, he's BU again in not talking it over with you, he either 'didn't think' (which I don't believe for a minute), or he thought about you and (because of feeling guilty?) the other children were a more pressing concern and your/DC feelings were irrelevant compared to them. Which is right if he's lost contact, but he has to re-establish it in a way that doesn't put your DC at a disadvantage.
Weekends away are a luxury and not a huge price to pay for him establishing contact again, the consequences of not having a weekend away aren't as serious as your DC maybe feeling like discarded toys now people who they feel are more important to their Dad have come along.
Hopefully it might calm down and be more flexible after he's had contact for a while?
It's 2.5 miles each way which is going to be a nightmare with toddler in the cold and is a poor replacement for a loved activity for dd. Public transport really isn't possible for him as trains don't run that late from wherethey live. I agree it's guilt that's making him prioritise them and I agree he should feel guilty but not to the detriment of our children. Dd doesn't know about him seeing them yet or her having to give up activities yet. She's just been asked to compete in one of them and to be in a show for the other so is going to be heartbroken 
Weekends away to see my sister andnnieces are now impossible so dd will miss seeing my only family.
There has to be a compromise somewhere, just one of those things and you'd be entitled to be miffed at him setting it up without talking to you, but there are so many of them.
It's not even him who's making the sacrifices, he's volunteered his 6 YO to make them instead 
(as well as and 
). You can get your head round it a bit, but it would infuriate me to see my DC being treated with such thoughtlessness by their Dad.
I would say she's not even at an age where she can rationalise why he's doing it, but even adults can find it difficult to come to terms with not being their parents priority.
What about taking it one slice of the problem at a time to try to find a way round at least a few of them?
What's he like if you bring the subject up? Can he see how he's letting you/DC down and how that might make you feel?
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