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to think dh is prioritising his kids over ours?

(226 Posts)
FigRolls Sun 17-Nov-13 00:02:39

Dh has recently reestablished contact with his children due to my encouragement, which is great and they are very happy. However, without any discussion with me he's agreed that he'll visit for tea every Tuesday and have his children every single weekend he's not working (he works shifts) as well as during all annual leave. This means our 6 year old will no longer be able to do the extra curricular activity she adores on Tuesdays as we wouldn't be able to travel there as he'd have the car. It also means a 2.5 mile walk home from school during winter with our toddler also who detests her pushchair. It means no more weekends away as his children have to be home by a certain time on Sundays and cannot be collected til Sat lunchtime. It means no more holidays as dh won't challenge his ex to ensure he can take kids on holiday. It means dd having to give up her only other extra curricular activity on Sat mornings too as he'll have the car to fetch his children. So dd gives up both activities, no longer gets weekends away or days out yet his children get both with their mum and dh accommodates their activities. Also, my sister lives 3 hours away and I cannot drive that far due to health issues. Therefore, dh making this agreement means never being able to travel to see her again. I wholeheartedly believe contact with his children should be a priority but surely our children and life should be given some consideration too? AIBU?

Inertia Sun 17-Nov-13 00:06:36

I think you need to go back to your DH and explain that , while you are happy that he's re-established contact, you need to discuss the arrangements with him first. As you need the car on Tuesdays and Saturdays he'll need to either use another means of transport or change the plans.

bigbrick Sun 17-Nov-13 00:09:53

How can this be arranged when you weren't consulted? That's not an equal process

olibeansmummy Sun 17-Nov-13 00:10:18

Yadnbu about the Tuesdays, he could do any other night, but yabsortofu about the weekends as he has to pick them up at some point... Maybe he could arrange to do it after your dd's activity though. Regards holidays and weekends away, he'll just have to suck it up and sort it out with the children's mother!

WannaBeANinja Sun 17-Nov-13 00:10:48

he needs to get a second car, If not possible he needs to check transport etc to collect/return his children- take it in turns who uses the car.

he needs to sort out holidays etc with his children's mother.

Hope it gets sorted

CoffeeTea103 Sun 17-Nov-13 00:10:48

Yanbu, he should have discussed this with you and you both could have figured out arrangements that worked for everyone.

Mellowandfruitful Sun 17-Nov-13 00:11:22

As an absolute minimum, he can surely get himself there on Tuesdays on public transport, if it's just him going, while you have the car? And yes, he does need to discuss it with you.

livinginwonderland Sun 17-Nov-13 00:11:30

Talk to him. He's probably gotten a bit carried away and wants to see his kids as much as possible, and doesn't fully realise that his new plans are getting in the way of your life and plans too. Just talk to him and ask him to re-jig things a little bit.

FigRolls Sun 17-Nov-13 00:14:04

Usually weekend contact would commence after work on Fri but he's accommodating his daughter's activity by collecting them sat lunchtime instead which in turn means our daughter misses her activity. They decided on Tues because his children have activities every other night and he doesn't want them to have to miss them because of him...!

FigRolls Sun 17-Nov-13 00:16:16

His children are an hour away so public transport isn't an option. He's already agreed the contact and put it in a court order so theres no alterations to be made. We can't afford a second car.

JemR234 Sun 17-Nov-13 00:19:53

He's not being fair. Sounds like he's got caught up in the excitement of reestablishing contact and forgotten about his 'other' family. He should definitely have discussed it all with you before making any commitments. Especially ones that are legally enforceable!

Mellowandfruitful Sun 17-Nov-13 00:22:25

Well he'll have to leave earlier and finish work early on a Tuesday if needsbe then. It is an option, just one that causes more inconvenience for him.

He has done the court order without even telling you any of this? shock

FigRolls Sun 17-Nov-13 00:29:59

Their schools are an hour apart but finish at the same time so no way our car can be in use for us both. He agreed it all with exes solicitor before telling me, as opposed to discussing. He then couldn't go back on it or else ex would've said he's unreliable and letting the kids down and would've withdrawn contact again

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Nov-13 00:40:52

This sounds different to the other threads asking the same thing that I've seen on MN, he really does sound as though he's brushing off your children in favour of the two he lost contact with. (How old are they btw?)

He's definitely BU to let his DD down on the Tuesday/Saturday activities, at 6 she's going to notice what's going on, has he told her she's going to have to give up both? How did she take it? Is he not worried it might set her up for resenting the children?

Walking 2.5 miles after school on the Tuesday is just taking the piss shock Is it 2.5 or is it 5 miles if you're doing it both ways?

Yup, he's BU again in not talking it over with you, he either 'didn't think' (which I don't believe for a minute), or he thought about you and (because of feeling guilty?) the other children were a more pressing concern and your/DC feelings were irrelevant compared to them. Which is right if he's lost contact, but he has to re-establish it in a way that doesn't put your DC at a disadvantage.

Weekends away are a luxury and not a huge price to pay for him establishing contact again, the consequences of not having a weekend away aren't as serious as your DC maybe feeling like discarded toys now people who they feel are more important to their Dad have come along.

Hopefully it might calm down and be more flexible after he's had contact for a while?

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Nov-13 00:42:29

How long did he lose contact with them for?

And could he really not make his way there without the car? An hour isn't that long away is it?

FigRolls Sun 17-Nov-13 00:50:21

It's 2.5 miles each way which is going to be a nightmare with toddler in the cold and is a poor replacement for a loved activity for dd. Public transport really isn't possible for him as trains don't run that late from wherethey live. I agree it's guilt that's making him prioritise them and I agree he should feel guilty but not to the detriment of our children. Dd doesn't know about him seeing them yet or her having to give up activities yet. She's just been asked to compete in one of them and to be in a show for the other so is going to be heartbroken sad Weekends away to see my sister andnnieces are now impossible so dd will miss seeing my only family.

steff13 Sun 17-Nov-13 01:14:52

Can you sister and nieces come visit you? Can you get a taxi to take your daughter to her activities (or, conversely, can your husband get one to get the other kids)? Or, perhaps rent a car as necessary?

steff13 Sun 17-Nov-13 01:16:08

Or, could you muddle through for a few months and put money aside for a second car?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, btw, you should have discussed together what the arrangements would be.

clam Sun 17-Nov-13 01:35:51

Have you told him your thoughts on this? What has he said?

IAlwaysThought Sun 17-Nov-13 01:39:10

Can you arrange for another patent yo collect your DD on Tuesdays, you could then deliver their kid home a on another day.

IAlwaysThought Sun 17-Nov-13 01:42:55

How long is your DDs activity on Saturday? Could your DH drop you both off there and then go and collect his kids then pick you up on the way back. If your DD finishes before your DH returns then, perhaps, you could go to a cafe for a while.

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Nov-13 01:57:36

There has to be a compromise somewhere, just one of those things and you'd be entitled to be miffed at him setting it up without talking to you, but there are so many of them.

It's not even him who's making the sacrifices, he's volunteered his 6 YO to make them instead hmm (as well as sad and angry). You can get your head round it a bit, but it would infuriate me to see my DC being treated with such thoughtlessness by their Dad.

I would say she's not even at an age where she can rationalise why he's doing it, but even adults can find it difficult to come to terms with not being their parents priority.

What about taking it one slice of the problem at a time to try to find a way round at least a few of them?

What's he like if you bring the subject up? Can he see how he's letting you/DC down and how that might make you feel?

holidaysarenice Sun 17-Nov-13 04:04:47

Does ur husband do any hobbies, gym, pub, football? Cause he should be giving those up immediately. He can't ask his 6 year old too.

And the money can go towards a taxi for ur dd or towards a second car.

Can a friend take her, in return ur dh can babysit for them, say on a friday night?

Make him have to sacrifice something not your dc.

Who's car is it anyway? And definitely for the sat he can use public transport its during the day.

Cerisier Sun 17-Nov-13 04:10:47

So he has not had any contact for years with his older children and now he is giving no thought or consideration to his younger children. What an awful father. Poor children.

How come he didn't discuss any of the arrangements with you when the family only has one car? He sounds totally self absorbed. As others say, either re-do the arrangements or get another car.

kelpeed Sun 17-Nov-13 05:32:36

For Tuesadys, what about getting a bicycle? with either a trailer or toddler seat and one of those tagalong back one wheeled bikes for your daughter to ride on if she hasnt started riding yet?

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