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AIBU to be "Difficult"; and "Demanding"; Over my Brother's Wedding?

(133 Posts)
FixItUpChappie Fri 15-Nov-13 04:29:56

My one and only sibling is getting married. When he was visiting us in late summer we were out to dinner and chatted about some of his venue ideas…they were considering his fiancée’s home town, where they currently reside and were considering somewhere abroad. When he mentioned Mexico, I diplomatically said that he is the only person in the world I would consider going to Mexico for as I have a lot of safety concerns about bring the children to Mexico (not to derail the thread over debates on the merits of Mexico!). It was a light conversation over possibilities, a ribbing over me being a worrywart etc – nothing had been decided or even looked into in the slightest.

We’ve now been notified that the wedding will be in Hawaii in just over a year. My mum is totally stressed about the cost. She looked into fares and called to inform me that an 8+ hour flight to Hawaii will cost DH and I upwards of $6000 with the kids (who will be 2 and 4 years respectively) – not including hotel, food, transport etc, etc. She took it upon herself to email him that she was worried about the cost especially for my family and about the travel (she has never travelled outside North America and has some mobility issues).

He apparently immediately called her on the angry offensive advising they are giving plenty of notice, that nobody else has any problems with the plan – just us. To object is to be “difficult” and “demanding” apparently. That it wouldn’t be so expensive if I hadn’t vetoed Mexico shockhmm. He pointed out his fiancée’s sister has young children and has no issue with attending. He suggested a range of ideas for me and DH coming without the kids (not going to happen) or me going alone and basically advised that he wants expects his only sister to be there.

This is so much pressure. I think there is no way in hell we will be able to save up the required amount. Even my going alone will be a huge financial pressure. I personally have no desire to be that far from my young children either TBH. I am at the tail end of my 2nd maternity leave in 3 years….we are up to our nose hairs in debt.

I know the cardinal rule of Destinations weddings is fine as long as there is no pressure for guests to attend…but what about the burden on immediate family?! I just think it’s massively selfish. Ahh! I don’t want to miss my brother’s wedding or cause strife but seriously – this is just an incredible burden on us! AIBU to even consider not going?

madwomanintheatt1c Mon 18-Nov-13 05:14:52

<still in debt>

HoneyandRum Mon 18-Nov-13 05:35:29

When the OP said North America I don't think she was talking about the USA but the continent. Canada, the USA and Mexico are all in North America.

madwomanintheatt1c Mon 18-Nov-13 06:01:50

I'm getting $724 pp. from Calgary for Sept 14. (I realise this is all guesswork, lol) There are quite a lot of folk that head to Hawaii from these parts. Or Florida <sigh>. I get a week in Devon, natch ;-)

TheDoctrineOfWho Mon 18-Nov-13 06:39:09

Is your DH in denial about your debt, by any chance?

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Mon 18-Nov-13 07:11:22

DVD what is it about grown men acting so petulant.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Mon 18-Nov-13 07:12:47

FFS what is it about grown men acting so petulant.

ProfPlumSpeaking Mon 18-Nov-13 10:36:49

Ok, so your DB lives relatively close to you (in Canadian terms) but is planning on a wedding in Hawaii. HIBU to expect you to spend the money on that if you would struggle to find it. You need to have a heart to heart telling him how much you would like to be there and how you will help him celebrate back in Canada but that you can't afford to go to Hawaii. HWBU if he held that against you in any way. I understand your DH's point of view - if you are spending all that money then go somewhere as a family. A wedding is just a glorified party. Few people are religious these days and it simply doesn't have the cultural significance it once had. It's a shame to miss a party but, meh, it's much more of a shame to spend money you don't have on something frivolous that you are not particularly looking forward to and that your DH would resent you for doing. Make your decision and stick with it. Don't apologise, don't over explain. Just state. It will all blow over.

perfectstorm Mon 18-Nov-13 23:04:48

I think when you're a family up to your ears in debt and a holiday would cost in the multiple thousands, there's not really any such thing as cheap. Just slightly less ruinous. You'd be borrowing yet more cash you just don't have to go somewhere you'd never have chosen. It simply is not fair for your brother to put you in this position.

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