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to expect my boyfriend to make more of an effort with my kids?

(171 Posts)
Vikki88 Wed 13-Nov-13 20:33:35

My boyfriend has been living with us for 3 months now and generally it's gone well. He's a good guy, he cares about me, he works hard and I'm happy with how things are going.

However, the one thing that is bothering me is his lack of an effort to build any real relationship with my 2 kids. He seems completely disinterested in them at times and I can't help but think he sees them as a chore rather than something to be a part of his life. Don't get me wrong, he helps me out with them & he's never voiced anything negative about them to me (he knows what would happen if he ever did) but he doesn't go that extra mile.

I made a thread earlier about the behavioural problems I'm currently having with my 7 year old, both at home and at school. I'd love it for him to step up and try and play a part and help him as the 'male figure' in his life but it doesn't seem to be happening. I've raised it tentatively with him and he says the right things but rarely, if ever, acts upon them.

I feel like this is something that I shouldn't need to ask him and that he shouldn't need persuading to do - it should be automatic. I know he's not their father but that shouldn't stop him from being a father figure or male influence in their lives. I don't think I'm expecting too much am I?

DevonFolk Wed 13-Nov-13 20:36:41

Does he have children of his own?
Did you discuss this with him before he moved in?

If both your answers are 'no' then I'm afraid YABU.

Have you looked on the step families topic for advice?

saintmerryweather Wed 13-Nov-13 20:38:56

how long have you been going out with him for? i think if he doesnt have his own kids you are very unreasonable to expect him to step straight into a stepfather role

Handbagsonnhold Wed 13-Nov-13 20:39:09

Have you been together long....what was his relationship like with them prior to moving in?

YoureBeingASillyBilly Wed 13-Nov-13 20:41:29

Dump him. Hes alway going to be like this. Someone who will make an effort with dcs has it as part of their nature and it would be obvious from the start. Its not who he is, you would alway have to walk him trhough the process, you'd get resentful, he'd get resentful the dcs would get resentful and it will all end in tears.

Cut him loose now and save the heartache.

sherazade Wed 13-Nov-13 20:43:54

How do your children feel about him?
Never underestimate the instincts of a child.

Vikki88 Wed 13-Nov-13 20:45:02

No, he doesn't have children of his own but he obviously knew I had 2 kids long before he moved in. We've been together over 6 months for those who are asking... his relationship with them was minimal if I'm honest before moving in as they'd often be with their grandparents.

Surely he knows though that if he moves in with me, he moves in with my kids and with that come assumed responsibilities? Not even responsibilities, just expectations to build some kind of relationship with them? I don't feel like I'm expecting the world.

No I haven't checked the step families topic... there are so many boards on here I wasn't sure where was best to post this if I'm honest.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Wed 13-Nov-13 20:47:11

3 months together and he'd spent minimal time with your children up to that point and you thought it was a good idea to have him live with these children that hardly knew him without even finding out what his idea of his role was? Are you on the wind up?

WooWooOwl Wed 13-Nov-13 20:48:27

You've been together over 6 months and he moved in 3 months ago having had minimal contact with your dc, and you honestly expect this to be someone that has your children's best interests in the forefront of his mind?


Do your dc have their own Dad around?

CoffeeTea103 Wed 13-Nov-13 20:48:38

Yabu. 6 months of which 3 he's living with you? That's really so soon for the kids and him, as well as Having these expectations.

Vikki88 Wed 13-Nov-13 20:49:12

You'reBeingASillyBilly There is a part of my mind that thinks that way, but then he is a genuinely good man and I don't know if time will allow them to form a deeper bond than what they currently have? I just assumed he'd make more effort in the first place, and it's now eating away at me a little bit.

Sherazade Well my 7 year old's behaviour has taken a turn for the worse and I am beginning to think that moving my bf in might be something to do with it - even though he hasn't said so himself. He doesn't like my bf, but he hasn't been OTT about it either.

Vikki88 Wed 13-Nov-13 20:50:30

I should quickly point out that I've known him for far, far longer than 6 months - that's only how long we've been in a relationship for.

basgetti Wed 13-Nov-13 20:50:34

YABU. You have moved a total stranger in with your children and are worried that it isn't working out as you hoped? What did you expect?

womblesofwestminster Wed 13-Nov-13 20:50:45

6 months?? Jesus wept.

Chocolatesandicecream Wed 13-Nov-13 20:51:20

Is this a joke thread?

AngelsLieToKeepControl Wed 13-Nov-13 20:51:45

I wouldn't expect a boyfriend of 6 months to look after my goldfish let alone be any sort of role model in my childrens lives. I really hope this is a wind up.

littlemisssarcastic Wed 13-Nov-13 20:52:00

Sounds like he hasn't got to know any of you well enough to live with you yet. He may or may not be a 'child friendly' type of man, but he barely knows your DC, and certainly not well enough to be living in the same house as them.

What is it you want him to do with your DC?

It sounds to me like you and your DC are living with a virtual stranger.

Do your DC have any contact with their father?

basgetti Wed 13-Nov-13 20:52:40

The time for him to form a bond with them would be before you moved him into their home. Your poor 7 year old.

Heartbrokenmum73 Wed 13-Nov-13 20:52:57

shock I have no words.

kinkyfuckery Wed 13-Nov-13 20:53:01


valiumredhead Wed 13-Nov-13 20:53:07

Are you kidding?shock

Monetbyhimself Wed 13-Nov-13 20:53:07

You've known him for 6 months ? And he's been living with your kids for three of those months ? Please tell me I read that wrong.

DevonFolk Wed 13-Nov-13 20:53:15

I'm speechless at your unbelievable lack of consideration for anyone but yourself.

littlemisssarcastic Wed 13-Nov-13 20:53:43

And if your DS doesn't like your boyfriend, I would move the boyfriend out this week!!

Why do you think your DS doesn't like your bf?

flowery Wed 13-Nov-13 20:54:17

You moved in a boyfriend you'd only been seeing for 3 months and who'd had minimal contact with your children?

Sorry but I find that genuinely bewildering. Of course your 7yo's behaviour is related, he must be feeling incredibly confused and unsettled.

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