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to be considering finally calling it a day?

(13 Posts)
WantToFeelBetter Mon 11-Nov-13 12:01:08

Didn't know whether to put this here on in relationships so I am sorry in advance if it's wrong.

Name change for obvious reasons.

Brief history: Married 15 years, have kids together. Found out DH was having emotional affair which ended 18 months ago. He changed jobs and since then has done everything to try and put things right. BUT. His old workplace have asked him to go back up there to work for a week. It is where he met HER, but she isn't there. But it is the place where he betrayed me. He went up there last christmas too, and promised that he wouldn't go there again and that he told them he wouldn't. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago and it crops up again. I am more upset that he has broken a promise on something that is a big deal in our relationship. He hasn't been willing to compromise about it, been selfish saying that I keep him a prisoner ( I haven't stopped him doing ANYTHING which all things considered I think is pretty reasonable!) just this one thing I don't want him to do and I think he is being a bit selfish. This past year hasn't been easy. We have had a lot of added stresses including a miscarriage (unplanned pregnancy but still upsetting) and a sick child and other close family member. He said he doesn't remember even promising me sad Yes it's extra money, yadda yadda but I really don't care. That place is where he betrayed me in the first place and him going back there feels like a kick in the guts....

I just don't know what to do. It feels like the straw that broke the camels back. My mum said to get him to sign something to say that he won't go there again, but I shouldn't have to do that??

Day to day things have been ok but he is always promising things, ok, little things, like 'we will go to the cinema next week....I promise we will make X night our night and I will cook' etc...but he never does

I love him to bits, but I am fed up of just feeling constantly let down by him.

Holistictherapies Mon 11-Nov-13 12:13:17

Sorry you're feeling so sad and down.

I feel this could be better if moved to 'relationships' as aibu isn't always the most warm/helpful of threads with such sensitive topics.

Good luck

WantToFeelBetter Mon 11-Nov-13 12:20:09

ok thank you

CaptainSweatPants Mon 11-Nov-13 12:22:41

But it's for work not pleasure

& she's not there

If you trust him & really want to move on you need to leave him be IMO otherwise you'll feel bitter & resentful constantly & he'll always be treading on eggshells

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 12:23:51

I know this is being moved but didn't want to read and run. YADNBU in feeling hurt that what was clearly a massive deal to you doesn't seem to have registered with him. You don't need him to sign something, you need him to see what he has in you. You aren't a doormat, you are his wife!

YourHandInMyHand Mon 11-Nov-13 12:24:40

I agree with CaptainSweatPants. It's for his job and she's not even there! The geography of it is irrelevant.

The issue of him always letting you down over little things is sad though. sad Have you had any couple's counselling?

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 12:25:23

I would just add though that the thing about an innocent person constantly being accused is that it will make a lot of people just think fuck it and do what they are being accused of.. Trust is a 2 way street

Floralnomad Mon 11-Nov-13 12:26:31

You obviously don't trust your husband ,and that's fair enough but stopping him going places isn't the answer ( which you know really) . There are other issues here that need resolving ,have you had couples counselling ?

LEMisafucker Mon 11-Nov-13 12:30:50

What yourhandingmyhand said - the issue is yours in a way because he has made you insecure - he needs to earn that trust back because the place is not the issue, he was and so was she, he finished it, she isn't there anymore. So there is no threat there really isn't. The problem is that you don't trust him anymore (i don't know that i would eitehr if DP did this to me) so of course you are going to react badly to this. He clearly hasn't done enough in terms of earning back your trust - and whilst he has now left YOU with the issue, he caused it and he needs to put it right again.

I don't think this is the end, but it is a turning point, you need counselling i think

jacks365 Mon 11-Nov-13 12:32:23

You're focusing on the wrong thing it wasn't the locations fault that he had an ea but his. Stopping him going won't prevent him having another ea nor will going mean he will. You have issues that as a couple you are papering over and that doesn't work. Get some help to sort things properly.

WantToFeelBetter Mon 11-Nov-13 12:38:40

I haven't stopped him doing anything, going out etc. I just hoped he wouldn't drag me backwards, that place is horrid yes, but I am more upset that he has broken his promise.....

WantToFeelBetter Mon 11-Nov-13 12:40:39

we tried counselling but he would just say what i needed to hear during it but too stubborn to change after saying that he doesn't like being told what to do

Floralnomad Mon 11-Nov-13 12:41:02

If you genuinely love your husband and want the marriage to work get some professional help .

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