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To want our house guest to leave in the morning when we do?

(115 Posts)
Melbourme Sun 10-Nov-13 10:44:04

Help solve a disagreement between me and DH. DH's brother is coming to stay with us overnight one day this week - he is mainly staying with us because we live somewhere that's convenient for the airport, but there is an element of coming to see us because he lives a long way away so we only see him a few times a year so this is a handy 'kills two birds with one stone' scenario. He will also be staying with us for the night when he returns in a few weeks time.

Just for context we all get on well but aren't close (that includes DH and his brother - no falling out, just not that close). The issue is that I want him to leave in the morning when we leave for work - at around 8.30am. DH feels that this is rude and we should let him stay in the flat for the day until he needs to leave for the airport. DH's brother would do whatever we asked him to.

My practical opposition is around double locking the door - but we could solve this by giving him a set of spare keys and him dropping them through the letter box of my sister's who lives a 5 minute walk away. My main reason though is that I just feel really uncomfortable with the idea of someone being in my flat when I'm not there. The flat is very small so it's not as though he'd just be hanging out downstairs like you would in a house. Our bedroom for example is a complete mess at the moment (and no time to tidy it before he comes) and I'd hate for him to have a nose and see it! If he left with us he would be able to go to various local cafes for a few hours, or has to go into central London to get the train to the airport anyway so could find stuff to do there etc. I get that it could be inconvenient though.

This may cause issues the next time he stays as well as that time I will be working from home, but I work in our sitting room and would find it really distracting to have him around during the day - as it's a one bed flat the only other place for him to go would be the tiny kitchen.

So, AIBU in not wanting him to stay in the flat after we've left for work?

overfacebook Mon 11-Nov-13 20:39:14


Anchoress Mon 11-Nov-13 12:13:08

OP, I think you're getting a hard time. When we lived in a tiny London flat, I loathed having anyone to stay, even close friends and family. Now we live in a fairly large house in the country, I am much more at ease and really enjoy people staying, because there's plenty of living space, a spare bedroom, an extra bathroom etc etc.

I realise that I wasn't being inhospitable in London, it was just being on top of one another all the time, and the small living room being the visitors' bedroom and their luggage on the floor because there was nowhere else for it, and having to sneak past them asleep to get a glass of water or go to the loo (kitchen and bathroom both led off living room) etc etc. I think people who live in houses have no idea how small a small London flat can be!

OP, I think you would be unreasonable to kick him out when you go to work, but I think you should make it clear that when he stays again on his way back from his trip, you will be using the living room to work in, and you're sure he would rather go out than have to sit all day in silence!

MuddlingMackem Mon 11-Nov-13 12:09:24

Actually, I think YANBU.

Mainly because he's just using your place as a stopover and not staying for a few days holiday.

In his shoes I'd be asking what time you were heading out the next day expecting to leave at the same time and just spend the day at the airport if necessary. If he doesn't want to do that he should have found himself a more convenient flight time.

moldingsunbeams Mon 11-Nov-13 11:42:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 11-Nov-13 11:02:09

How messy is your room confused. Yabu

Pearlsaplenty Mon 11-Nov-13 10:48:23

Yanbu if for you know he is untrustworthy, unreliable or dishonest.

Yabu if the above does not apply. Just remind him to lock up properly and double check that everything is turned off etc as you are worried.

poopadoop Mon 11-Nov-13 10:21:52

maybe a key issue here is that you're having a disagreement with your DH. This is his brother, so I think it is more up to him than you, and so you should be more welcoming and just give him the keys.

elskovs Mon 11-Nov-13 10:10:25

It sounds like he is using you as a free hotel.

My husband is foreign and his family are always trying to come over to "visit" but really they just want to use us as a place to stay during the Olympics/football match/music concert/trip to London etc.

I find reasons why we cant because they never visited us when we lived in his home country. Not even when the kids were born. Now we live in happening Great Britain they all want to visit.

Now he is an employer one of his younger brothers is wanting a work experience placement. No chance you freeloader

Yabvvvvvvvvu. That is all.

ThePinkOcelot Sun 10-Nov-13 14:47:51

If he's coming one night this week then you can tidy it up, can't you?!


I remember when DH and I went to stay with a couple we met on holiday for the weekend. They went off to work on the Monday morning and just left us to get ourselves sorted in the morning and leave when we were ready. TBH it never entered my head to go snooping around their bedroom.

BackforGood Sun 10-Nov-13 14:40:25

Have to agree with the majority - YABU, but, to be fair, you seem to have taken that on board.

Vev Sun 10-Nov-13 14:20:43


Doesn't sound like you want him there at all. Kinder to tell him not to come. smile

PersilOrAriel Sun 10-Nov-13 13:48:57

He's your BROTHER-in-law. Therefore a man, he probably won't even notice the mess. Sorry for the sweeping generalisation but I find that men tend to notice messiness much less than women do.

And if you're that paranoid about it, then tidy it up!

mumofweeboys Sun 10-Nov-13 13:45:21

I would say this time you will have to suck it up and let him stay in the flat, anything else is just rude. Explain to him that your working from home next time that he stays and would he mind perhaps going out for the morning.

DuckToWater Sun 10-Nov-13 13:42:31

YABU. So what if he sees your messy bedroom anyway? Why doesn't he pop your key back through YOUR letter box, if it's a spare?

gamerchick Sun 10-Nov-13 13:36:24

Good excuse to tidy your bedroom if it bothers you.

Yes you have personal space issues.. I couldn't imagine kicking someone out in the cold that time of the morning to knock about for the day.

Show him how to lock the door.. let him do it in front of you so you can check if it makes you feel better.

Blu Sun 10-Nov-13 13:32:19

YABU, he is family, and it isn't much fun spending the day in London lugging a massive travelling bag. And why should it be necessary to chuck your BIL on to the street?

When he comes again and is there when you are wfh just be clear with him. Tell him nicely that his bedroom magically becomes your office on the stroke of 9am so why doesn't he set himself a day of sightseeing and you'll all see him when he comes back for a shared meal at ? o'clock.

valiumredhead Sun 10-Nov-13 13:24:30

Yabu and unwelcoming but you've probably gathered that by nowwink

Go and tidy your bedroom!grin

Maryz Sun 10-Nov-13 13:03:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz Sun 10-Nov-13 13:03:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicknameIncomplete Sun 10-Nov-13 12:46:15

I stayed for 3 days at one of my childless friends one bed flat with a small child in tow. I was given a key and left to my own devices.

Thats the way it should be with house guests. If you arent comfortable doing that i wouldnt have your bil stay at all.

AnandaTimeIn Sun 10-Nov-13 12:32:54

I can understand you feel uncomfortable with someone who may (or may not) nosy around your bedroom. You just don't know if he will.

That's the reason I have a lock on my bedroom door (live in a flat too), so that when I'm away my son can have his mates over without me stressing if they are going to go in there. I keep all my administration in there too anyway.

BettyBotter Sun 10-Nov-13 12:28:30

He's family fgs. (Unless he has a track record of theft, drug taking or violence YABU).

Picture yourself visiting relatives that you like and enjoy seeing. They tell you they don't trust you in their house alone so you will need to leave their house. How exactly would you feel?

bragmatic Sun 10-Nov-13 12:18:17

If my brother made that request of me, I'd stay in a hotel. Not to be difficult, it would just make me feel incredibly uncomfortable, knowing that he didn't trust me.

Caitlin17 Sun 10-Nov-13 12:15:04

If you don't have a letter box where is your mail delivered? Is there a set of locked mail boxes he could pop the key into?

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