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To want our house guest to leave in the morning when we do?

(115 Posts)
Melbourme Sun 10-Nov-13 10:44:04

Help solve a disagreement between me and DH. DH's brother is coming to stay with us overnight one day this week - he is mainly staying with us because we live somewhere that's convenient for the airport, but there is an element of coming to see us because he lives a long way away so we only see him a few times a year so this is a handy 'kills two birds with one stone' scenario. He will also be staying with us for the night when he returns in a few weeks time.

Just for context we all get on well but aren't close (that includes DH and his brother - no falling out, just not that close). The issue is that I want him to leave in the morning when we leave for work - at around 8.30am. DH feels that this is rude and we should let him stay in the flat for the day until he needs to leave for the airport. DH's brother would do whatever we asked him to.

My practical opposition is around double locking the door - but we could solve this by giving him a set of spare keys and him dropping them through the letter box of my sister's who lives a 5 minute walk away. My main reason though is that I just feel really uncomfortable with the idea of someone being in my flat when I'm not there. The flat is very small so it's not as though he'd just be hanging out downstairs like you would in a house. Our bedroom for example is a complete mess at the moment (and no time to tidy it before he comes) and I'd hate for him to have a nose and see it! If he left with us he would be able to go to various local cafes for a few hours, or has to go into central London to get the train to the airport anyway so could find stuff to do there etc. I get that it could be inconvenient though.

This may cause issues the next time he stays as well as that time I will be working from home, but I work in our sitting room and would find it really distracting to have him around during the day - as it's a one bed flat the only other place for him to go would be the tiny kitchen.

So, AIBU in not wanting him to stay in the flat after we've left for work?

BrianTheMole Sun 10-Nov-13 11:01:34

YABU. Sorry. Why don't you just really go for it today and clear your bedroom. Be ruthless. Chuck out things you don't need, use the clothes bank, put stuff on free cycle. You will feel much happier then, and you'll be able to leave bil with no stress.

tenementfunster Sun 10-Nov-13 11:03:02

unless you have some sort of anxiety problem which may explain things, YABU

Parsnipcake Sun 10-Nov-13 11:03:11

I think he would quite rightly judge you far more for chucking him out than for having a messy bedroom - maybe tidy it up a bit anyway because it's good for your own sanity to have a nice bedroom!

dovaffanculo Sun 10-Nov-13 11:03:24

YABU .That is such a rude and disrespectful way to treat a close family member. He will probably stay in bed until about 20 minutes before he has to get ready to leave anyway.But you want him to traipse about London with his bags instead ?

What if the positions were reversed and it was you in a strange town hanging around all day in cafes etc while your brothers flat lay empty?

Make a set of keys for him to keep until he comes back.Teach him how to lock the door when you give him the keys. Im assuming that he is an adult who is competent enough to be able to fly to distant parts all alone so surely he can lock a door and look after a key?

LowLevelWhinging Sun 10-Nov-13 11:03:38


How mean!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Sun 10-Nov-13 11:03:39

Very unreasonable I'm afraid. Just tidy your bedroom - how bad can it be? confused

BitsinTatters Sun 10-Nov-13 11:03:46

Sorry I think YABU

He's your brother in law...

He's not going to go snooping. No ones house / flat is perfect he won't expect that but if he is travelling the last thing he probably wants is to be lurking around killing time.

SpencerPercival Sun 10-Nov-13 11:04:12

What have you left there?!

Melbourme Sun 10-Nov-13 11:05:44

Seems that I am definitely being unreasonable then!

Just to cover a few questions - yes I would feel the same about a member of my own family, guess I just have issues! (I don't really like people staying in the flat in general as we're always so on top of each other and you have that awkward 'what time do we go to bed' scenario as they'll be sleeping in the sitting room). Unfortunately neither of us can take the day off as we have no holiday left and I can't work from home on that day either. I'm not sure going out to lunch together is something they would do in any case - they do get on, they just don't have a particularly close bond where they socialise together etc.

And just to explain the bedroom paranoia - my DH's comment when I said I felt uncomfortable about it was 'the worst he'll do is have a nose in the bedroom and see how messy it is'.

What I wanted to be able to say is that he needed to leave with us because of the double locking issue, and then we would be able to say the same next time when I'm working from home so we're not both sat in silence in our sitting room whilst I'm trying to concentrate and feeling bad for ignoring him.

SilverApples Sun 10-Nov-13 11:06:22

Couldn't you put yourself out for a couple of days to make your DH happy?

Maryz Sun 10-Nov-13 11:07:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tenacity Sun 10-Nov-13 11:07:33

Does family not mean anything anymore? This is the 'me me' attitude in action. hmm
Your home being untidy is a none issue. You are merely putting barriers in the way.

Melbourme Sun 10-Nov-13 11:08:07

Oh, and someone else asked about it being weird that he's coming to visit us but we're out at work - we're mainly a convenient stop over point for him but it's a bonus that we'll get to see him for dinner the night before.

DrHolmes Sun 10-Nov-13 11:09:05

I dont know why he cant lock up and post the spare keys through your own door?


And don't let your bedroom get so messy in future! :P

Melbourme Sun 10-Nov-13 11:10:08

We live in a block of flats so posting them through the front door of the block (we don't have a separate letter box) wouldn't be safe.

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps Sun 10-Nov-13 11:10:15

YABVU give the guy a break and let him watch telly in your house!! Could he not put your keys back through your own letterbox? Or keep the keys until next time?

deepfriedsage Sun 10-Nov-13 11:11:41

Get spare keys cut for guests and a lock for your bedroom.


come on, it's family

optimusic Sun 10-Nov-13 11:13:14

Instead of being on here, go and tidy the bedroom.

Surely you don't both work 7 days, 24 hours a day, so there is time to tidy.

If you simply cannot be bothered, put a lock on the bedroom door.

But no, you cannot ask him to leave. Lugging luggage around all day is not at all convenient.

cheeseandpineapple Sun 10-Nov-13 11:13:18

You seem to trust your sister but not your brother in law. Your sister could use the keys after he drops them at her place to come over and snoop at yours. Guessing though she wouldn't and you don't have a problem with her having your keys.

I'd be fucking unimpressed in your husband's shoes and bet you would never chuck your sister out if it was her coming to stay. She lives round the corner from you and sounds like you're close. Your husband doesn't live round the corner from his brother but if they did chances are they'd be closer than they are now but I don't think closeness is relevant here.

But if you say you would chuck your sister out too in the same circumstances, then you would be doubly unreasonable!

trixymalixy Sun 10-Nov-13 11:13:29


ZacharyQuack Sun 10-Nov-13 11:13:52

But next time he stays with you, double locking won't be an issue because you'll still be there.

cheeseandpineapple Sun 10-Nov-13 11:14:47

Cross posts, you seem to be saying you'd kick your sister out too, lighten up!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Sun 10-Nov-13 11:15:48

Tidy bedroom - work in there that day? Don't know how practical that is in reality - but it's just one day. It does sound like you're putting barriers in the way.

IAlwaysThought Sun 10-Nov-13 11:17:10

Sorry but it's another YABU.

Tidy the bedroom if you want but I doubt he would care or notice if he is anything like any of my relatives.

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