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To be offended at very expensive Christmas present?

(142 Posts)
Babcia Sun 10-Nov-13 00:58:50

I have just found out DH has bought me a philips lumea hair remover thingy at the cost of about £350 for Christmas when we said we were going to spend around £150 each max. I mentioned in a short conversation the other day that I was considering getting one, and I was about to buy one on Amazon this evening when he told me not to because he had already bought me the top of the range one for christmas. And now he is in a strop because he thinks I'm ungrateful but I think I've got good reasons. I'm also not really bothered about getting lots of presents- I didn't get anything apart from a joke present from my brother for my birthday and I didn't say anything so I'm not being a brat.
We are spending christmas with the outlaws, and I was interested in getting a lumea because I'm very self-conscious about my body hair, so the thought of opening this as my present on christmas morning frankly fills me with utter horror, as it will no doubt be discussed as his mum and sister will probably know what it is and what it's for.
The reason that I've ummed and ahhed about it is because I'm not sure that it will work on my skin tone, and I think it's a very expensive mistake to make if it doesn't work. It's not the first time he's done this- there have been other (expensive) things that I've discussed with him previously which he's gone away and bought without telling me- a couple of years ago after saying "I might get a food processor" one time, he spent £300 on a magimix that I'd already decided that we didn't have room for in the kitchen and that I'd never use (thankfully was able to cancel it on amazon before it dispatched), and the last time my laptop needed replacing, I asked him to just research a new one for me, and he went and bought one, took it out of the box and set it up (probably so I couldn't return it).
Anyway, am I being unreasonable to be annoyed that he's spent over twice what we agreed on something I wasn't sure I wanted or would work, and would feel like a monkey circus freak opening on christmas morning anyway? I know he's trying to be nice but he didn't seem to understand why this would be an offensive present, or why if I'm discussing buying something it's because I'M THINKING OF BUYING IT, not trying to drop hints!!

catsrus Sun 10-Nov-13 02:16:10

My exH used to do this - drove me potty, YANBU. I just wrote and then deleted a totally identifying story of me saying, casually, I liked something that we were looking at together - and he bought it for Xmas. Very expensive totally wrong for the house - he couldn't get his head around the difference between saying I liked something and wanting to own it. I like llamas and alpacas but please don't get me one, I like David Hockneys paintings but wouldnt dream of spending my retirement money on one (different story if I won the lottery ).

With my ex it was part of a very grandiose personality ("look how great I am") and he really did associate the amount of money spent on a present with its value. Like you I'd rather Have had something smaller - particularly if you had agreed a budget. In my Ex's case there was a kind on one up manship going on there too.

You agreed a budget and he didn't stick to the agreement so YANBU for being annoyed about that - and I agree that it is also a strange present to be expected to open in front of family.

AgentZigzag Sun 10-Nov-13 02:19:54

It's really odd that some years he gets you nothing confused

What on earth is that all about?

How did he break it to you that he'd not bothered?

It must have been convincing if you went to trouble of wrapping up the stuff for him to save face.

AgentZigzag Sun 10-Nov-13 02:22:16

You should have sent it back to the company NoArmani.

Binning something worth £400??

squoosh Sun 10-Nov-13 02:31:36

So he carefully makes a note of things that you say you really want. You were saving for a Lumea and he bought you a Lumea. So you've got your Lumea and you get to spend the saved money on something else entirely. How awful for you. hmm

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 10-Nov-13 02:31:57

But, presumably, because you talked about getting this item yourself - and only thought better of it later - he thought he was giving you a massive treat in splashing out on the top-of-the -range version for you.

Although it is a lot of money - which you consider a waste, as you were going to buy it on Amazon - Christmas is seen as a time of indulgence by many - precisely the time when you wouldn't count the pennies but just try and get your nearest and dearest something they would really love. And you did say to him that would like one!

I, personally, wouldn't be angry at him not buying any of the list of suggested presents you gave him. He probably thought the choice should be up to him! I think there's something a bit joyless in just telling someone what you would like and leaving nothing for the giver to do but find it in the shops. He obviously hoped to give you a lovely surprise on the big day by giving you something he thought you would love but could not afford to buy yourself.

I'm quite sure the "embarrassment" factor never occurred to him, so I wouldn't hold that against him.

However, if you''ve really changed your mind about it and don't want, I agree that you should try to exchange it - but tactfully, as you''ve ruined what he saw as his lovely, generous surprise.

squoosh Sun 10-Nov-13 02:33:25

'Binned' a Lumea? In an actual bin? You do know that you need to persist with the hair removal, it isn't an instant thing.

Babcia Sun 10-Nov-13 02:36:44

AgentZigzag I expected it- it's just what he's like. I'd picked up some other stuff while I was out shopping anyway (new clothes and some makeup) and just left the packaging on just in case. So when I was wrapping the last couple of presents on christmas eve I said quite casually "have you got me anything?" and he sort of shuffled about a bit and said "Ummm well you're quite fussy so I wasn't sure what you wanted so, ummm no". Given that I had an amazon wish list I doubt it was that difficult, but hey whatever. I'd rather that than ruinous electrical white elephants. I'm honestly not difficult to buy for. Boots 3 for 2 sanctuary gift sets and I'm a happy bunny.

Babcia Sun 10-Nov-13 02:40:31

Squoosh - only really decided to buy it after he convinced me it was a good idea- before that I'd been saying I was looking at it but it wasn't really worth it and I wasn't sure. I'll probably spend it on the boiler now, or give him back the money if he can't return it. I hate being bought.

AgentZigzag Sun 10-Nov-13 02:43:03

What is it that makes you OK (ish) with him not buying you anything, and him getting you something that's too big? (apart from the cost)

If you can accept that's how he is with nothing, can you accept that's how he is with the OTT ones?

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 10-Nov-13 02:43:30

Well, if he didn't get you a present on your birthday ( maybe because birthdays aren't considered so much of a "thing" in your household?), perhaps he was making up for it by buying you something really substantial for Christmas.

AgentZigzag Sun 10-Nov-13 02:48:41

Meant that to say 'but not with him getting you something that's too big?'

squoosh Sun 10-Nov-13 03:07:33

'I hate being bought.'

That's a bit of an odd thing to say is it not? Is there something more to this than him buying you an expensive item you hadn't fully decided on?

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 10-Nov-13 03:16:34

Mayb you should just avoid mentioning things that you are still just considering getting, so he doesn't go and buy them prematurely. That seems to have happened two or three times now. He genuinely thought you wanted them, didn't he?

On the face of it, he seems to consider what you want to be important and to be generous as well - just a bit impetuous.

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 10-Nov-13 03:17:12


Jackanory1978 Sun 10-Nov-13 05:12:30

I think you're sounding quite ungrateful to be honest. He's trying hard to surprise you & buy you something he thinks you'd really like.

Poor bloke; bet if he'd just brought you a selection box you'd be on here saying 'aibu to be upset that I only got a selection box for xmas'. He can't win either way!

Donkeyok Sun 10-Nov-13 05:22:51

Ive never had that much spent on me sad or something I really wanted.
Although I do like the chocs or candles, I get they are a bit cheap.

There is a time when a fugal gift is really only a gift tot he purchaser.

You were going to buy it anyway so he's upgraded it for you that's all.

I wouldn't be embarrassed about opening it, I'm not embarrassed when I see them in the shops.
He's got to get you another smaller present anyway since the surprise element had gone know.
Just be grateful it's a good present (I don't know about this but would probably like one myself)

trixymalixy Sun 10-Nov-13 05:23:20

YABU, he bought you something you had been thinking about buying anyway. I would be delighted if DH did that as I am always dropping massive hints, but he never gets it.

He may think that you are hinting at things, maybe you should stop discussing things you are looking at buying.

wongadotmom Sun 10-Nov-13 05:23:26


I really hate getting expensive gifts. I tell DH before every Christmas and birthday not to buy gifts for me.

Getting a gift should not be about making the giver feel good about how much they spent on you while making the receiver feel guilty and ungrateful.

I really love a genuinely thoughtful non expensive gift such as a t-shirt, booze or chocolates, etc.

gamerchick Sun 10-Nov-13 05:36:15

you don't sound as if you like your husband much.. The contempt for him is oozing out of your posts.

3bunnies Sun 10-Nov-13 06:52:59

On the one hand it is good that he got you something you might actually want/ used although I too would wobble at the price. If his family are of a type which surely he must realise then he might have considered their likely reaction - it could almost be seen as colluding with their in-jokes about you.

Dh to this day still does not see why opening a book called 'the embarrassing parents' having said that he chose it specially in front of my rather embarrassing (to the 26 yr old me) straight laced parents - would be a problem. He just thought it was funny yet they are not the sort of people to take a joke. If he had given it to me on my own it would have been funny.

If he had turned around when you said it was too much and said - you know what I will buy it as an extra treat for you out of my money because I think you need something for yourself then I don't think it would be inappropriate. Why don't you suggest that he gives it to you now so that you can use it before Christmas, turn up at the IL feeling better about yourself, then buy a few cheaper things which you need around the house for you to open at PIL - it won't seem out of place if he often forgets anyway.

ArtVandelay Sun 10-Nov-13 07:38:37

Cant you just tell him to return it and then buy you 6 professional ipl/lazer sessions? This will be cheaper and also the profi can give you help and advice on getting the best effects.

I would never buy a Lumea personally but have ipl/lazer intermittently. Its great! Unfortunately my DH is also tactless as hell and yesterday kindly suggested that i might like to get my tache done again smile

Have a look on Groupon, they often have deals for things like this.

IamGluezilla Sun 10-Nov-13 07:44:39

I understand the "hate being bought" comment. It seems that spending wildly should forgive all because the money is being spent on you.

It is so passive aggressive. It is to put you under obligation, having to choose between "See my going over budget and embarrassing you isn't a problem, I was right and you were wrong" or "you said you wanted this thing which doesn't work anyway, you're difficult and ungrateful"

Thurlow Sun 10-Nov-13 07:46:17

There was a thread last night with some woman complaining that her DP never listens when she mentions things she would quite like as a present, and so she get rubbish presents, and she hates it.

Then now there's a thread with a woman complaining that her DP listens when she mentions thing she would quite like, and buys her them as presents, and she hates it.


I feel like these two threads together might be the perfect example of why no one can win, ever.

NoArmaniNoPunani Sun 10-Nov-13 07:46:20

You do know that you need to persist with the hair removal, it isn't an instant thing

It wasn't made clear that it was unsuitable for lighter hair until after I'd bought and tried it, so for me it was useless. I passed it onto a friend who also found it to be crap.

ZillionChocolate Sun 10-Nov-13 07:50:43

YABU I think. Next year say you're think

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