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Not going out to formal events because I genuinely can't fit appropriate clothes.

(76 Posts)
FlabbyFFF Sat 09-Nov-13 17:05:10

My DH has just told me I am ruining our social life and while I agree I genuinely cannot find dresses to fit me that are suitable.
I am desperately dieting after having 4 children in quick succession but my shape is alwful and am 3 sizes up from pre -pregnancies . I reckon about size 18 -20 because of stomach and arms need covering .
I have tried shopping so many times and it all ended in tears. It is the black tie, cocktail ball type things that I am so afraid of and it is his work crowd ( I am at home ) .
He doesn't get it at all and won't help shopping wise .

SofaKing Sat 09-Nov-13 17:29:04

I feel your pain. DH invited me to a magazine party full of movers and shakers when I had been out of hospital for a month and was on steroids which made me balloon. I was a size 20 and felt very worried about it and struggled to find anything to wear.

I eventually got a beautiful dress from Roman Originals and did go and feel good, many of the movers and shakers were actually aspiring movers and therefore much less threatening.

I think your DH saying you are ruining both of your social lives is cruel and unnecessary though, I think you have to tell him how hurtful and unhelpful he is being.

ICameOnTheJitney Sat 09-Nov-13 17:29:44

OP that link from Caitlin is full of lovely things...

timidviper Sat 09-Nov-13 17:39:26

This is more about how you feel than how you look.

Try a session with a personal shopper (I have done this at Debenhams and it is worthwhile) Even if you don't buy from them it will help you see what suits you.

I remember us being invited to a 'do' when our DCs were young and I was very conscious that I was in a size 20 and much larger than the other women there. I found an outfit I loved and felt nice in (if I recall it was a black skirt and a cream lacy fitted top) and blingy jewellery to match.
Your DH needs to be more supportive. Mine told me that evening that I was the most beautiful woman there blush

FlabbyFFF Sat 09-Nov-13 17:42:12

Ladies you are right, It's more than a dress it's the of being fat ,old and mumsy too .We are also living abroad for his work and shopping for plus sizes is more than a bit limited.
I should have stocked up when in the UK in summer but thought I would be back in my old stuff by now

It's a first from my DH he generally says nothing like it . I feel quite bad for him as he married a size 12 with tons of clothes and confidence .
I look shit in the daytime too and always wear things that are really big everywhere else just to hide my tummy.

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 09-Nov-13 17:45:21

He didn't marry a "size 12" OP. He married you and sounds as though he would love to go out with you, regardless of your size.

maryannmarie Sat 09-Nov-13 17:48:41

OP, don't feel bad for your husband. I doubt you'd be giving him a hard time if it was him who'd been through 4 pregnancies.

You could google some fatshion blogs for ideas. They're great.

redexpat Sat 09-Nov-13 17:55:41

Well a lot of internet stores do overseas delivery for not very much - and returns are usually free, or just the price of postage.

Are there not dress makers where you are? Not being able to find stuff I like in my size is one of the reasons I've taken up sewing.

A top tip from the house of colour is to buy clothes in the size that you are. Not the size you were, not the size you want to be, but what actually fits. Although totally understand that you get flustered and depressed when trying on lots of things and finding nothing. Is there anyone there you could take with you?

Strumpetron Sat 09-Nov-13 17:58:45

Oh your name makes me so sad sad it's obvious you're lacking confidence and your DH is being a nob and not helping at all.

Some of the other posters have given really good advice, you can be a larger woman and dress nicely so don't give up. It's not all about clothes either, having your hair done and nice makeup on can make you feel better too.

And regardless of all that, you're still a person and deserve to be happy.

TSSDNCOP Sat 09-Nov-13 18:00:37

Where are you in the world OP. Typically there's a MNer everywhere that can help.

Come on, lets see if we can't sort you out with some nice basics.

FlabbyFFF Sat 09-Nov-13 18:10:05

Thanks for all your suggestions . I think I need to plan ahead and get a few options before the short notice invitations appear .
shopping for myself does fill me with absolute dread I always steer into the kids department.

Coupon Sat 09-Nov-13 18:14:36

Sounds like you need a couple of really fantastic dresses that you can jazz up with accessories. I'm sure the gurus in the "Style and Beauty" section here would be helpful?

Some of the online stores do international delivery, e.g.

Dress from Yours with international delivery option

Maxi Dress from Asda with international delivery option

Blue dress from Asda, with international delivery

Strumpetron Sat 09-Nov-13 18:33:53

Tis a shame you're not around my parts (area, not my bits wink ) I'd come shopping with you! Sometimes a shopping partner is all the help you need.

OP i went shopping for an awards ceremony dress last week and I cried my heart out in the dressing room because it's the first time I'd seen myself in a full length mirror, from all angles, naked, since I've piled weight on. I couldn't recognise my body. As soon as that happened, it shattered my confidence and not one dress I tried on looked nice on me (or so I thought)

I plumped for one and got loads of compliments on the night which raised my ego quite a lot!

I think you'd benefit from someone shopping with you, they'd be able to tell you what looks nice instead of you automatically writing it off because you think you look bad when secretly I bet you look lovely

Phineyj Sat 09-Nov-13 18:44:21

You might like these:

(sorry, I can't work out how to link to the Spirito 'occasion' dresses as a category).

Your DH is not very nice though! 4 DC, presumably whom you have to take shopping with you - as if shopping for formalwear wasn't stressful enough! Do you actually enjoy the black tie events, by the way?

Phineyj Sat 09-Nov-13 18:48:18

Their website says they can deliver to Europe in about a week and elsewhere by arrangement. I have found their stuff super flattering in the past, especially the ruched jersey dresses.

happyyonisleepyyoni Sat 09-Nov-13 18:51:23

You are not that big, honestly. What shops are you trying? The problem may be that you are still looking at styles that would suit your pre baby shape, but you need a complete change of style to suit your current shape. I would definitely look for styles which flatter your cleavage and can be worn with a bolero or wrap. Second the recommendation of a personal shopper .
Make sure your hair, nails and underwear (bravissimo) are the best they can be.

FlabbyFFF Sat 09-Nov-13 18:55:49

Not at all Phineyj 1) I either get really drunk to cover my anxiety
2) leave asap without DH because I am anxious and ashamed of my size.

I always try to sit down ASAP and never dance because I am wearing something maternity /uncomfortable / hideous I don't want to be seen in.

lljkk Sat 09-Nov-13 18:58:50

OP has 4 children but energy & time & money & opportunity to attend "formal" events.
(Mind boggles)

RandomMess Sat 09-Nov-13 19:01:46

Can you get anyone to look after the dc so you and dh could go shopping together, or a friend who will help you spend the time you need to really try and stuff and find what makes the best of your current shape & size.

I'm not "large" but am a few sizes larger than pre-children and never had waist even then and now it's just a wobbly mass and if I don't wear a push up bra than my tummy sticks out more than my boobs! Anyway I despise my body and upsets me and I never feel good anymore. However I have learnt to dress my current shape and know it's me who has the issue IYSWIM.

Phineyj Sat 09-Nov-13 19:02:51

Oh no I am sorry to hear that! I would hate to have to spend money and not even enjoy it sad sad

Calloh Sat 09-Nov-13 19:14:43

Right. You can do this! Absolutely!

First of all you are still you - definitely. You've had children but everything that your DH loved about you is still there. Probably very personal but when I'm feeling shit about the way I look I need more sex. I don't know I need it but that makes me feel massively better - that might be worth a try to make you feel more gorgeous.

Secondly can you order things to a friends house and have them send it out if they don't deliver to your country? I know customs can be a total pain with these things but it might be worth a try?

Caitlin's link is amazing.

Your body has given you four children and allows you to do everything you want to do - it's a fabulous body. And while you might decide you want to lose weight and consider it a work in progress you should still love yourself.

I really hope you find te killer dress

Szeli Sat 09-Nov-13 19:15:25|COLOUR:BLACK&varId=510092355614

I'm coveting this at the moment

Recently I've been wearing dresses like this|Exact%20Colour:Black&varId=580216512428

Stretchy back winner

Donkeyok Sat 09-Nov-13 19:15:36

Do try to go.

Some lovely things on Caitlins link especially in the sale.

Some red lippy, groomed hair will give you both the confidence to do something together - more adult

Don't have more than 2 alcoholic drinks.
Enjoy shopping for new things and beauty treatments.

You sound like you need to invest more time as a couple
I think its great that he wants you by his side

Goatmint Sat 09-Nov-13 19:19:08

OP are you booby?

If so, take a look at Pepperberry because their clothes are cut and sized for boobs. I am normally an 18 but am a 16 or even sometimes a 14 in their sizes, and the clothes fit me better across the back etc.

They do have dresses that flatter the tum, and by dressing for your boobs it diminishes tum as well.

Calloh Sat 09-Nov-13 19:20:52

Curvety also have good things. I felt like this (and have still not lost the weight) but I bought myself some second hand Joe Brown's clothes and other things from eBay, scrapped jeans entirely - they never fitted in every place, and bought some great bras.

Even though I am still working on getting back to how I want to look I at least feel prettier and better-dressed then before.

Go FFF (I can't say flabby - you shouldn't think of yourself like that!)

Mylovelyboy Sat 09-Nov-13 19:31:29

I dont agree with ordering stuff on line. You will be spending your life sending stuff back. And i think that can be with all sizes unless you use one particular shop and know whats right for you. Spanx is excellent. Also dont do strapless or thin straps. Cover arms and no low necks. I think covering up more is much more classy. And im sure you are that. Personal shopper at Debenhams/House of Fraser or even M&S. I think you may have lost your confidence because of dh. Feel for you I really do. When you do go shopping make sure your hair and make up are done. Makes you feel better. Wishing you all the very best. Im sure you are beautiful as you are . Take no notice of him smile

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