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To think that trapping your dp into pregnancy is shocking?

(130 Posts)
annabanana84 Sat 09-Nov-13 13:34:42

I'm having issues with dp at the moment. I'm 29, he's 43 and we've been together over 3 years. We have lived together for all of this time. I have uterine fibroids and have become very broody. I realise that because of my illness and ages of me and dp, time is against us. I've just had my coil out in the view that dp and I can start ttc but he's now retracted and decided we should save up over the course of a year or so before we start ttc. To say I'm bloody disappointed is an understatement. I've been thinking about leaving dp because I'm so desperate for a baby, but we are slowly working through this and I've accepted that I have to wait til dp is ready.

I've confided my problems with a few friends and both of their solutions really shocked me. They both suggested pricking holes into condoms. I could never do that! When I have a baby with dp, I want it to be the right time for both of us! Also, dp would never forgive me if he found out!

Inertia Fri 15-Nov-13 06:58:27

Thumbwitch makes a very important point. A man who controls his partner by dangling the possibility of children and then going back on his word will rejoice in the possibility of using a child to control you - he would mess you around in terms of money and access arrangements ; worst of all he would mess the child around.

Tulip26 Thu 14-Nov-13 07:22:22

I think even if you do trap him or it happens by accident, he'll accuse you of it anyway.

mewmeow Thu 14-Nov-13 07:19:31

Yanbu. It really wouldn't be a great start to life for anyone would it? And you would have to live with it your whole life sad
Do understand your desperation though, I suppose your mates only have your interests at heart but haven't thought it through. I'm sure you'd all end up much happier to wait until you're both ready. Good luck!

LovesBeingHereAgain Thu 14-Nov-13 05:32:08

I would love a baby and the more I think about his behaviour, the more I think what a pathetic father he'd make.

please take steps to make sure you do not get pregnant if this is now how you view him

TheRealAmandaClarke Thu 14-Nov-13 05:16:24

What Thumwitch said. Absolutely.

caruthers Thu 14-Nov-13 00:24:17

Trapping someone into being a father is vile....don't do it it's the lowest of the low.

IAlwaysThought Wed 13-Nov-13 23:52:28

Good post ThumbWitch Exactly! Why would you lumber you kids with a twatty Dad.

Thumbwitch Wed 13-Nov-13 22:55:23

One cast iron reason not to trap an unwilling bloke into having a baby - if you then split up and he decides he is going to want access, he will STILL be a massive twat, and your baby is going to be spending time alone with him. Plus, if he's that much of a controlling twat, he will then USE your child against you, again and again and again. And you can't ever get rid of him.

So - since you, OP, are with a massively controlling twat who doesn't really want children, the LAST thing you want to do is to expose a baby/child to this person as a single parent. It's NOT WORTH IT.

nameChangedRiteNow Wed 13-Nov-13 20:54:24

This happened to me except it was 6 years into my relationship when the old 'one day' changed to 'I don't want kids' for him.
I still hate him now and for a long time I wished I'd just trapped him too, everyone around me who had kids the proper way seemed to be breaking up anyway and my single parent friends where way happier than me even before my relationship had ended.
In the end I had a baby with my gay friend, I was i'm my 30's and didn't trust any man I met after that crap ex, to not mess me around and waste more of my fertile years telling me 'one day'
It's cruel to jeopardize someones chances of having the family they crave, and waste the time they could be spending meeting the father of their kids, the older you get the slimmer the pickings.
I'm not sure that what your friends are suggesting is worse than what he is doing, I would be tempted.
If you can't accept your life without children either leave him now and start looking or use him as a sperm donor. He doesn't want children EVER.

HazleNutt Wed 13-Nov-13 20:05:09

I also took a look at your other threads. Please do not have children with this man! He is a massively selfish twat who does not care about you one bit. Says he loves you? I can say that moon is made of cheese, does not make it true.

Children test even the strongest relationships and you would probably end up with a nervous breakdown with a small baby to take care of and a partner who does not lift a finger to help you or make your life any easier.

Oh and no, he does not want to have children. He won't in a year either. You are still young, get out and go find a man who does. And who actually loves you.

pinkyredrose Wed 13-Nov-13 19:14:39

He's leading you on OP. I've read some of your other threads, this guy is not right for you. You're also on the baby names forum asking opinions on various names, it seems like having a baby is your number one 'must do' thing in your life.

Are you hoping that eventually he'll want a baby with you? You should give yourself some space from him mentally and physically. Have a good think about what you want, ie. a baby or a baby with him? If he's this flaky now what kind of father do you think he'll be?

Be kind to yourself. You have plenty of time to meet someone else who wants the same things as you do in life.

mitchsta Wed 13-Nov-13 18:01:15

YANBU - one reason why the male pill should become widely available. I've heard people say they'd never trust/rely on their man to take it regularly, but I see a market for blokes who want to be in control of their contraception and 'double-up' even when their OH is using another method. Trapping your DP into pregnancy is just so wrong.

However, the saving up for a year thing will never wash with me, because that first year in a baby's life will arguably be its cheapest. Yes there are cots and prams to buy, but babies do not demand designer labels and iPads - and the childcare fees you save when your LO goes from nursery to school will be sucked up in some other way, so a 5-yo won't cost less than a 3-yo. Delaying things for a year won't have much of an impact in the grand scheme of things - your baby will drain every penny you have cost money as it becomes a child...teenager...student, etc.

Of course you shouldn't have kids until you're both ready, but "waiting a year" sounds like a bit of a cop out if you ask me. FWIW, I think you should have a serious think about what you want. If you feel like a maid now you'll feel a million times worse with a baby. Your OH sounds like a selfish prick and I'd focus on getting away from him rather than settling down with him.

HelloBoys Tue 12-Nov-13 14:37:37

Artex - I read OP's other posts too and though it sounds like her DP is an utter twat it also sounds like she is trying to fill a void by having a baby - with an unsuitable person.

with the fibroids etc she's not even sure if she CAN conceive.

But I think she can do better generally - maybe counselling would help first off re the toxic mother and so she can find a nice man who can treat her well.

ArtexMonkey Tue 12-Nov-13 13:45:47

Oh dear op. i have read your other posts. Forgive me for this, but your 'd'p sounds like an utter twat. He does no housework, won't pick you up from work, cooks you meat and fish when you are vegan and strops when you point this out... You are a lot younger than him, your mum is toxic, you say you are quite obese - has he got you convinced that you can't do any better than him? He sounds like a classic controlling arsehole of a man, i think even if he changed his mind about ttc tomorrow, having children with him would be complete insanity. I am so very sorry.

Tulip26 Tue 12-Nov-13 10:26:39

My God this sounds familiar. I had a chemical pregancy last year and my ex was screaming at me the whole time, he even made me cry on my birthday while I was pregnant. After I lost the baby, he wouldn't even give me a hug. After two months of no contact, I confronted him and he said he "didn't want me to get pregnant again."

We'd been together four years, had house, dog, etc. I knew right there and then he'd never come round to us actually having a future together, it was always "we'll talk about it in six months." I had three years of "we'll talk about marriage, kids, etc in six months." I left him and our lovely home behind. I'm still 'starting again' with a new home, new man, new life but I'm going forwards, not backwards.

Leave him, he will never come round.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 12-Nov-13 09:17:39

I was wondering. Did you have the coil removed to ttc? Or did you tell him that it needed to come out for health reasons?
Are you personally better off without it? Or was it a Mirena, there to deal with the heavy bleeding of rom the fibroids?
What I am getting at is, unless you personally want another iud, then I'd not be having that procedure repeated for his convenience IYSWIM. If condoms suit you, then use condoms.

Is it shocking to trap your DP into pregnancy? Well, I don't find it shocking tbh. But I think it's very stupid as life plans go. Not fair on him and very disadvantageous to you.

He isn't being fair either, but you know that already.

IAlwaysThought Mon 11-Nov-13 21:39:44

I think its a disgusting and immoral thing to do. I judge, big time!

TheDoctrineOfWho Mon 11-Nov-13 21:36:59

Would he have sent you off for the MAP if he did leak?

Would you have gone?

OP, how much do you need in your escape fund? Have you bought a house together or anything?

TheRealAmandaClarke Mon 11-Nov-13 21:34:55

The "checking" is not nice. Not good.

Also, if he is spending money on regular meals out and breaks away then the financial argument is unconvincing.

MickeyTheShortOne Mon 11-Nov-13 21:23:14

Don't wait ANY longer. The more you wait, the more promises he will make, and the more your heart will break into tiny pieces. You CAN manage on your own. You are 29. You have your whole life ahead of you, and there are plenty of men out there. I'm afraid I agree with FutTheShuckUp really... if you love him that much then stop trying to force him to change his mind. Then again, if he really loved you, he would be at least considering this.

As for checking you after sex, that's just plain wrong, and disgusting. He sounds like a total arsehole.

FutTheShuckUp Mon 11-Nov-13 18:34:17

OP im unsure why you keep posting about this issue when you simply will not listen.
You say you won't leave because you love him. If that's true for the love of god stop trying to force him to change his mind about children

elskovs Mon 11-Nov-13 16:40:33

Absolutely right, its disgusting.

But loads of desperate women do it. I don't know how they sleep at night.

Poor kids.

Gileswithachainsaw Mon 11-Nov-13 16:28:04

Exactly bitter

Serves no purpose but to intimidate and degrade his partner. If an accident happens he will blame her.

He doesn't want her, he just doesn't want anyone else to so he keeps throwing her these meals out and these empty words just to keep her hanging and hoping. I expect be just wants her as his maid.

ana I hope you are serious about this getting out fund I really do. This baby is not going to happen no matter how keen he seems when he finds out you have a bank account he wasn't aware of.

It really really isn't normal I promise you.

wine cake

ABitterPIL Mon 11-Nov-13 16:18:10

How would you check that? Surely most women wouldn't be exactly be dry at this point anyway?

<should not put in writing what is in her head>

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Mon 11-Nov-13 16:06:44

surely you would check the condom unless you were worried about having gone soft?

could he have concerns about erectile function?

(I agree the checking sounds weird (and wrong) but wonder if there is a simple explanation from his view).

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