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Aibu asking well telling oh to leave

(60 Posts)
tillytuck Wed 06-Nov-13 19:48:46

Me and oh have been together 14 years and have 4 kids aged 12,8,6 and 6 months.
my ds who is 12 has always been femine, he loves dance and panto. He als designs dresses and makes them. I am v proud of ds and his creative side. My oh has not alwas understood it and has made comments jn the past. My ds told me he fancied a boy in his class and it causes massive arguments. My oh has not accepted ds tells himself he will grow out of it all. Last night my ds was measuring my dd for a dress his making her and oh walks in and goes mental picking up my ds materials and throwing them away. I have kicked him out am I being reasonable.

Squiffie Wed 06-Nov-13 19:52:30

Wow, what a twat! Sorry but how can a father treat his son like that?! Poor kid! Thank god he's got a mum that loves him for who he is. You are definitely not being unreasonable!

joydivisionovengloves Wed 06-Nov-13 19:53:44

YANBU. Some of my friends have been where your son is. He will be eternally glad of your support, you sound like a great Mum

puntasticusername Wed 06-Nov-13 19:58:21

Eek. YANBU. I do feel for your OH, clearly this is a big thing for him to come to terms with and he's finding it very hard, but I think you have to put your son first on this one and look out for his needs. Your OH is an adult, your son isn't.

tillytuck Wed 06-Nov-13 19:58:46

Im so angry, we have 4 kids. Is this really it

puntasticusername Wed 06-Nov-13 20:00:22

thanks sad

Is this it? I think that's up to your OH. It depends if he can accept his son the way he is. Can only hope that fatherly love will win the day.

harticus Wed 06-Nov-13 20:02:02

YANBU. Your OH is an oaf.
Well done you for kicking his arse out.

tillytuck Wed 06-Nov-13 20:04:41

It is hard , he does love ds but just cant see past it. For example ds comes home from school black eye from being hit on his way home due to his girlyness ... he was sobbing .. all oh said was well what do you expect to happen when you dress and talk like that

Finola1step Wed 06-Nov-13 20:05:57

No one can know if this it. But you oh has to change - big time and very quick.

But what I can tell you is this. One day your son will realise what a wonderful mum you are. He probably already knows.

Objection Wed 06-Nov-13 20:09:54


You sound like an awesome Mum.

FrenchRuby Wed 06-Nov-13 20:10:04

ds comes home from school black eye from being hit on his way home due to his girlyness ... he was sobbing .. all oh said was well what do you expect to happen when you dress and talk like that

Your poor Ds sad i don't have anything constructive to say but I hope your oh comes around and accepts your Ds for who he is.

NynaevesSister Wed 06-Nov-13 20:10:10

If he would rather lose his entire family than accept his son for what he is, then he is a prize tosspot.

I hope he isn't though. I hope that once he faces cold hard reality he realises what a shit dad he is being. Have you got the contact details/websites of a few groups that might be able to help him?

Good parenting on your part and yay for your son being so sure of who he is.

puntasticusername Wed 06-Nov-13 20:13:04

Oh, your poor DS, that's horrible!

Kicking your OH out has now sent him a fairly powerful message about what you expect from him and indeed, what his son needs and doesn't need from him. I hope he comes to the right conclusions. And I hope someone will be along here soon who can offer some more useful advice, I've no experience with this sort of situation myself.

tillytuck Wed 06-Nov-13 20:16:01

I can only hope . See I couldnt give 2 hoots lol my ds didnt tell me he was gay he just dropped his crush name in a middle of a convo and i didnt even think omg lol wasnt shocked at all so I was thinking that maybe I cant understand my oh point x

BruthasTortoise Wed 06-Nov-13 20:16:51

Would your DH consider counselling of some sort? I'm nearly sure one of the LGBT organisations (whose name I can't remember right now!) runs a course for parents of gay teens. Your OH is being completely unreasonable but I think it's worth trying to save your relationship and maybe throwing him out will be the wake up call he needs.

harticus Wed 06-Nov-13 20:18:24

Your son is on the end of a homophobic attack and your OH says it is your DS's fault?
Truly disgusting.
Your OH needs educating and fast.
Have a look at Stonewall.

mineofuselessinformation Wed 06-Nov-13 20:21:24

YANBU. You have done a very important thing - showing your son you are 100% behind him.
Hopefully your oh will release how badly he's letting your son down and start to support him.

pianodoodle Wed 06-Nov-13 20:24:46


Your son needs support from both his parents and if he has been picked on at school the last thing he needs is to be picked on at home too.

I hope your OH comes to his senses. He's setting an awful example to your other children as well so it isn't just your son who would suffer around that attitude sad

CocacolaMum Wed 06-Nov-13 20:25:54

So often there are stories bandied around about Mothers choosing a partner over their child, I think you have done the right thing here and I am sure it sends a very clear message to everyone involved. I have a 12 yr old ds too and its such an odd age where I can see him trying so hard to figure out what kind of a man he will be - kudos to your ds for doing what makes him happy. That's kind of a big deal and due in no small part I am sure to you.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Wed 06-Nov-13 20:28:01

Maybe your OH sees your son's creative, feminine side as a slight on his own masculinity? I'm not justifying his behaviour or words at all, as there's no excuse imo. I hope he gets over himself and accepts your DS for who he is. On the other hand he could be a complete homophobic arsehole. Sadly, he sounds like the latter. Your poor boy, being bullied at school and at home by his own dad sad. Thank god he has you fully supporting him - you sound fab.

As a slight aside, my cousin is gay and many years ago when he first came out, his dad disowned him. That day my uncle lost his entire family - he and my aunt were already divorced but that day all of his kids turned their back on him and none of his family have seen him for 20 odd years. His own fault.

Your son sounds amazing btw. With talent like that, give it ten years and I bet he'll be a world famous designer to the stars smile.

Mylovelyboy Wed 06-Nov-13 20:29:05

YANBU bless him. Sounds a lovely lad. Some blokes are complete nob (sorry). We accept our children for who they are and what they want to be. And love them for it too. Your poor ds must of felt really hurt. He sounds like one of these cave man types that expect a 'man to be a man'. You sound like a lovely mum. I really wish you all the best and your lovely ds. smile

tillytuck Wed 06-Nov-13 20:36:58

Ahhh gosh yh my ds has me 100 percent .. had him at 15 and his been ny rock, couldnt have him any other way , im always showing his dresses of and he danced at the olympic open ceremony which his dad didnt attend . Im trying to sort the school issues out and trying next year for the brit academy. My oh has made comments about I encourage his girly side more than his boyish.
my oh is very manly and his pride sometimes gets in the way x

SoftKittyWarmKitty Wed 06-Nov-13 20:50:24

Wow, he danced at the Olympics! You must be so proud, he's clearly got talent and is going places. Maybe his dad is jealous. Hope he gets into Brit school or some other drama/dance school of his choice. Please let us know when he's going to be on TV or something!

Why has his dad done since you threw him out? Has he bothered to contact you to apologise unreservedly to you and DS ?

Reiltin Wed 06-Nov-13 20:58:02

You should give him information about any local group for families of lgbt people. That way, you're putting the ball in his court - if he wants to be part of the family, he has a group to help him understand and deal with his son. Good luck!

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Wed 06-Nov-13 21:16:07

Your boy sounds lovely

Your other half sounds like Phil Mitchell

He needs to either get past this or stay away, I'd hate to think of your son feeling like he couldn't be himself for fear of what his dad would think sad

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