aibu to tell my hv to sod off & let my baby cry?

[judgejudithjudy]

ds is 9 months old & due to a few issues (biting & wanting breast as comfort every 40 mins) ive started to bottle feed & weaning off of the breast. ds still doesnt sleep through the night & will only nap on me after a bf. hv since day one has told me not to leave him to cry himself to sleep but im at the end of my teether as want(need) to go back to work.

should i tell the hv to sod off & try leaving him to self settle? crying or not crying as can see me still bfing her to sleep at 16 & will only fall asleep on me :-\

[Varya]

HV does not have to cope with your baby 24/7. Leave him in cot for 10 mins even if crying and then check on him. Try to encourage him to sleep in cot as he will, given time, without HV's silly input. HVs are not like they used to be!

[tiredandtiredandtired]

YABU to want to leave her to cry

YANBU to want some rest and to help her settle herself. Tracy Hogs book and the no cry sleep solution might be worth a read.

[tiredandtiredandtired]

10 minutes??? Even controlled crying advocates say 1 minute at the start

[misspontypine]

Just don't tell the HV.

leaving a baby to cry seems to be something very normal, just don't enter into conversations with her regarding breastfeeding/sleep just say oh we have started givin the baby formula it was the right choice for our family or yes she's sleeping great thanks.

[Edendance]

I think you should go with your instincts on this one- he'll be fine to have a little cry every so often, self settling is a really useful skill for him to have a go at- give him a chance. Does he use a dummy?

He's not a newborn, as long as he has his needs met and he knows you are nearby he'll be fine. Your health is important too.

[HandMini]

There are a hundred shades of parenting in between leaving a baby to cry for 2 hours in a cot without comfort and allowing baby to have every minute of sleep on you attached to the boob.

You will find your own way between the 2. Don't worry too much about what HV or anyone else says. If their advice sounds good, try it, if you don't like it, ignore.

There are lots of bits and pieces you can try to make the transition to cot easier....mobile, music playing, slow retreat from the room, tummy rubbing, dummy.

Hope you get some more rest soon.

[judgejudithjudy]

i dont want to leave him to cry!!!!!!!!! my life is dictated by her naps & i need to go back to work. as soon as i put him in his cot he screams so what am i supposed to do? we have bills to pay & no nursery/childminder will take him as he needs 121 for all naps.

[raffle]

Tell your HV you no longer require her input, my HV came once when I got home with DS2, and I told her v politely not to come again, if I need her I will contact her. It's absolutely none of her business.

[YouTheCat]

I am confused

[LongTailedTit]

Your HV doesn't know what is best for your baby, just what generally best for most.

DS would only sleep on me, so daytime naps on my shoulder, nighttime cosleeping. We were both exhausted. He snacked on boob all night as it was right there, never slept deeply.
In desperation, we did CC at 7mo on HVs advice.
He moved into a cot, dropped night feeds, started sleeping deeply thru the night, and became a much happier baby all round as he wasn't exhausted.
I loathed doing CC but we were at the end of our tether, and it worked.

If you're going to try to teach her to self-settle, 10 mins is too long for the first attempts, might be worth trying the 'gradual retreat' method first too.
Good luck!

[Fraggle3112]

I could have written this then 2 weeks ago after another night of getting up every 2 hour to bf the night coz DS having been at work all day I decided to leave him just for a few mins to see what he did, literally about after about 3 Mia of crying he started just babbling then after another few mins silence, I went in and he was fast asleep cuddling his toy lion! 2 week later and he's nearly sleeping through most nights!! I would leave him for a few mins to see what he does he might surprise you!!

[Mrsb999]

We are in the process of sorting out the 'only napping on mummy' thing by putting our son (7.5 months) in his cot and leaving him to try and settle himself for 5 mins then go in, make sure he's ok 'shhh' him and repeat until asleep. First time it took him 10 mins of which he cried for about 2 mins - the rest was just him moaning! Now (as long as we've read his sleepy cues correctly) he has a little chat to himself and is asleep within 5 minutes.

I'm back at work in January and was keen to get this sorted as he be napping in a cot at nursery - seems to be going in the right direction.

I have to say though I'm not sure I would cope if he was screaming

[Dangermouse1]

As someone else said, there are plenty of in between stages from feeding a baby to sleep to just leaving them to cry. Do a google search of pick up put down / gradual retreat and other sleep training methods and pick something you feel comfortable with. Then stick to it and see it through. I found it helped to start sleep training at nap time rather than bedtime as you're not so exhausted. Good luck.

[Mylovelyboy]

Feel for you. Sounds like ds is so used to bf and also the comfort of your boobs. As you say you need to go back to work. So you need to get yourself sorted as well. I personally would cut out the bf completely. He is 9 months old now so had all the goodness of breast milk that he needs. Stick to bottle and food. You might have to be persistent. I would personally tell hv to bog off. Sounds like ds wants the comfort of the breast all the time. Have you tried a dummy. Wont be long before you get him into routine. Its hard when you have to go back to work. I had to go back when my ds was 12 weeks old as was single mum and needed the money. You need to try and get this sorted for your own sanity. Wish you well

[PrimalLass]

At that age I had to get OH to do a couple of nights, offering DD a bottle (she hated formula so refused). It meant that she still got a cuddle but no milk, so stopped waking after that.

[OvaryAction]

The no cry sleep solution is really good for people wanting to move on from their baby needing bf and co sleeping to sleep properly. You can get it here

I wouldn't personally let him cry while there are still other options, especially as you don't sound fully comfortable with the idea.

[OvaryAction]

I found this age v hard with DD WRT sleep and the book did help a little, although I didn't really stick to it as I'd started back at uni and used to be so tired I'd just go to bed with her and get up early to do work instead!

[likelytoasksillyquestions]

we have bills to pay & no nursery/childminder will take him as he needs 121 for all naps

I know this isn't the main point here but just wanted to say this bit honestly isn't worth worrying about. DS started nursery at 16mths, having only ever gone to sleep on the boob or in the sling, and they just worked it out. By the third day, he was napping for them no problem. Even v young children adapt to different caregivers.

Re: CC, I would be reluctant to do it during the prime separation anxiety age of 8-11mths (really crappy that that coincides with the end of mat leave for so many women). I would wonder if this is a time to try sleep training methods that don't involve him having to wonder where you've gone - say, gradual retreat, or DP resettling at night (if you have one - I don't, which is partly why we're still bedsharing and bfing all bloody night). But it is up to you and if you are at the end of your tether you have to do what you have to do.

[Mim78]

I think hv is also giving you her personal opinion rather than the opinion of everyone or any sort of recognised government/nhs advice. Lots of people do leave their babies for short periods in order to encourage them to start napping by themselves. As others have said there are many different options in between leaving to cry for hours and only napping on the boob. You could try at least putting him in the cot even if you start of by standing near him and patting his back or similar and then gradually reducing to putting him down and going out of the room, coming back to check at intervals. I wasn't a fan of leaving to cry, but the back patting thing worked when dh tried it.

[Mim78]

Obviously if he still sleeps on his back you can stroke his hair or similar - our dd happened to like going to sleep on her front at about that age - think that is beyond the age when they can roll over as I remember.

[ScariestFairyByFar]

Yabu to leave baby to cry for 10 minutes sounds like you have the only decent health visitor I've ever heard of! Try the no cry sleep solution or a BabyCalm sleep workshop before torturing yourself and your baby.

[cantthinkofagoodone]

Cc is amazing. Done correctly it should drastically improve your child's sleep in a week. Some children need to learn to sleep and sleep is important for their development.

If you get referred to a sleep clinic they will tell you to do cc.

[HearMyRoar]

I just wanted to say something about the going to work and nursery issues as these seem to be causing you a lot of anxiety.

I went back to work when dd was 4.5 months. She was a terrible sleeper and I can genuinely say that going back to work saved my sanity. It was so much easier and more restful at work then staying at home with dd.

As someone up thread mentioned the nursery naps will be fine. They will have him sleeping like a dream in no time leaving you shocked and wondering what sort of magic they have worked. :o

[RubyrooUK]

I agree with the previous poster about not worrying about your baby not sleeping at CM/nursery.

As the parent of one massive sleep refuser (DS1) and one baby who had only ever napped on the go (DS2), I thought neither of them would ever sleep at nursery. They both slept fine very quickly. And to add to the difficulty, neither one would take formula so DS1 had only solids from 9mo during the day (bf at night) and DS2 has a little expressed milk since he started at 6mo. I work full time and make non-compliant babies.

What I am saying is: babies are annoyingly adaptable and can surprise you. DS1 would never nap for me without a fight; he napped at nursery with no issues. So this doesn't mean you can't return to work, honestly.

[CinnamonPorridge]

CC messed my daughters sleep up drastically.
She only needed help going to sleep and I thought she would learn to settle on her own at 11 months and used CC (2 min, then go back in, etc)

She started waking up in the night and did so for 3 weeks, several times a night, whereas she had slept through from 6 weeks (with the help to go to sleep).

Wouldn't touch cc with a barge pole now and haven't done it for ds and dd2.

Your health visitor sounds good. Listen to her.