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to feel hurt that my Dparents don't want to see my DCS (or me!) at Christmas.

(58 Posts)
SeeYouNT Wed 06-Nov-13 09:50:26

since dbro and i were tiny, my parents have stayed at my aunt and uncles house in the cotswolds for the whole festive period (ie 23rd dec to 2nd january). they live 120 miles away from our (and my parents) home town. we always went with them as children of course and before dcs i would drive up on my own for 2 or 3 days so as to still see my family.

however since having DCs christmas has become difficult. we have other family we need to see, such as my ILs, and also my elder DC is from another relationship so he needs to see his dad and his dads family etc. plus DH doesn't get a massive amount of time off work.

so the last few years, JUST to see my parents and so they can see my DCS, we have driven up to the cotswolds boxing day morning, and stayed at a hotel (as no room at aunts house for us all), then come back on the 27th. it costs a couple of hundred quid ie petrol, the hotel, and also they all like to go for a meal. we are not poor but we can;t afford this extra expense really. we went last year but was very tiring for us and the DCs as well as expensive and we decided we probably couldn't carry on doing it

so earlier this year my parents mentioned they would maybe stay at home until boxing day so they can see us and the DCs then going to the cotwolds for the rest of the christmas period

well the other day we had the "christmas conversation" with dparents. and we said we are definitely not coming, for the reasons above plus i will be 21 weeks pg by then. and lo and behold, DM announced that they would be going away from the 23rd dec to 2nd january as per sad

obvs its up to them what they do, they are adults and so am i, but it makes me sad that they just seem completely not arsed about seeing not just me, but their OWN GRANDCHILDREN at christmas sad and next year they will have 3 DGC they will be missing out on.

sorry its long but AIBU? or are my dparents?

SeeYouNT Thu 07-Nov-13 09:42:13

yes we did diddl

and when they said it, we were talking about all going for a christmas day meal, but seems it has all been forgotten about my my parents

yes we could all stay at home (ie me dh and dcs) but i think it might be weird, as never done it before ever, think i would rather visit MIL than be stuck in all day lol confused

i wish we had some spare cash to just book a holiday in the sun and forget its even christmas sad

girlywhirly Thu 07-Nov-13 10:23:48

SeeYouNT, why not say to DH, we will not be going to either set of parents on Christmas day? Start your own traditions. Why should you have to fit in with anyone's parents? I was at a Christmas party where a woman confided that she had never in her life cooked a Christmas lunch. She was 50! I was really shocked, I've cooked them since I was 28 (although not every year.)

One day when your parents are too infirm/unable to drive/Aunt and Uncle no longer able to host they will be hoping you will entertain them. But they will then have to fit in with your family's traditions and preferences, and the tables will be turned.

Phone them on the day if you're missing them, but don't let this spoil Christmas for the DC. I admit if you've always spent Christmas with others it may seem strange, but it isn't essential to make a good day. Many mumsnetters have found the day on their own a revelation, and wondered why on earth they hadn't done it sooner.

2rebecca Thu 07-Nov-13 11:15:25

You could invite people to drop in during the day, or go for a walk, cook the xmas meal of your choice, spend an enjoyable day playing with the kids and drinking wine of your choice. My favourite xmases as a child were spent at home. You could invite the neighbours round for midmorning drinks if you're worried you'll get lonely.

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 07-Nov-13 11:31:11

I think it's nice that your parents step back from your family Christmas, and don't dictate what you should be doing around their needs and wishes.

Why can't you conceive of having a private family Christmas with just your DH and DC's op? You are heads of your own household now, not your parents or 'ILs.

Time to start setting up your own traditions. Lots of ideas for this on the Christmas threads.

I used to have Christmas in the Cotwolds pre-DH and DS. It was bliss.

My grandparents didn't drive and as they had several grandchildren living in several towns it was impossible for them to see us Christmas day. Until I was eight we had New Years celebrations with them. We'd go to the pantomime, we'd exchange a couple of presents for each person, have the turkey dinner, the crackers, the pudding and sauce, eat the chocolate decs from the tree. Then we'd sleepover and wake to stockings the next morning. It was brilliant!

I have wonderful, wonderful memories of this extended Christmas. I know that my gps weren't with us Christmas day, but we'd phone them and chat, all the time knowing that a great treat was still to come.

My dc don't see their gps on Christmas day as it just isn't practicable, but we set aside a special day to spend with each of them over the Christmas period, each with their own traditions, and the dc and the gps look forward to it.

YANBU to feel hurt, but this way you get to do your Christmas your way and begin your own traditions. Let your parents have a little holiday and make plans to celebrate when they get back.

HolgerDanske Thu 07-Nov-13 17:40:39

I love having Christmas at home with just me and my partner and my girls. It's lovely and cosy and everything just happens when it happens, there's no pressure to be here there or everywhere on someone else's schedule. I honestly think you would love it. Yes, it'll be different, and maybe the first year it'll feel weird, but as the years go by you start to find your own traditions and little cosy things. It's actually really lovely to just be able to chill and relax.

Mim78 Thu 07-Nov-13 17:45:48

I'm afraid I'm in the opposite problem camp!

Can you look at it a different way and think it's nice that you are free to do what you want with DH and children, plus meeting the needs of DC from earlier relationship, without having to worry about the needs/wants of your parents?

If they get to see the children at other times, it doesn't really matter if they are seeing them at Christmas.

Just think about what you would like to do and put your mind to enjoying that.

Viviennemary Thu 07-Nov-13 17:53:00

I agree with all these expectations causing trouble. I don't think your parents sound unreasonable. Much worse is arguments about who sees who Christmas day and Boxing day and so on and how many hours spent with each. This causes endless trouble for people trying to please everyone. And then alternate years we do this that or the other. It's an endless fuss about nothing. IMHO.

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