Parents that have split

[Katiekitkat321]

Hi my daughter is 2 and a half years old, her father and I split when she was a year and a half old and moved to Germany! We split because he stole money from my account and could not control his canabis habit which he was lying about and smoking while I was working 5 evenings a week ( which Is why I believe he stole the money from my account ) he also missed two rent payments leaving me with £450 debt when he left! When we did split up he disappeared for two weeks and didn't go to work and then decided to move to Germany with his mum for a while! He has been there a year and is due to return at the end of this month! He has seen his child once this year on her birthday in which he turned up hungover and late! As he is coming back he has asked to take our daughter to his grandparents house ( a 5 hour drive away) for 4 day to which I have said no! I have explained that as he will need to rebuild his relationship with his child before he takes her away as the only contact the have had is face time! He needs to put effort into bonding with her first before taking her away ! He responded to this by writing a public status on Facebook saying I was using his child as a weapon and that he has the right to have his child for 6 months of the year because he pays maintenance! He has paid 4 instalments of maintenance which is £80 a month this year. I think he feels that he pays maintenance for the right to see her however as we know it's for our child's welfare! Any ways am I being reasonable in saying he is welcome too see her when he likes but needs to bond with her before taking her away? Thanks in advance

[Katiekitkat321]

Excuse the mistakes! I did not proof read this before posting!!

[BuzzardBirdsBigBangers]

No, YANBU.

[Katiekitkat321]

Thank you

[CecilyP]

He sounds like a complete idiot. Paying the princely sum of £320 does not give him the right to have his child for 6 months, or any time at all for that matter. How much does he think maintaining a child actually costs? (It hasn't even covered the rent arrears he left you with). He seems to be regarding your DD is something of a commodity - a commodity bought extremely cheaply.

Of course you have your child's interests at heart. He and his grandparents are vitual strangers to your DD so it would be distressing for her for them to take her away for 4 days. (I thought twice about going away for the weekend and leaving DS with DH when DS was that age, and we all lived together!) If he does not understand this he is obviously clueless about small children.

[Katiekitkat321]

I would never deny him access because every child has a right to know their parent !

His mum has also got involved saying I am unfair and as bad as him ( how she can think that I do not know!) she also said, I quote " I hope you can live with yourself when M is older and asks questions about her family" I had to again remind her that I have been where I am for a year and no one has bothered to come see her! And I have always welcomed all of them to come visit her at mine!

I can not understand how they can not see how disturbing it would be for them to just come take her away! I also do not understand why they feel they have to be so nasty towards me when I have doing every thing I can this year with no help from them to raise our child!

[CecilyP]

His mum sounds as bad as he is, so we can see where he gets it from. What an absolute bitch! As you say, they know where you are and have made no effort to see your DD in the last year. They cannot just come and demand to be able to have her for 4 days.

You don't have to understand why they are so unreasonable and mean or why they have so little empathy. Just accept that they are and that you are the sensible and normal one in your DD's life.

[Katiekitkat321]

Thank you for your reply, I will try my best not too let it bother me! I'm glad other people can see where I am coming from x

[Mollydoggerson]

He needs to understand that whatever agreements the parents come to regarding access and maintenance should be in the child's best interest.

She should be given priority in every decision that is made. It would do him good to speak to someone who works in this area, in order to put him straight.

Please ignore his facebook status's they merely indicate his immaturity and the fact that he is using his child as a pawn and as a attention seeking stunt.

Best to try not to argue with him, but instead steer him in the right direction - a family support centre, or could you get him literature with advice on the best methods of co-parenting. The primary focus should be on maintaining your child's sense of routine and security with a gradual rebuilding of his relationship with the child. He was the one who chose to abandon her, he needs to take responsibility for his choices and needs to focus on her well being.

[pianodoodle]

YANBU at all you've said he's welcome to come and see her.

If she doesn't know him well it doesn't really matter that he's her father it's in her best interests (and his) to get to know him before he takes her anywhere for extended periods.

I think he should respect that you want to feel relaxed and comfortable with whoever is taking your daughter.

[grumpydwarf]

Just wanted to say YADNBU!! I have a 2 yr old DS. His dad sees him once a month (his choice). His parents are similar to your ex's mum and believe that I am "stopping" him seeing his child because I want to know with some advance warning when he wants to see him and occasionally have plans when he lets me know too late. XH and his parents also believe that they are completely responsible for how wonderful my son is even though they only see him once a month.

They wanted to take him abroad in September for three weeks and when I said no he is too young, its too far and he has never been apart from me for longer than two days they told everyone that I was evil and stopped them seeing him. In actual fact XH refused to change any plans for the weekends prior to his holiday and for the weekend afterwards and so in all did not see my DS for two months.

Like you I cope alone and every day raise my child as best I can. This makes me a parent. Anyone that can bugger off and not be in their child's life is an arsehole of the biggest order!

Only you know your child. Personally my son would probably cope for 4 days with someone he knew well but like you say your DD doesn't know your XP or his parents from adam!

Agree with others ignore his attempts to gain sympathy on Facebook (much as I know how frustrating it is to be labelled the bitch who stops access!!) and simply carry on. You have made your offer to get to know your child and its up to your X now to do that.

[Snowflakepie]

YANBU! You are completely right about your DD, about maintenance and about how you conduct your life. He is an arse. Sounds like his family is too. So sorry you have to suffer this.

Stick to the broken record and don't lower yourself to their petty level. Keep saying they are welcome to visit and always have been. Try not to say anything in front of your DD that might seem negative, even if you think it. It will get repeated and make you look bad. You have to be the bigger person here. Ignore fb or delete him if he carries on like that. If he would notice and be stroppy, just hide his posts from your feed.

Any court would consider the child and not his interests. Money matters not. I hope it would never come to that but they won't do anything so stupid as 6 months in completely different settings. Stay strong, stay reasonable, love your DD. good luck x