and 'failing to accommodate step childrens needs'?

[FigRolls]

Dh has 7 year old twins whom he has just re-established contact with. We have a just turned 6 and one year old. He hasn't had contact for 18 months due to his ex moving and being obstructive but he also hadn't done enough to reinstate it in my opinion. In the past year we've had several weekends away and two week long holidays. Now he's seeing his kids again he wants dd to miss school for holidays so he can see his kids at weekends/in holidays. He also expects that the three of us will travel to his childrens home town which is an hour away for contact. However, he returns them at 6 pm meaning our children are likely to fall asleep on the return journey. I'm all for him having contact but feel his expectations are unfair on our children. Aibu?

[NorthernLurker]

So you want him to have contact but only if it doesn't disturb your life? You can't have it both ways I'm afraid. This is a challenging situation and it is going to mess up everybody's day to day life to some extent in order that these children have the relationship they need with their parent and siblings. YABU

[TheWickedWitchOfTheWest]

Why do you all have to travel to their hometown? Why can't he just pick them up and bring them back your house? Do they sleep over? And surely you can rearrange holidays so that you can all go on holiday together in the school holidays and include the stepchildren?

[breatheslowly]

I don't think it is reasonable for your DD to miss school for holidays. There must be an alternative. But falling asleep in the car isn't the end of the world.

[FigRolls]

Northern - he can see them as much as he likes. He's saying we must go as a family unit at all times which I don't think is practical for our children. He says he can'taafford to pay for Dsc to come on holiday so it should be in term time so he has a reason they aren't included. Wicked - they would come to us on the Sat but he wants us to go back on the sun with them, via his parents for lunch.

[FigRolls]

Breathe - toddler falling asleep in the car at that time of night would mean she'd be up til 11pm so it is a problem unfortunately

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Why does all this have to involve you?

He's their parent he shouldn't require you to hold his hand.

[FigRolls]

Thank you sock! Thats how I feel. I understand the children need a sibling relationship and we all need family time but he should be able to go and take them for tea etc without dragging our two all the way there too imo.

[stealthsquiggle]

The holiday thing is not nice. Why not adjust holiday destination so that you can include DSCs? It will are them about 2 seconds to see through his excuse - if it's OK for DD to miss school, why not them (in their minds)?

[JustAnotherFucker]

He's obviously feeling guilty, and with good reason it seems.

Still should be up to him to put it all right though and changing holiday plans to not include the dts will only make it all worse imo.

[ihearsounds]

So he can afford fines for the child that lives with you, but cannot afford to take all his children on holiday. It's either all or none.

Sounds more like he is just looking for excuses to not see his children at all. He should realy be jumping over hurdles to his all his children, instead he is constantly putting ridiculous obstacles in the way.

[FigRolls]

Stealth - because they know their mum wouldn't allow them to miss school so he gets to pass the blame. I don't think me having the option of dd missing school or not having a holiday is fair - I would just take our twowwithout him happily but he'd insist on coming then his dts miss out.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

It's a fact of life that half siblings who live in different houses some of the time will have different things happening in each house.

Sometimes this will involve holidays with one parent but not the other and some times the half siblings will not be involved equally as such they will have treats and occasions that the other children don't have.

Its pretty piss poor if your children together can have no treats or special occasions without the other children ever because its not as if they won't also be getting treats days out holidays ect with their other parent in their other house. Stuff like that is what leads to some children always getting twice as much as resident children all in the name of fairness.

Why can't you split it so you all go half the time but just him the other half,its a win win because they also get their dads sole attention as well as family time.

I would be furious if my children dad only had a relationship with his kids that was dependant on any new family always being around and they didnt get any time with him.

[Jinsei]

Yanbu about the term time holidays. You say that you have had several weekends away and two week long holidays during the last year, so affording it isn't the issue - why not just go for one week long holiday outside term time, including the twins and your DC?

Yabu about the car journey - he wants his children to have a relationship with their siblings and I think you should support that. The kids falling asleep in the car is a crap excuse for avoiding contact IMO. However, I was never slave to a routine with mine, and couldn't have lived like that if I tried. Ultimately, you'd find a way of making it work if you really wanted to, but perhaps you don't?

[SolidGoldBrass]

GOod luck in five years' time when he's binned you and your DC for a new woman, had some more kids with her and is busy coming up with more plans that involve all three mothers jumping through hoops...

[MadonnaKebab]

You should accommodate your step children's needs
But not necessarily your DH's wants
Especially when the wants are purely to let him pass blame onto his ex
Not for the benefit of the DSCs at all

[bochead]

Daddy needs to put his big boy pants on sharpish and man up.


Not sure at all why your daughters education should be expected to suffer?

Missing the odd day cos a half- sibling has been rushed to hospital with appendicitis is acceptable, making it a regular part of her upbringing is not only morally wrong, it may eventually get you into all sorts of trouble with the authorities.

Holidays- not sure what's wrong with camping? A holiday cottage costs the same to rent whether 8 people kip there or just 2. Butlins can be cheap if you collect newspaper tokens at the right time of year for a few weeks.

He just needs to adjust his vacation expectations from 5 star at the Taj Mahal to Bognor Regis to take into account the Kids HE CHOSE TO HAVE! Not many families with four kids manage long haul flights & disney world iykwim.

Not sure either why your kids have to be dragged here there and everywhere, each and every time he visits the twins. Yes, as siblings they need the opportunity to form a relationship, but lets face it the one year old is hardly ready to discuss the intricacies of pokemon just yet.

The 6 year old being closer in age should be included whenever it's sensible methinks, within reason - if the drive back means she's not in her bed till midnight on a school night for example his plans need adjusting. He needs to understand that sometimes the kids who don't have access to him living in their home daily may NEED a little individual emotional support from their Dad away from your 6 year old if they aren't to get jealous. This probably be will more of an issue once the hormones of adolescence kick in, but even at 6 & 7 they can get bullied at school, be scared of giving a talk to their class etc.

He also can't play the together card as a way of YOU winding up doing the bulk of the real childcare (snotty noses, feeding etc ya know the boring bits) when his twins are around. They are his kids not yours and they have a Mum they love very much, he is the parent and needs to give them proper attention. (Not saying you aren't and shouldn't be supportive, just that from what I've seen of life, kind dumped upon step Mums are being set up to fail through no fault of their own iywim).

Seriously unimpressed, he comes across as bone idle. In your shoes I'd be squirreling away a little secret savings account of my own. if he can neglect his first born kids, you have NO guarantee your own won't be in a similar position one day.

[lunar1]

You are not failing anyone, your dh is though. He can afford for his new family to go in holiday but not his discarded first children. People like him are a disgrace to all parents.

[madwomanintheatt1c]

They only live an hour away.

It's not rocket science, is it? He picks them up on his own on Friday night and brings them home to your house. They spend the weekend with you and yours, then you all schlep to grandmas for Sunday lunch. You and your two go home, he drives the twins back to their mums on Sunday night.

You both amend your holiday expectations so that you get one week away with all the children wherever you can, and a week at your house with all of the children (most families on this situation get two weeks?). If you can afford it, you can fit in another weekend trip or two, with or without the twins.

No one gets to miss school. For a start, school won't let you randomly take holidays in term time just so that he can do what he wants at weekends (!) and also, what sort of message does that give dd about the importance of her education?

I know plenty of families who schlep kids around for weekends - I know none at all who take school day holidays and make the entire blended family drive around the countryside for hours to facilitate. In some of these scenarios, the new wife drives her step kids home to their mums 50% of the time! leaving their dad to bath their new siblings and put them in bed.

Oh, and invite grandma to your place for Sunday lunch periodically - that'll cut out another reason to put everyone in the car once or twice a month!

[headoverheels]

It's definitely not OK for your DD to miss school for this reason.

[fairylightsintheautumn]

as far as sleeping in the car goes, get them into their PJs before you leave, leave later than you would have, say 7 instead of 6 and just transfer them to bed when you get back. There are ways around these things. Arrangements for holidays etc surely should be on a year by year basis, not ALWAYS one way, sometimes everyone, sometimes not as circumstances allow.

[IrisWildthyme]

YANBU at all. Your DD should certainly not miss school for the sake of her father's convenience that is a terrible idea, and as previous posters have said it will be perfectly possible to find a holiday that 2 adults and 4 children can share in school holiday time for the same price as you would have paid for going with a smaller number of children if you just choose a step or two less luxurious/exotic.

For weekend visits, it doesn't have to be the same every time. No solution will be perfect for everyone so you work out a number of possible structures and rotate between them each time. You can deal with the consequences of toddler-falling-asleep-in-the-car just once every 3 weeks, he can cope with the unwelcome extra driving of having to do the round trip twice to collect and return the twins once every 3 weeks (which he can do while you and your DCs stay at home) etc...

[BrickorCleat]

Surely the twins are going to want some time alone with their brand new (to them) dad as well as getting to know their new family.

How do your own DC feel about this doubling of their numbers?

You need to be very honest and respectful if both your wishes but don't let it fester.

Good luck, very tricky situation.

[SatinSandals]

I would listen to madwomanintheattic, who appears to be very sane and sensible on the topic!