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To think that FIL should be able to get over the issues he has with me?

(25 Posts)
misspontypine Sun 03-Nov-13 18:57:28

FIL doesn't like me, it started when ds was born and me and MIL had disagreements about aspects of my parenting style everything MIL was very offended that we didn't take her advice. My parenting style is very different to hers, she has 10 grown up grandchildren by her daughters and they all seem to have parented the same and asked MIL for lots of advice.

The advice included things like don't let him stand (with support) as it would give him bowed legs. Don't use cloth nappies his bum will rot away because he has red hair. Support his head/neck at 4 months (he could hold his head up from birth and sat unaided at 4.5 months, there was no need to support his head.) Baby led weaning is my attempt to kill her precious grandson, he shouldn't be allowed to eat solids until he is 2. If I don't give him a dummy he will become obese and never learn to walk. Me drinking a small glass of wine and then breastfeeding is utterly disgusting but her smoking around ds is fine. She wanted to sleep with ds in her bed when he was 6 weeks old. Him catching rs visrus and being in hospital for a week when he was a month old was my fault because I took him on the bus.

Sorry for the slight rant there.

Me and DP decided we would just ignore MIL's advice as if we disagreed or tried to explain why we did things the way we do she would get very angry.

MIL became very angry and upset that we ignored her advice. DP told her gently that we would prefere it is she didn't give advice if she was going to become upset if we didn't take her advice. I am the one in the wrong even though it is both me and DP who make the decisions together because her daughters listened to her advice and if I wasn't around there would be no ds to argue about she could tell DP exactly how to bring up DS.

Things are fine between me and MIL now, she doesn't give us unsolicited advice, we make sure to ask her advice when we know she will have sensible ideas (like asking her what sort of shoes ds should have in the winter.) MIL wants a relationship with DS and I want DS to have a relationship with her, we are wise enough to realise that we need to be friendly to each other for his sake.

FIL is still very angry with me for upsetting his wife. He tells me off if I touch DS when he is sleeping (to check he isn't too hot/cold) he isn't friendly, he picks on everything I say and replies negatively. FIL has told DP that he must do something about me because I am upsetting MIL.

The really stupid thing is that 8 years ago FIL was convicted of rape and sent to prison for 3 years. He was convicted of having consential sex with an 18 year old but he was her teacher so it was classed as rape (we are not in the UK I don't know how the laws compare) FIL admits to kissing the girl but denies having sex with her. MIL was obviously deverstated. The entire family just ignore what has happened and FIL has been compleatly forgiven for taking advantage of his position of trust/reponsibility and also being unfaithful to MIL.

I feel like if everyone has forgotten his hugely bad act then he should be able to get over his bad feelings for me.

phantomnamechanger Sun 03-Nov-13 18:59:08

Don't use cloth nappies his bum will rot away because he has red hair.

sorry, I'll be back when I've stopped laughing at that bit!!!

SuburbanRhonda Sun 03-Nov-13 19:02:49

I do sympathise, OP, but what exactly was the point in bringing up your FIL's conviction? Not that I'm condoning what he did, but he has served his sentence, so it has no relevance to how he's treating you now.

Having said that, he is BU, so maybe you should ask DH to step again to explain how things are now with your MIL and how FIL needs to get over it, as clearly MIL has?

BatPenguin Sun 03-Nov-13 19:02:55

I don't think you can reason with people who believe such absolute shite. No solids until he's 2????!!

phantomnamechanger Sun 03-Nov-13 19:03:37

crikey, sorry for the initial laughter, they both sound awful, and I would not blame you for wanting no more to do with them. They sound the sort who are used to getting their own way (and that is not a reference to the rape, just in general) and are not used to people standing up to them. some of their "advice" is ludicrous, other bits downright dangerous. If they want a relationship with you all they need to mend their ways - let YOU parent YOUR child YOUR way - if not, and theres a big fall out it's THEIR loss.

good luck!

SolitudeSometimesIs Sun 03-Nov-13 19:04:23

Your FIL sounds like an arsehole. Can't you just avoid him. What does your DP say when his Dad is being negative towards you?

Your MIL also sounds a bit batshit crazy but at least she's willing to keep her advice to herself so that she can see her Grandchild.

NoArmaniNoPunani Sun 03-Nov-13 19:05:18

I wouldn't want to hang out with a rapist regardless of whether he has served his sentence.

VeryStressedMum Sun 03-Nov-13 19:06:28

Why do you see him if he treats you this way?

misspontypine Sun 03-Nov-13 19:06:37

The point about his conviction is that he hurt MIL so much more because of his selfish actions that I did by ignoring her advice but the family have compleatly forgiven him.

I would expect someone who has been blessed with such a forgiving wife and family to show some forgiveness himself.

notanyanymore Sun 03-Nov-13 19:06:38

suburban she's covered why she feels its relevant in the last sentence of her op.

gemmal88 Sun 03-Nov-13 19:06:46

Perhaps he feels that he has a lot to make up to his wife after what he did so feels he needs to fight her corner even though there is nothing to fight? He's got a bit of a cheek accusing you of upsetting his wife with that in the closet!

He is being unreasonable though, I'd ask him straight what his problem is.

Squidwardtenticles Sun 03-Nov-13 19:08:06

If i was you i would take no notice at all. I would just smile and wave.

VeryStressedMum Sun 03-Nov-13 19:09:27 it's ok for him to upset his wife by being unfaithful and getting convicted of rape, but not ok for you to upset her by not taking a bit of baby advice...he sounds like a charm.

misspontypine Sun 03-Nov-13 19:09:42

*Don't use cloth nappies his bum will rot away because he has red hair.

sorry, I'll be back when I've stopped laughing at that bit!!!*

They said this whilst I was pregnant with ds, neither me or my dp have red hair they were just convinced ds would have red hair.

CombineBananaFister Sun 03-Nov-13 19:10:37

If you and MIL now have a reasonable relationship then I don't see what his problem is. Ignore him or tell that his wife appears fine and doesn't need him to bicker with you on her behalf.
Tbh, it may be because he's behaved so appallingly that he's he's pulling you down now to show her how much he's on her side (in some twisted-ass-trying-to-defend-her-and-earn-brownie-points-kind-of-way). Shame she seems pat it and he's got it wrong again.
YANBU, he sounds like a dickhead. If he carries on I'd say something politely(or not so) to him
Her advice was awesome though grin

Quoteunquote Sun 03-Nov-13 19:11:05

I think you should stop caring what FiL thinks, his option is totally irrelevant give that his judgement is way out on what is and isn't acceptable behaviour.

He propbably senses you see straight through him.

Ignore his input, and if he carries on being hostel towards you, don't have contact,

Do not allow him to disrespectful towards you in anyway, you are being used as a scapegoat for family tensions. Withdraw every time any of them feel they can behave in this way.

CombineBananaFister Sun 03-Nov-13 19:12:37

aaghh sorry x-post with Gemma88, sorry blush. God, I'm a slow typer, no-one had answered when I started it

eggsandwich Sun 03-Nov-13 19:14:23

Fil seem's a bit of a bully, I'd say to him that you did'nt worry about upsetting your wife when you abused your position as a teacher so shut the fuck up!

Frostedloop Sun 03-Nov-13 19:14:56

Sound like your FIL is pushing his martial issues onto you by being over the top in the defence of a wife he betrayed.

I would tell him straight to sort his shit out, shocked your dp has not done this. I love my dad but if he gave my wife shut he'd get the riot act.

LittleBairn Sun 03-Nov-13 19:15:07

I'm sorry but I'm PMSL at the comment about red hair and cloth nappies no wonder you didn't take her advice she sounds nuts.

Personally I would tell your FIL he is no longer welcome around you and your son until her can adjust his attitude accordingly.
What sort of example is it showing your son to allow him to treat you in this way, that its ok for men to he snappy, rude and disrespectful to woman.

LunaticFringe Sun 03-Nov-13 19:16:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ajandjjmum Sun 03-Nov-13 19:17:16

Next time he's moody because you upset MIL, just say 'we all do things that upset others from time to time - yourself included - but most of the time other members of the family just have to get over it. I suggest we do the same'.

misspontypine Sun 03-Nov-13 19:23:16

I think that it is hard to bring up a specific event that would be worthy of a chat, it is more like a general dislike. I will ask my dp to mention it as actually FIL is making it harder to spend time with them rather than solving problems.

The whole lot of them really are bonkers.

FunnyFadge Sun 03-Nov-13 19:27:47

I would confront him head on because I hate it when people don't tell me things to my face. If you don't feel like you could do that then just disengage - take a giant step back and get tough (brush it off).

Your FIL should be able to get over his issues.

JohnSnowsTie Sun 03-Nov-13 20:07:51

Think Frosted hit the nail on the head.

FIL sounds like a charmer. hmm

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