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To hate these vile women?!

(100 Posts)
Leljay Sun 03-Nov-13 15:59:05

Hi all.

My friend, we shall call him S, is a twenty-something year old single dad to a beautiful, cheeky, almost 2 year old LB. LB's mama, and S's partner of over 10 years, and sadly, wife of only a few months(We shall call her N), died very tragically when LB was just 3 months old. Obviously, S is still grieving heavily from her death, but is completely devoted to his little man. They have a very strong, very beautiful to see relationship, yet it is always bittersweet. N was my best friend, and she was over the moon when LB was born - he is a little boy born of a lot of love,he was so wanted, and she was so excited to finally have a baby.

As I said, S is completely devoted, and is a fantastic father. He signed himself up for bereavement and grief counselling not long after N passed away, as he wanted his full focus to be on LB, and to manage his grief properly so that he could be a good father. Everything he does, he does for that little boy, and I only wish I could be half the parent he is. How he ever managed to deal with a young baby, and work, and handle his grief, I will never know. It shows in LB, who is now a gorgeous, happy, healthy little boy, the absolute spit of his Daddy, with his mama's big eyes (S likes to joke about how cliche it is!). I love him dearly, and his spirit and cheeky ways reminds me of his mama so much - I am so grateful to play such a place in his life.

S is a member of the Armed Forces (although has switched to a non-deployment role after N passed away), and works full-time. As such, LB has attended a nursery/creche since he was 6 months old. He loves it there, the women who run it are fantastic, and he is thriving. It means S does not have to worry about him while he works, and it works very well. I often elect to pick up LB from nursery, as my own little one goes to one not far away, as it helps S out, and lets me spend some time with him.

However, I have noticed something that makes me so impossibly angry and hurt, and I need tips for dealing with it. Several of the other mothers at the nursery like to make comments about LB, S and the situation. They tell me often that they feel sorry for LB, as he does not have a mother, and that S should find a new partner as LB needs a mother - it is selfish of him to stay single, and put him in nursery. After I snapped and told them how hurtful what they are saying is, it has got nastier. They have called him an unfit father, as he still attends grief counselling once a month, and apparently this makes him 'mentally unstable'. They will find the smallest things to pick holes at - that I am picking up LB /again/, that S was even a minute late to dropping him off/picking him up, that LB is wearing a top with a small stain on it (that will not wash out).

I am beyond frustrated, and hurt, and upset over this. S is a wonderful father, and I do not want these stupid comments to ever make him question what a good job he is doing. Obviously, he is a grown man and can deal with some spiteful comments, but as a friend, it makes me so angry. So my question is, fellow parents - what would you do? What should I/we do? S is reluctant to face it and prefers to ignore it, but I find it very, VERY hard to. Am I being completely unreasonable by wanting to put these spiteful witches in their place!?


Minnieheehee Mon 04-Nov-13 13:37:34

Utter bitches the lot of them. Your friend must be so glad to know you're looking out for her chaps.
It maybe worth a quiet word with the nursery if it continues to get worse. Kids have an astonishing propensity to pick things up, and at the toddler stage it never ceases to amaze me how people say stuff in front of their kids (because they think because they're not talking 'yet' they somehow don't understand). There's a risk something will be said to the little one by another kid repeating what his or her vile mother is blabbering on to her coven.
I'm in education myself and speak from sad experience of these things happening.

LordPalmerston Mon 04-Nov-13 16:04:27

if i was the dad i would be PISSED OfFF some overinvolved woman is posting all of my identifiable personal details on the internet




Leljay Mon 04-Nov-13 16:10:55

LordPalmerston - S is quite aware I've posted this, and has no problem with me doing so. If you're so offended by it, you know where that close button is. wink

YouTheCat Mon 04-Nov-13 16:13:36

My god there's been some unfair judging on this thread.

OP, you sound like a lovely friend.

LordPalmerston Mon 04-Nov-13 16:18:41

He needs to grow some , really

Leljay Mon 04-Nov-13 16:23:53

Why? Because a friend is venting her frustration at a situation he is involved in? If you actually read the post, this isn't me 'speaking for him' or something like that - it was a personal rant at a situation.

But yes. Please come out from behind your keyboard and tell him that face to face. I'm sure he'd love to hear it. grin

YouTheCat Mon 04-Nov-13 16:25:12

How would you suggest he tackles these vile harridans then, Palmer? I'm sure you have some great nuggets of information. hmm

kickassangel Mon 04-Nov-13 16:46:52

what mrs de vere said.

can you raise it with a member of the management, or would S prefer not to?

There are school that send home letters reminding parents not to bitch/gossip/speculate either at school or on line, so maybe these parents could be given a similar instruction?

LordPalmerston Mon 04-Nov-13 16:51:43

i would have thought he would just rise above it tbh
who cares?

YouTheCat Mon 04-Nov-13 16:52:32

Well not you obviously. I don't know why you even bothered to post. confused

LordPalmerston Mon 04-Nov-13 16:57:02

a man i SO sad about what other women are saying?

fgs he needs to ignore

Leljay Mon 04-Nov-13 17:01:34

Palmer, if you read previous posts, you'll see what I've said: he ignores the lot of them.

But on a point of your last post: because he's male, people commenting trashing his parenting and him aren't allowed to sting? hmm

CrapBag Mon 04-Nov-13 17:06:37

He really is doing the right thing by keeping a dignified silence.

These women are awful creatures and should be ashamed of theirselves.

If I knew someone in this situation they would have nothing but my utmost sympathy and respect for trying to do the right thing (wrt the counselling) and sort himself out.

Bitches, ignore them and glare. Refuse to ever be on friendly terms with people who think like this!

MrsDeVere Mon 04-Nov-13 17:11:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SugarHut Mon 04-Nov-13 17:27:51

Ummm, there is another you think one of these "bitches" could fancy him?? OP if this "He really could do with a good woman" stuff all seems to happen in front of you...a woman who is openly very good friends with him, do you think this could be an utterly arse-about-face way of them hinting that one of them is interested?

I know it sounds stupid...but they do sound quite playground mentality, so I'm just applying playground rules. Maybe they think by loudly announcing that he needs a woman in front of you is their "genius" way of putting themselves out there. Crazier things have happened you know.

Leljay Mon 04-Nov-13 17:38:06

SugarHut - I have considered it. To give S his credit, he is a good looking guy, it wouldn't be completely out of the question. If it was the case though, I guess she's shot herself in the foot now! 'Genuises'! wink

APartridgeAmongThePigeons Mon 04-Nov-13 17:46:14

I know it sounds stupid...but they do sound quite playground mentality, so I'm just applying playground rules. Maybe they think by loudly announcing that he needs a woman in front of you is their "genius" way of putting themselves out there. Crazier things have happened you know.

TBF they do sound about only a step away form punching him in the arm and getting someone else to leave him a note that says "dear S do you fancy me? Check yes or no"

ILoveAFullFridge Mon 04-Nov-13 17:48:41

That's exactly what I was getting at.

Still doesn't excuse their bitchyness.

HauntedFlyingNaanBread Mon 04-Nov-13 18:42:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrssmith79 Mon 04-Nov-13 19:03:19

I don't know how you've maintained your composure thus far but well done for not snapping.
As said previously, i'd ignore it unless it got to a point where your friend was aware of the spitefulness and affected by it. Then you'd be perfectly justified to give them a big 'fuck you all - right up the arse with the brooms you rode in on'.

Good friends are hard to come by and you seem like a great example OP x

AgentZigzag Mon 04-Nov-13 19:14:42

'Well not you obviously. I don't know why you even bothered to post'

I thought the opposite YouTheCat, Palmer seems to care very much, so much I'm wondering whether they are either one of the posse or being defensive because they enjoy a bit of character assassination as a passtime themselves.

I tend to steer clear of topics I don't care about.

YouTheCat Mon 04-Nov-13 19:20:07

Well true. Most posters do.

I often read an OP, shrug my shoulders and then don't post because I have nothing of any value to add.

That's why I was asking for their pearls of wisdom.

pinkhalf Mon 04-Nov-13 19:39:22

Oh they reckon he needs one of them to take care of him...and they don't like you because you are in the way. Women like this make my teeth itch. Ignoring them probably makes it worse... he's mentally unstable because he hasn't cracked on to one of them yet.

There is no point having a go at people like this. What unsatisfactory lives they must lead.

gettingeasiernow Mon 04-Nov-13 20:16:56

Rise above and keep reinforcing the positive messages whenever you can. Over time, the baby will most likely thrive and be all the testament anyone needs to his dad's devotion to him.
I would only intervene in the event that the ds is hearing (and understanding) that he is, in their view, to be pitied because he doesn't have a mum. That would be damaging and in that case, they need to shut the fuck up.

Leljay Mon 04-Nov-13 22:42:24

Thank you ladies... I find it VERY difficult to be positive, or to put a positive spin, because I get so angry, it's easier to just not speak... Must give it a try, and practice my patience!

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