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To hate these vile women?!

(100 Posts)
Leljay Sun 03-Nov-13 15:59:05

Hi all.

My friend, we shall call him S, is a twenty-something year old single dad to a beautiful, cheeky, almost 2 year old LB. LB's mama, and S's partner of over 10 years, and sadly, wife of only a few months(We shall call her N), died very tragically when LB was just 3 months old. Obviously, S is still grieving heavily from her death, but is completely devoted to his little man. They have a very strong, very beautiful to see relationship, yet it is always bittersweet. N was my best friend, and she was over the moon when LB was born - he is a little boy born of a lot of love,he was so wanted, and she was so excited to finally have a baby.

As I said, S is completely devoted, and is a fantastic father. He signed himself up for bereavement and grief counselling not long after N passed away, as he wanted his full focus to be on LB, and to manage his grief properly so that he could be a good father. Everything he does, he does for that little boy, and I only wish I could be half the parent he is. How he ever managed to deal with a young baby, and work, and handle his grief, I will never know. It shows in LB, who is now a gorgeous, happy, healthy little boy, the absolute spit of his Daddy, with his mama's big eyes (S likes to joke about how cliche it is!). I love him dearly, and his spirit and cheeky ways reminds me of his mama so much - I am so grateful to play such a place in his life.

S is a member of the Armed Forces (although has switched to a non-deployment role after N passed away), and works full-time. As such, LB has attended a nursery/creche since he was 6 months old. He loves it there, the women who run it are fantastic, and he is thriving. It means S does not have to worry about him while he works, and it works very well. I often elect to pick up LB from nursery, as my own little one goes to one not far away, as it helps S out, and lets me spend some time with him.

However, I have noticed something that makes me so impossibly angry and hurt, and I need tips for dealing with it. Several of the other mothers at the nursery like to make comments about LB, S and the situation. They tell me often that they feel sorry for LB, as he does not have a mother, and that S should find a new partner as LB needs a mother - it is selfish of him to stay single, and put him in nursery. After I snapped and told them how hurtful what they are saying is, it has got nastier. They have called him an unfit father, as he still attends grief counselling once a month, and apparently this makes him 'mentally unstable'. They will find the smallest things to pick holes at - that I am picking up LB /again/, that S was even a minute late to dropping him off/picking him up, that LB is wearing a top with a small stain on it (that will not wash out).

I am beyond frustrated, and hurt, and upset over this. S is a wonderful father, and I do not want these stupid comments to ever make him question what a good job he is doing. Obviously, he is a grown man and can deal with some spiteful comments, but as a friend, it makes me so angry. So my question is, fellow parents - what would you do? What should I/we do? S is reluctant to face it and prefers to ignore it, but I find it very, VERY hard to. Am I being completely unreasonable by wanting to put these spiteful witches in their place!?


Salmotrutta Sun 03-Nov-13 17:45:32

You sound like a good friend OP and he sounds like a man who has sought help that he knew he needed.

Those women sound like spiteful gossips.

Whoever suggested saying "Actually I think he is doing a great job" is spot on.

KeziaK Sun 03-Nov-13 17:46:17

What about ' If something happened to me I can only hope that my child would be as well cared for.' ?

AgentZigzag Sun 03-Nov-13 18:03:56

Is the little lad alright at the nursery?

Just wondering whether any of what the parents say rubs off on how the other children are with him?

It sounds such a hostile atmosphere for so many to find it acceptable to talk like this. I mean, I know a lot of people feel uncomfortable about standing up to a gang of bullies, but I'm surprised it's just being let go by everyone.

needaholidaynow Sun 03-Nov-13 19:22:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leljay Sun 03-Nov-13 19:33:38

needaholidaynow - No, they are fellow parents. The women who run the nursery are wonderful, and I have no complaints against them. These women are parents of children a year or so older than LB.

AgentZigZag - LB enjoys himself, is always happy and chatty, never has a problem going to nursery, and has several little friends. He is only 19 months, so is quite unaware of what is being said, and his little friends' parents are not involved in this (that I know of). As I said, it is older childrens' mothers, and they are in a different room at the nursery. On the other point, I think many people are afraid to step in because of the whole issue at hand (N's passing, not wanting to get involved). It is sad. One friend of mine, who was also a friend of N's, who has now moved, was asked not to stand in the waiting room with this group as she gave them a mouthful for what they were saying. Damned if you do....

needaholidaynow Sun 03-Nov-13 19:39:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag Sun 03-Nov-13 19:41:54

'was asked not to stand in the waiting room with this group as she gave them a mouthful for what they were saying.'

Was asked by the nursery or the mums?

Good for your friend though, it must be noticeable to the nursery surely? It's bullying pure and simple and they can't accept that kind of thing going on on their premises?

Did you say the Dad's aware these things are being said?

How did he find out?

TheRealAmandaClarke Sun 03-Nov-13 19:46:09

Sorry about your friend. thanks
This must be very hard.
Maybe you could just tell them that their comments are totally inappropriate.
Anything else, although extremely tempting, could make you feel worse.

pumpkinsweetie Sun 03-Nov-13 19:47:14

Ignore the fuckers !
They don't know the ins and outs of his life, what nosey feckers.

phantomnamechanger Sun 03-Nov-13 19:54:04

hopefully one of the stupid cows will recognise themselves on here and think again about being so downright bitchy.

Tell S we all think he's doing a fantastic job!

FesterAddams Sun 03-Nov-13 19:58:08

Don't want to make you paranoid, but...
Presumably they know you're there to pick up the LB. So the fact that they're saying this in your presence is unlikely to be accidental. It's either some kind of fucked up criticism of you, or they're hoping it will get back to S.
I don't have a better suggestion than to ignore, sorry.

Rockinhippy Sun 03-Nov-13 20:14:33

Horrible nasty cows

If it were me I would ignore them, they are not worth the wasted breath - whilst wearing a Tee or Sweat Shirt in plain view with the large bold slogan...

Great Minds Discuss Ideas

Average Minds Discuss Things


There's lots of online sites where you could have one printed - get one for S too, it can be your nursery pick uniform wink

Screamqueen Sun 03-Nov-13 20:19:06

Er do you fancy him? Unsure why you are so invested beyond friendship?

Minnie you do realise men and women can be friends dont you without sexual attraction being involved? hmm

Rockinhippy Sun 03-Nov-13 20:22:44

Er do you fancy him? Unsure why you are so invested beyond friendship

Minnie you do realise men and women can be friends dont you without sexual attraction being involved

Yes even my 11 yr old gets thathmm - she rightly tore a strip off a boy in her class for presuming otherwise & pointed out that it was very sexist & saying otherwise made hime look like a Neanderthal prat

I was so proud grin

DownstairsMixUp Sun 03-Nov-13 20:25:25

What bitches! And way to go minnie hmm do you feel good making shite comments like that? No doubt you are probably the sort that makes these comments like these women do. I don't think there is much you can do OP aside from confront and tell them you don't appreciate how rude they are. I often send my ds in tops with stains that NEVER go in the wash as i never ever put him in amazing clothes for nursery as they always end up in paint/food/glue etc etc. Them sort of comments are just horrible and they sound like thorougly nasty people.

LaLaLeni Sun 03-Nov-13 20:39:52

I'm sad for anyone who wants to read into this to satisfy their own agenda - I'd imagine they've been hurt in some way and that's why they feel the need to link your genuine caring to imagined sexual feeling.

The other women are purely serving themselves and their own fragile egos. They see you doing something so selfless and they struggle because they'd never give up their time the way you have.

Do what you believe to be right and put those people out of your mind because you're one of the precious few for whom altruism isn't just a word.

Leljay Sun 03-Nov-13 20:51:06

AgentZigzag - She was asked by a nursery worker who no longer works there. Apparently, her outburst was not welcome, but bitching is... I digress. The girls who work there now, most of them are young and are clearly uncomfortable with getting involved in the situation. However, LB loves his nursery and is very settled, and S refuses to disrupt him from that due to a few nasty women.

And consequently, he found out due to our friend that was asked not to be in the waiting room. He ignores it, I don't know how. One woman even asked him if he'd considered online dating, since he'd had 'no luck'. He gave her the tightest smile I've ever seen, and thanked her for her suggestion, before walking off. He is a much more patient, better person than I....

Rockinhippy - that is awesome!! Go your girl!!

DownstairsMixUp - I am the same. My own LB often goes in in tops with stains. He's a messy kind of boy, and nursery isn't a fashion show!!

And thank you for all your suggestions everyone, I really appreciate it. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind!!

AgentZigzag Sun 03-Nov-13 20:56:25

Is that what the women could be thinking though?

That because the OP's helping him out so much that either the OP's made a move on him or there was stuff going on beforehand (not that it's any of their business or excuses their bollocks).

TheRealAmandaClarke Mon 04-Nov-13 03:08:03

I wonder if some women might see this man as available and desirable. A young widower with a child. So he's "fair game" for their intervention.
It's all very unpleasant.
Fwiw if I threw out every item of clothing of my DCs that has a stain, I'd be buying new clothes every day. Odd thing to criticise.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Mon 04-Nov-13 03:45:21

If S we're posting here, I'd tell him he needs to move his child from such an insanely toxic environment. It is totally unacceptable that the nursery has not intervened if they are behaving as you describe.

He's not posting, though, you are. And you need to take a step back because you are a bit over involved. S has been in a very difficult situation but he's a grown man and he can fight his own battles.

APartridgeAmongThePigeons Mon 04-Nov-13 03:51:21

Minnie, you're how old? hmm

I'd say something. Once . And then never even look at them again

"Maybe you value your marriage so little that the first thing you would do is find another warm body to take your husbands place, but luckily for S he had an amazing wonderful wife who he loved very much and set the bar very high and he isn't quite that desperate."

APartridgeAmongThePigeons Mon 04-Nov-13 03:58:56

The op isn't fighting his battles or over involved. She's spending time with a child she cares about and in order to do that she's forced to listen to vileness about her close friend. Would you just ignore verbal abuse about a loved one? The fact that they say it to her is an act of aggression towards her as well.

TSSDNCOP Mon 04-Nov-13 04:13:50

Is the nursery attached to the base at which S works? Is there some kind of pastoral professional type that could intervene here if the nursery staff won't step up?

And to answer your question, yes I agree they are vile. Well done for keeping your cool OP, I'd have been banned from the room like your other friend by now.

PresidentServalan Mon 04-Nov-13 08:30:42

Rockinghippy Your DD sounds amazing!

OP my advice would be to ignore these vicious bitches

Minnieisthedevilmouse Mon 04-Nov-13 08:42:16

Oh you lot are funny. I asked because it's not her problem. It is only his. If he is ok then really what does it matter to her? She's the one making a mountain out of a molehill. She is the one sounding like she's protesting a mite too much.

He sounds sorted. Happy or content. He's ignoring idiots. Doesn't sound to me like he needs saving, or anything. So, why are you? It's really got nothing to do with you. Let me get on with it, if he's not listening it's just wind isn't it.

Like many here apparently.

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