Mil and christmas traditions

[Dylanlovesbaez]

I'm sure I'm going to sound totally unreasonable and ungrateful but there's a ridiculous amount of back story that would take days to explain.
Basically mil has told us she's not buying dd any presents, she's just giving us money as she's too busy and she doesn't know what dd has already got. Fair enough, sad for her not to have pleasure of choosing her presents but her choice.
I've been talking for ages about getting dd a special advent calendar with drawers, she will be 19 months this christmas so wanted to start it this year. I told her this and also made a joke about getting dd christmas knickers because I get new ones every year! Anyway, mil texts me yesterday to see what we had been up to, I told her I was looking online for the calendar I wanted and that me and dp were deciding which one to get.
She replies telling me oh I've already got little lady one and it's got pockets, I'm posting it next week.
Aibu to be mightily pissed off? Not only had I already said I was doing it but she's had her turn to make her christmas traditions with her children and she didn't bother. She never bothers with us or dd. she never asks how she is and I just feel she's done this to upset me. Also got raging pregnancy hormones so bit more sensitive.

[Dylanlovesbaez]

Sorry very long! Also, what would you reply to text? Dp annoyed and says we just refuse it but I think he needs to talk to her and explain.

[YouTheCat]

Wait and see. It might be really nice. If it's not to your taste then get a different one.

It's not a huge thing in the grand scheme.

[Floralnomad]

Just get your OH to call her and say thank you for the thought but it's not really the one you wanted so could she return it . Job done .

[Lottiedoubtie]

Ok, firstly, calm down.

She's just sending a calendar. Your DD is 19 months, nothing to stop you not showing her it if you are that against it.

But it sounds like MiL can't win- either she just sends money (what a cow!!) or she sends a gift (what an interfering cow!!)

Personally... I'd do both calendars and let the traditions arrive a bit more organically over time.

[Sirzy]

Let her have 2 advent calendars, its hardly something worth getting upset about is it?

[Dylanlovesbaez]

I know what you mean by it seeming like she can't win, I don't want it to be like that but I can't even begin to explain! She's done this before, I've said I'm buying dp a coffee machine and she tells me she's already done it, same with presents for dd. she honestly never, ever bothers with us, every visit is a flying visit on her way to somewhere else.

[WhoNickedMyName]

Your MIL can't win really, can she?

YABU.

[Sirzy]

So why do you tell her what you are buying then? Just don't mention it if its something which will upset you!

[Dylanlovesbaez]

I definitely need to calm down and it's not a big deal in grand scheme of things, but I did say we were doing it! I get stupidly excited about Christmas and me and dp have our own little traditions and we want to pass them on. Reading it back after writing it down i can see I seem unreasonable and I know I am but is she too?

[flipflopper]

I know exactly what you mean, as my MIL used to be interfering with things like this. One year she did dd a stocking to open at her house, and told her santa had been, which really upset me at the time.
She is a lot better now, as dd was the first grandchild, and she now has 7, and the novelty has worn off!
I felt exactly like you, and felt like she had her time when her chidren were small, and not it your turn.

Re the calendar, just don't use it if its not what you want, but from experience, I don't like the ones with pockets or drawers and small dc don't really understand them anyway.
Pick your battles...

[flipflopper]

and you need to stop telling her what you are buying!!

[fivefoottwowitheyesofblue]

Yes she is. What Floralnomad said is perfect.

[Dylanlovesbaez]

Thanks for replies. She can win, a phonecall to see how we are every so often would be plenty.

[Sirzy]

I must be missing something because I can't see a problem with a santa stocking at grandmas house either. Perhaps I am just too laid back but it seems to me sometimes parents want to keep control of christmas 'traditions' and not let anyone else have any of the enjoyment which seems quite sad really.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Just let her have two advent calendars.

I honestly think her intentions are good do focus on that

What would have me totally grinding my teeth is the use of "little lady". Yuck!

[Dylanlovesbaez]

Will get him to do that today, he's crap at standing up to her and I can see why. She will take it all out of context and start screeching down the phone at him! Part of me feels it's not worth it but these little things are actually huge things because it's very much a control thing for her.

[Dylanlovesbaez]

Sirzy, I would love her to have te enjoyment but she doesn't even want to shop for Christmas presents for her. Where's the fun in that?

[Dylanlovesbaez]

Oh yes and little lady-cannot bear it.

[Sirzy]

She is probably worried she will get in trouble for getting the wrong thing!

[Nanny0gg]

If you know what she's like, why did you tell her?
And Fair enough, sad for her not to have pleasure of choosing her presents but her choice.

Not everyone finds it a pleasure...

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

I agree with the poster above who says just stop telling her stuff if you know her subsequent actions will upset you. It's not difficult surely? If she asks you directly what you are getting DH, for example, just tell her it's a surprise or you haven't decided yet.

YABU for repeating the same pattern with her and expecting the outcome to be different.

[flipflopper]

Sirzy, it upset me because it felt at the time like she was trying to do one better than me, it is totally OTT to have 2 sets of xmas prezzies, and she would always buy her a huge present, bigger than what we had bought.
Without the back story of controlling/ interfering maybe it doesn't sound so bad.

[WhoNickedMyName]

No she really can't win.

A phone call every so often to see how we are would be plenty

But money for Christmas, a text to see what you'd been up to, and an advent calendar isn't enough.