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To find this selfish and inconsiderate?

(66 Posts)
SuiGeneris Sun 03-Nov-13 06:28:21

We have just been away on holiday to visit my family. PILs came out at the same time, staying in separate accommodation. They were invited for various meals and came round, but halfway through the first meal it transpired FIL had an upper airway respiratory infection that was bad enough for him to have taken paracetamol and other medicines before coming.
I am cross that he did not volunteer this at all and made no attempt whatsoever at limiting the chance of infecting those present, which included a little baby, its carers, carers for a very elderly and fragile person and four asthmatics (two of whom are young children). He knew all this, knew he had a temperature and knew he should have been more careful because when I asked him exactly what he had (so that we could provide the right medicines) he muttered something about not being welcome.
Now 80% of those present at that meal are ill! AIBU to think he should have been more considerate, not kissing anyone and staying away from the children at least?

DizzyBlonde80 Wed 06-Nov-13 00:43:24

Argh I hate sick people who put their feelings before a babys health. Yes family, I am looking at you!

Sparkletshirt Tue 05-Nov-13 23:47:14

YANBU. Mil, who never gets ill, invited us over for Shrove Tuesday, which was nice and thoughtful. She looked awful and told us what a dreadful few nights she'd had and it turned out she had laryngitis (i think that's what it was). Dd was in bed for 2 weeks and wouldn't eat, she's always been skinny and she lost a lot of weight. She'd always been a warm baby as well but her hands and feet are always cold now. I have no idea why she couldn't just cancel, it wasn't a booked holiday like your in laws, it was just pancakes for crissake. Your in laws could still have come on holiday without going out to dinner and infecting everybody else.

Saying that, we all have that 6 week hacking cough at the mo and dh just made himself very unpopular going into work, but things are so bad at work that no one dare take a day off for fear of being singled out and moved to a diff dept and job they don't like.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Tue 05-Nov-13 22:47:22

Oh it is frustrating and especially if you know what can happen to your children/ you/ vulnerable adult if you / they do get ill.

SuiGeneris Tue 05-Nov-13 22:36:42

YouCat: between 5 and 7 days.

YouTheCat Tue 05-Nov-13 07:15:18

How soon after the contact were you ill? You might all have been brewing a cold anyway.

APartridgeAmongThePigeons Tue 05-Nov-13 03:01:27

Wow op, i guess "old man" doing what he feels like trumps ill baby confused

Who says he's old btw? Because he is a parent? My dad is 50 and my mother 48.can they do as they like too?

SuiGeneris Mon 04-Nov-13 20:44:52

Ok, so a variety of opinions. I am afraid the argument that goes "you never go out then/cannot wrap in cotton wool" does not work: strangers in the supermarket do not hug kids or sit next to them for hours- and it was the hugging/kissing that annoyed me, not the turning up.

And to those who ask if there is more: yes, I guess there is. PILs don't really understand some illnesses, eg asthma. They have known for over 10 years that I am allergic to certain things and yet pretty much every time we go to their house I am ill. Once it was so bad all three of us were ill and they got offended because DH tried to improve things by hoovering a bit.

And yes, of course we are all vaccinated for flu, hib, pneumonia etc. And DS goes to nursery so we catch things from there too. But that's unavoidable. Being kissed by people with nasty colds should be avoidable if they are considerate, though.

CrapBag Mon 04-Nov-13 20:03:00


He was being selfish. I don't care that people think 'oh its just a cold' on here and are being hysterical saying you can never go out in public again. That is different from knowingly coming into close contact with people who suffer breathing difficulties, particularly when they are elderly and very young.

My cousin wasn't feeling well (didn't state what, just said she felt ill) when my DD was a newborn. I didn't want her near DD, however my nan and aunt made me feel like I was being utterly ridiculous and kept looking at me and saying things until I gave in, against my better judgement. All because cousin wanted to hold a fucking baby. Yep, DD got ill straight away. Ok, she wasn't really bad but a newborn with a cold is horrible when they can't breathe properly as they don't open their mouths to breathe. I was fuming.

anonacfr Mon 04-Nov-13 19:41:39

Ok I must be an anomaly then. I never get a fever when I have a cold. I feel like shit and I lose my sense of taste for a few days but no fever.

freyasnow Mon 04-Nov-13 19:18:48

I would not be impressed by the kissing thing, but then I have odd attitudes about kissing according to others on MN. The rest is silly. I am an asthmatic and I just accept I will get colds. If your child is so severely asthmatic that they cannot risk catching a cold, I honestly don't know what the solution is. Do you home educate?

Heartbrokenmum73 Mon 04-Nov-13 19:08:07

Yes, and the thing is if you only need a day off, then it's obviously only a bloody cold to begin with!

YouTheCat Mon 04-Nov-13 19:07:13

Some of us don't get paid if we don't go in to work.

Heartbrokenmum73 Mon 04-Nov-13 19:06:00

Same goes for the idiots who come into work coughing and spluttering germs everywhere instead of taking a day off.

Who takes a day off work for a cold??? You sound like the kind of person who would then complain about people taking the day off for a cold.

Justforlaughs Mon 04-Nov-13 19:04:21

I'm just confused about why Pil came over for several times but it transpired during the FIRST meal that he wasn't well. If OP had that big a problem why didn't she say anything then?
Hand on heart I wouldn't visit my elderly relatives if I had a cold, but if I had travelled abroad to visit people then I would.

HomeIsWhereTheGinIs Mon 04-Nov-13 18:58:14

I can see your point about the kissing, but yabu about the rest I'm afraid. People get sick, and symptoms often linger. You know superflu that you're always reading about? It's going to happen because none of us are ever exposed to germs any more. You can't reasonably expect everyone with a sniffle to lock themselves into a cave. The economy would collapse overnight for a start. I remember having the tail end of a cold at a dinner once (group of about ten of us in a restaurant). One friend was pregnant so I sat at the opposite end of the table and was then subjected to an hour of loud, "concerns" being voiced by another friend's dp. "Do you want me to put my coat next to you to shield you from the germs" sort of thing. Truly irritating, especially as the friend in question didn't care.

wonkylegs Mon 04-Nov-13 08:17:54

I think that the OP is slightly overreacting.
The elderly relative with a cold should probably have avoided kissing everybody especially the baby but probably didn't think about it in the heat of a family gathering especially as they weren't that ill in themselves.
I think that the OPs language when talking about the subject does show a bit of a germ phobia or hysteria.
I'm very practical about illness as I have to be as I am permanently immuno-compromised due to drug therapy.
I would be annoyed with somebody turning up with chicken pox at a gathering (which happens far too much IME), but a cold in winter not so much. It's one of life's general hazards, yes it can make me ill but so can going to the supermarket, going on a bus etc.
I caught TB on a business trip and I wasn't even aware I met anybody with it. (that was a horrible thing to catch and the medication for it is really nasty too - 6months of daily vomiting to get it out of my system sad)

Mittensonkittens Mon 04-Nov-13 08:04:39

People with colds kissing babies annoy me. I know they could get a cold anyway but why put them in the line of fire? And yes it's only a cold but a cold in a baby means several sleepless nights for both parent and baby. Not life threatening but miserable.
When ds was 5 months mil had a terrible cold. When we arrived she said 'I won't kiss him because I've got this.' Within ten minutes she was blowing raspberries on the side of his face. I should have said something really, I was fuming. Fuming. Yes it was only a cold but it was a bad one, more than a snuffle. Sure enough a few days later ds was full of cold, which then developed into a bout of croup, which then resulted in an ambulance and a stay in hospital. Sure he could have caught it elsewhere anyway but all that happened was that I inwardly blamed mil and was seething.

Why do it? I don't mind if people have cold and it isn't babies they are infecting but it really annoys me when ill people kiss babies! There's no need, just stay away until you're better!

Doctorbrownbear Mon 04-Nov-13 07:58:53

You cannot hide away from cold germs, especially at this time of year. You can contract colds from surfaces that other people have touched and through airbourne particles. You are most likely to catch a cold from someone before their symptoms appear. Despite this I sometimes get a bit annoyed if someone is clearly full of it and coughing and spluttering. The rational part of me says to stop being ridiculous as you cannot prevent anyone from getting a cold, if you didn't catch it off your FIL you would have caught it off someone or something else. It sounds like half the party are in a particularly vulnerable group in terms of picking up infections. Have they had their flu jabs? I think you are being a bit precious by getting so annoyed and you should get over it now.

Moreisnnogedag Mon 04-Nov-13 07:53:36

Wow a cold bad enough to take paracetamol?! That's like the worst cold ever. You only realised halfway through the meal which means he wasn't that bad.

I can just imagine him sneezing, saying he had a bit of a cold and you clutching your pearls and gathering your children (and the elderly relative) to your bosom.

DziezkoDisco Mon 04-Nov-13 07:43:17

You can't have a day off from work for a cold!

Higgledyhouse Mon 04-Nov-13 07:40:49

My opinion is that I bet the FIL thought he was doing the right thing by making an effort to attend the meal, not letting people down for example his son etc. Regardless if that is true or not its probably how he felt. I also think he probably took paracetamol to perk himself up, I've done that loads of times. I don't think he is selfish, just one of those things. It's also possible that the other party members could have been made unwell being other means? Maybe one of the kids was brewing a cold.....? I wouldn't be too harsh on him personally just maybe ask him to be extra precautious next time.

YouTheCat Mon 04-Nov-13 07:30:21

Omg a sniffle! Wrap up your offspring!

OnaPromise Mon 04-Nov-13 07:23:59

He should have been more careful, yes, but it seems like there may be more to it given the strength of feeling in the OP. Does he have form for being a bit of an eejit?

mrstigs Mon 04-Nov-13 07:05:24

If you did become aware until halfway through the meal when he told you it wasn't a heavy cold. I've got a pretty heavy cold, i can't eat properly for a blocked nose, sound like a man on 50 Benson a day, and keep coughing and sneezing. I also look flushed and visibly unwell. Sounds like he just had a bit of a mild cold. You can't avoid those in the winter Im afraid.
I also have two young asthmatics in my family. The youngest has only been hospitalized once and is slightly less ill with colds but my older girl has been hospitalized pretty much every month over the winter for the past three years for about a week at a time and was nearly on hdu with one cold. So yes, i know the f
worry when you see them sneezing, but you cant wrap them in cotton wool. Making someone feel unwelcome over a cold was a bit rude imo.

cardibach Sun 03-Nov-13 21:34:20

Yes that's what I meant - a temp
Is fairly standard with a cld and anon!said it must be more than a cold if there was a temp. That's why I wondered if you always thought it was flu with a temp anon. So you never have a temp with a cold then? I always do.

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