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Do comments like this annoy you? AIBU?

(67 Posts)
PenguinBear Sat 02-Nov-13 15:20:35

Does it annoy you when someone likes to tell you how you feel/are?
E.g. No you don't have a headache. I have a headache or no of course it isn't a sickness bug, you're fine while you're being sick.

They always have to be the worst and if they are ever questioned you are accused 'bullying' them and not caring.

How would you handle this type of bastard behaviour?

Simsim1 Sat 02-Nov-13 21:00:53

We once had dh's cousin staying over moaning about her period pains and that she didn't fancy any dinner, whilst I was in the early stages of labour.

gemmal88 Sat 02-Nov-13 21:57:15

I had a conversation with my aunt today telling her about my jaunt to hospital due to hypermesis this week and had a moan about feeling rubbish. This was countered with her hangover and how hypermesis wouldn't be a patch on that.

I made my excuses and got off the phone. hmm

PacificDogwood Sat 02-Nov-13 22:05:40

I knew a person who got very upset and annoyed when various HCPs started appearing at their house in regular intervals and it was not about them, but their spouse who was dying of a brain tumour.
Nobody knew how to deal with this person who of course deserved sympathy and support during the time their spouse was dying, but it was hard to stay sympathetic at the increasingly absurd attempts at trying to 'trump' every symptom the dying person had.

Nought as queer as folk.

PorkPieandPickle Sat 02-Nov-13 22:19:32

Not quite health related but similar; my hubby does it with the temperature. Last night me shivering as I took off my dressing gown to get into bed and he says you're not cold, it's not not cold. Me hmm actually I am cold, you're not me, you can't know whether I'm cold!

Pollydon Sat 02-Nov-13 23:07:11

I call it competitive illness syndrome.

wamabama Sun 03-Nov-13 07:16:02

It depends how it's done. If it's done in an almost competitive way like "What about me? I'm suffering far more than you are." sorta thing then of course that's obnoxious.

However I think often it's people trying to empathise and also let you know you're not alone with it. I think it can be helpful to hear other peoples experiences sometimes just to know you're not the only one. Also when people say "Oh I had that bug last week, bloody awful isn't it" I just view that as normal conversation. It isn't self centered imo, it's just making conversation...

sashh Sun 03-Nov-13 07:20:59

My mother does this, but not just about health

"you just have to think........." no I don't have to think that at all.

TidyDancer Sun 03-Nov-13 07:22:31

Bumpandkind - neither of you?

I work with someone who has always had something worse happen to her or feels more ill than you or has slept less than you. It gets to the point where people dread having conversations around her!

PenguinBear Sun 03-Nov-13 08:26:01

Thanks all. I don't think in the situation described in my op that he is trying to sympathise, he just doesn't want to acknowledge that anyone could be feeling under the weather apart from him.
Yes he has diabetes but he uses it on a daily basis to not do things he doesn't want to do hmm. Dont you know I am diabetic is one of his favourite lines.
Funnily enough it never stops him doing anything he wants to do!!

PacificDogwood Sun 03-Nov-13 08:48:56

Well, you could point out to him that Sir Steven Redgrave is also an insulin dependent diabetic and he seems to have been able to exert himself considerably from time to time... wink

SamHamwidge Sun 03-Nov-13 09:00:23

My mother.does competitive illness.

Drives me mad when all you want is a bit of sympathy .

I'd go into a big lecture about the subjectiveness of pain grin

I have no patience with certain people DH moaning they have something minor wrong though (or competitive tiredness), when they know how I feel. The only answer he gets is, if its that bad, go see the doctor.

ithaka Sun 03-Nov-13 09:13:19

I would be careful with the Steve Redgrave comment - Steve Redgrave is a T2 diabetic and nothing gives T1 diabetics the rage more than T2 diabetics attempting to empathise with them as if they have the same condition. It is, in fact, a prime example of what is being complained about on this thread.

My MIL is a competitive illness person, so I decide not to play the game with her and I am competitively healthy instead -'poor you, you are always ill. I am so healthy, I never get ill, I must have a fantastic immune system, I think my family must have great genes, I'm so lucky etc' It is worth it to see her twitch.

Thewalkingdeadkr Sun 03-Nov-13 09:16:34

I posted about this last year.
I had full on flu, really bad. I could hardly move but dh had to work a d it was in my interests to get kids to school/nursery.
Involved lots of pain killers and dd1 helping much.
I'd painfully load them into the car and drop them looking like death itself.
But apparently I didn't have flu or I'd have been unable to get out of bed!

DownstairsMixUp Sun 03-Nov-13 09:18:15

Yes very annoying. My DP doesn't talk to his uncle anymore but when he did his partner was so annoying. Literally no one could tell her a story without her doing something better say "I went on a carribean cruise, it was lovely" her = "I went on a hot air balloon all over the world with richard branson and my own butler" it was very tiresome.

waikikamookau Sun 03-Nov-13 09:19:29

my bil does this to dh. he is always iller we joke about it, dont tell him how ill you are - youwill only get how Ill he is..

PacificDogwood Sun 03-Nov-13 09:21:12

ithaka, I take your point, I was responding to the OP's husband not being able to do stuff 'because he is diabetic'. And Redgrave is insulin dependent, isn't he?

I like your approach to your MiL... grin

BooCanary Sun 03-Nov-13 09:23:17

I get more annoyed with people who won't allow you to whinge about being ill, unless youve fully confirmed that you have taken all and every relevant medicinal remedy:

Me- Oh I feel really crap, bad head and stomach ache.
Dh - Well have you taken some rennies?
Me - no, its not really a rennies-type stomach ache.
Dh - well how do you know until you take some? How about paracetamol?
Me - well I might just go and lie down and take some paracetamol in a minute.
Dh - try nurofen, and maybe a hot drink. Or have a bath?
Me - arrrghhhh!

PloddingDaily Sun 03-Nov-13 09:24:37

I'd be very wary of the whole issue of how badly one person's medical condition affects them vs another person with the same condition (& as said already, T1 & T2 are very different beasts esp re exercise)...just like non diabetics, it's not fair to say to someone "well
X runs marathons so you must be being a wimp" as we're all different...& then I also know from bitter personal experience that diabetes is a) bloody hard to control b) makes you feel lousy when your levels are wrong - physically & mentally & c) nothing is more poisonous in a relationship than your oh assuming you're swinging the lead just because your medical condition is not always visible in it's effects. Oh, & a hypo / exercise / slightly wrong carb counting can have effects that last hours /days in extreme cases.

I'm not saying your DH doesn't have a case of '2shits' (as it's called in this house! grin), just trying to put the other side of diabetes across - I often get fatigue & other symptoms if th

MidniteScribbler Sun 03-Nov-13 09:24:41

My aunt does this. Drives me mental. She's allowed to be sick and have a sore back and stay in bed all day (while I run around after her making cups of tea and doing all the housework and washing) but when I have the flu, she just wants to remind me how she had it a few weeks earlier and 'we women just have to soldier on".

PacificDogwood Sun 03-Nov-13 09:25:17

Boo, those are the 'fixers': unable to listen and give sympathy, but feel the need to 'do something'.
V annoying. 'Tis often men, but my mum is also pretty bad for it....

PloddingDaily Sun 03-Nov-13 09:26:00

Argh, phone!!! Was trying to say i often get other symptoms if things are out of kilter but I'd be mortified if people assumed I was engaged in swinging the lead / one upmanship... sad

BerstieSpotts Sun 03-Nov-13 09:27:11

It's not your DH/DP is it? Huge red flag for emotional abuse, if so. They just can't stand anyone being centre of attention more than themselves...

BerstieSpotts Sun 03-Nov-13 09:28:07

In fact this particular trait was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I LTB.

PenguinBear Sun 03-Nov-13 09:29:10

I may use the Steve Redgrave thing, thanks! It's gets very tiresome...

Can you bath the younger dc, can you help cook dinner, can you collect dd1 from her friend's house, can you do anything. His answer is always 'no, don't you know I'm a diabetic' he then proceeds to tell me how selfish I am, don't get his illness and don't care about it. He goes into his study and just plays on his computer.
Though when he wanted something for his computer he made the hour long trip to Peterborough to get it without issues! Funny that!

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