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being undermined by parents

(76 Posts)
smallmomma Sat 02-Nov-13 11:28:16

My dd is 10. I have had quite a few issues with her behaviour in the past.
During a fall out with my parents - I managed to get some form of control back.
Speaking to them again, and we are seeing changes in my dd again. Which im willing to accept, if she accepts and respects my rules, and remember that I am the mother.

A few weeks back my dd wanted somw shoes. So we spent 5 hours trailing around shoe shops. She spent most of her time looking everywhere but the shoes. Me, my oh and my other dc were showing her shoes tht she may have liked and she kept saying no.
Needless to say, we got fed up and went home. Shoeless.
Which she then moans to my parents about. As if im a bad person not buying her shoes.
I took her to asda for shool shoes as they were needed. Again she looked everywhere but. In the end i said you picn, or i pick. So she picked some yay!
Then i thought, we would get her a coat.
The same thing happened. If you dont pick, i will. So she picked.
Now its not a bad coat. She is the only one who has problems with it. My point is - you picked it!!

So she has been moaning to my mam and dad again. After repeatedly asking me to buy another.
We have had 3 bdays this month, halloween and preparing for xmas. I have 4 kids.
I dont have the funds to just buy her a coat willy nilly when her current coat is brand new!
We have had huge arguements over her refusal to wear it, and trying to go to school in the freezing cold rain. Which puts across that i wont buy her a coat - as that is her intention.
She made my parents feel sorry for her. So yesterday she came back from grandparents with a new coat.
Which just pissed me right off!

All my arguements, battles and persistence. For what!?
Now i look like the bad one for saying they shouldnt have done that!

Am i being unreasonable here?

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams Sat 02-Nov-13 11:30:13

Your DPs are being totally unreasonable in undermining you. Id return the coat.

However, at ten, maybe she just cant commit to a decision yet. YWNBU to just get her a practical.coat and a practical pair of shoes.

smallmomma Sat 02-Nov-13 11:32:14

So sorry, but what does YWNBH mean? Lol

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams Sat 02-Nov-13 11:41:00

YWNBU - you would not be unreasonable

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood Sat 02-Nov-13 11:42:38

Return the coat to them and tell them that they are undermining you and they need to keep out of it.

smallmomma Sat 02-Nov-13 11:44:49

I would like to say thank you for stating thar you also think my parents are being unreasonable.
I really feel they know what theu are doing.
They used to do this all of the time. When I fell out with them, i told them about it.
I was too weak to say out as they claimed i was ungrateful all of the time. Bypassing the rules i had set out for my children.

It just makes my childreb lose the respect they had for me. Whether this is my parents intention or not, I dont know. Sometimes it seems that way though.

Again, they have me sat here feeling like a bad person, ungrateful and what not. Now ive got my dd feeling that way about me also! Give me strength!!

smallmomma Sat 02-Nov-13 11:46:20

Ah thank you for clearing that up. And thank you :-)

Jolleigh Sat 02-Nov-13 11:46:28

They're being out of line. I'd ask for the receipt, return it and have a word with them. I don't get why they thought it was ok to do that...

Chippednailvarnish Sat 02-Nov-13 11:47:11

Give the coat back and tell them to mind their own business.

smallmomma Sat 02-Nov-13 11:47:12

I am returning the coat today. I will be frowned upon because of this. Which pisses me off even moren

Chippednailvarnish Sat 02-Nov-13 11:47:43

Your kids, your rules.

puntasticusername Sat 02-Nov-13 11:48:03

I can see why your parents might have done what they did if they'd only heard your daughter's side of the story (though imo they should have talked to you before going and buying the coat). But I think no, YANBU to put them fully in the picture and say thankyou, but it would be undermining your approach to let your daughter keep the coat they got her.

ghostonthecanvas Sat 02-Nov-13 11:48:23

Yanbu. I agree you should return the coat. Sounds like your dd needs firmer boundaries. Less choices. Which is easy for me to say my teen didn't cry because I wouldn't buy superdry, oh no
Your parents have boundary issues too. Some strong talking is needed.

smallmomma Sat 02-Nov-13 11:52:10

Oh my parents knew. I had ranted to them about her behaviour over the coat a few times. My mother stating if it was her child - she wouldnt buy her another one either...

Hmmm ...
Like i say, i seemed to be getting somewhere with dd...until my parents were back on the scene.
I have had strong words with them countless numbers of times.
I am the bad one in all of this, every single time.

maras2 Sat 02-Nov-13 11:53:22

Your parents are out of order and ABVU.However spending 5 hours shopping for shoes ..... ? < faints at the very thought of shopping for anything for 5 hours,especially with a 10 year old > Use the internet.Save shoe leather and frayed tempers.

puntasticusername Sat 02-Nov-13 11:57:27

Oh sorry, didn't realise that. In that case, your parents are being massively unreasonable. And it sounds as if maybe they need some firm boundaries, as well as your DD wink

Alexandrite Sat 02-Nov-13 12:04:15

If she likes the coat your parents bought wouldn't it be better to take back the unwanted coat for a refund?

Alexandrite Sat 02-Nov-13 12:13:55

There's a great book called Divas and Dictators by Charlie Taylor about managing behaviour. Lots about using praise and reward to encourage good behaviour. He has run a secondary school for excluded children and has turned around really bad behaviour, so knows his stuff.

smallmomma Sat 02-Nov-13 12:14:59

I no longer have the reciept. Plus, if i was to take it back. Yes, my dd would get a coat she preferred. But i would be going against everything i had said to her, and put in place. Which i cant afford to do due to her previous behaviour. Plus i told her i might get her a new coat for xmas.
Which i now feel is all linked to my parents undermining tricks that they have ALWAYS done!

My dad has so much as even sat there with his arm around my daughter saying "its alright pet" as i have been telling her off about something.

smallmomma Sat 02-Nov-13 12:16:28

What does ABVU mean? Sorry not good with these things lol

smallmomma Sat 02-Nov-13 12:17:12

Ooh are being very unreasonable! Im just slow lol

smallmomma Sat 02-Nov-13 12:21:27

To top it all off. They werent good parents themselves. My mother was a neglectful alcoholic, who doesnt know how to look after herself. My dad was the kind to do anything to keep the peace. Even if that meant 10 year old babysitting their mother while he was at work.

Yet they call me cruella and make me doubt my own parenting skills. Which i personally think are good!
I have nothkng but positive feedback from those around me, my kids (apart from dd) and the schools.

Sorry needed that rant there! Really annoyed by this coat. As im made out to be the bad one in my dds eyes again!

Chippednailvarnish Sat 02-Nov-13 13:05:35

Maybe it's time to step away from them?

puntasticusername Sat 02-Nov-13 13:06:54

Wow. I can see why things are so difficult. thanks that's pretty rough.

Could it be time for you to have a very serious discussion and lay things on the line to them? Explain your parenting methods, how you would like them to support you, and be very specific in what behaviours are and are not helpful in their part. Try and keep it all as neutral as possible, not accusatory or argumentative, more "when you do x, the consequence is y (and/or "I end up feeling z"). So I need you to do a instead".

Ensure they know that if they can't do this, it's going to be ultimately very hard for you to keep them in you and your DC 's lives. Awful though that would be.

I am sure they will find this very hard, as you're asking them to change lifelong patterns of behaviour, but there it is. You can't carry on this way.

Sorry if you've already been there and done that, just trying to think what might help!

smallmomma Sat 02-Nov-13 13:07:25

Thats what i have been thinking. Its just hard as again i am made out to be the bad one. Apparently blowing things out of proportion etc. I have been there. My dd believes them over me all of the time.
There is no winning in this one

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