To feel slightly annoyed about not getting a choice in Xmas?

[LaLaLeni]

This is my first AIBU post, so please be kind!

We have a 7 month old DS, who is an ivf baby that I had to convince OH to have. I went through the treatment twice and it wasn't easy. We just bought our first home which for me is a very important new start as we previously had a house burn down and lost everything. My ideal Christmas would be just the three of us in our new home together, bonding as a new family and relaxing. I work full time and have a self-employed job too, so holidays are the only time I have to reset.

My DF and DSF regularly travel the 3 hrs to see us, but pils have never visited us once in our 4 years together. Mil has an anxiety disorder (although I wasn't told until this summer) meaning she won't go out alone, she hasn't sought treatment for it. They live on a smallholding and have issues with hoarding, so their house is very dirty (think cat faeces/vomit left for weeks, piles of old furniture/papers/toys covered in cobwebs and dust from when OH was little, the odd dead animal covered in flies that the 6 cats bring in, not to mention the 'new' microwave OH used to warm DS's milk when he was just 5 weeks old, which has about an inch of encrusted food inside it. During our last visit to them mil promised they'd finally come to us next, but then promptly got a sheepdog puppy who can't go in a car or be left alone ever.

OH doesn't drive and we don't need a car, so I always have to hire one and do all the driving.

We last visited in September and paid a lot of money to rent a cottage because DS is about to crawl and I insisted on avoiding him eating cat poo or anything else lying around at mil's house.

OH constantly says he has no money, despite having earned over double what I do until very recently, (Yet I still paid half of all our bills) yet seems fine with spending cash on hire cars and holiday cottages. We've had no holidays anywhere other than to see pils since 4 months in to our relationship. I pay all the bills and I paid three times what he did towards our mortgage deposit too, so it annoys me that he now insists on blowing more money visiting pils who refuse to make the effort to come to us, even though we have a child.

When we see them, pil barely looks up from the tv and has to be asked to hold DS. I spend the whole time watching DS to make sure he's not putting poo in his mouth. I have to drive us everywhere. It's not how I want our first family xmas to be at all.

I tried to tell OH how I felt but he just yelled saying I don't understand what it's like for him. Considering he has no qualms about saying he hates my DF, I feel I do.

Am I unreasonable to expect to have some say in this without being made to feel like I'm a terrible mother? I've made so many concessions already, yet there's just no give and take whatsoever

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

So just refuse to hire a car or drive it. Tell your OH he is welcome to do as he likes but you and the baby are staying home for Christmas. Then stand firm. Of course you have a choice, just bloody well stand up for yourself - and for your son if their house is so unhealthy.
Your OH cannot insist on spending your money on rentals and cottages, it's yours.

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

Your dh is an arse and is happy for yoy to spend more yet he keeps his cash firmly to himself when it suits.

I wouldn't spend Christmas with the PiL.

What do you want? stand firm and don't be bullied.

[PatriciaHolm]

So what positive points does this man have? Your post suggests pretty much none, quite frankly.

[Mondayschild78]

YANBU I agree with everyone else stand firm, you have a young baby to consider and it doesn't sound like a healthy environment let alone a fair deal given the finances and the fact you are the only driver.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Well quite frankly his parents sound like they are in the depths of mental illness, so I can fully understand your OH not wanting to just give up on them. He probably feels obliged to visit them but is fully aware of what an intolerable state their house is in. Fair enough, but he shouldn't be insisting that you and the baby visit too. If the house is as bad as it sounds then I wouldn't go with a baby on the grounds it is a health hazard. Your OH needs to concede that that is not unreasonable. However, it shouldn't stop HIM visiting them - he can go there on the train and stay in their house, rather than waste money on a holiday cottage. He'd probably have to do a fair bit of cleaning first, like!

I can understand why he is saying that you don't understand how hard it is for him - he probably hates seeing his parents living like that, knows they need help but if they are refusing it then he must feel very frustrated. And now he also feels torn in another direction because he must feel loyalty towards you and the baby. I don't envy him. But it doesn't mean you and the baby have to suffer too.

[Pancakeflipper]

Red flags waving with your relationship.

And you do have choice. It will rock the boat but you have options.

[LaLaLeni]

I've wondered that too. We have to get to breaking point before he behaves like an adult for about 3 days, then it's back to the same old nonsense. But we're stuck in a mortgage now and I can't keep everything going alone, I've done all the sums.

I should've said - I've put my foot down many times but the result is always an almighty row. He punishes me (ahem) by not doing any childcare or threatening to leave with DS. I am fully aware of the ridiculousness of that.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

He is punishing his SON by not doing any Childcare, not you. Selfish git. I Don't feel sorry for him any more.

[JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice]

He threatens to take your baby away?!

[Ruprekt]

Yuk! Do not go!

Tell him he is welcome to go to his parents but you are having xmas at home with ds.......

[LaLaLeni]

Curly, that's how I try to think - but to him how they live is normal, he grew up in it and he does nothing in our household. If I ask him at least not to add to the housework he says I'm a nag and mimics me the way a teenager would.

His family don't talk about feelings. His older brother still lives at home and has recurrent depression and they would all rather carry on living that way then deal with it for the sake of their grandchild, which makes me sad.

[WooWooOwl]

The problem is in your second sentence, the rest of your post want really necessary except for ranting purposes.

If you had to convince your DP to have a child, presumably he didn't really want one, and was never going to want his life to be the way you want your life to be.

The problems you have now are an inevitable consequence of trying to build a family with someone who didn't want that.

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

He threatens ti leave with ds when you have a serious disagreement??

This is worrying, please don't put up with this behaviour , its rubbish for you and your boy.

[LaLaLeni]

Woowoo it was purely a timing thing and we had no choice in that - I told him on day one I wanted children and he agreed. He adores DS and I have to deal with the situation as is, I can't really reverse time.

[JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice]

He sounds incredibly immature!

[Workberk]

Wow, YANBU. Your H is a dick cocklodger.

Can you rent somewhere smaller and rent out your house?

A mortgage is no reason to stay in a horrible situation, although I can understand how it could feel that way.

[LaLaLeni]

Also I can't see how any of this would be different had it been him who wanted kids and not me. I only mentioned that because he seems to belittle my importance in this decision making

[toffeesponge]

You are bringing your child up in an abusive relationship.

If you want this forever, carry on. If not, sell the house and get you and your baby away from this miserable life.

[LaLaLeni]

Work - it's shared ownership so we're not allowed to rent it out. We pay half of what we paid in rent for a smaller place so there's just no way I can manage it alone. Even if we split I'd just move into the study (which my employer say I have to have to get my one work from home day a week so I'm not away from DS all the time)

[WooWooOwl]

He doesn't adore his ds if he uses looking after him as a weapon to get at you.

But leaving that aside, he cannot control what his parents do, whether they visit, or how they keep their home. There is nothing at all he can do about their behaviour, but they are still his parents, and it's natural that he will still want to see them sometimes.

You have every right to refuse over Christmas, but if you are expecting that these people will change just because you have had a child, then you are setting yourself up to be disappointed. If this was how your DP was brought up, they aren't suddenly going to decide that his child is more important than he was and start spring cleaning and dealing with feelings.

You need to decide what you will and won't put up with, then stand firm and stick to it. That's all you can do, because you can't change other people from who they are.

[hopefulgum]

He threatens to leave with DS but you had to convince him to have a child? I am sorry, but it seems to me he is not behaving as an adult at all. You must stand firm. And start considering how you might cope (especially financially) on your own, because it doesn't sound to me like there is a good future for you as a couple. You clearly have your DS's welfare as a priority, but he doesn't.

I know you say you are stuck in a mortgage now, but you don't have to be if things don't work out. It shouldn't be the reason you stay with a selfish,teenager of a man. You would probably be much happier on your own with DS with a smaller mortgage or renting.

He is being quite unreasonable about Christmas. I too would want to have a relaxed Christmas at home for baby's first Christmas. It is a legitimate reason to want to have it at home. His family can come to you if they want to see their DS/DB/DGS. I think your problems are much greater than "Christmas".

[specialsubject]

Christmas is the least of your worries. Your husband is threatening to kidnap the baby.

there's always a choice and you need to start making it. Good luck.

[expatinscotland]

LTB.

[clam]

Well, leaving all the other problems to one side for a moment, re: Christmas, I would concentrate on the positives of staying at home, rather than the negatives of going to the pils'.