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To not let My mother back into our lives again [MNHQ: Trigger warning; physical abuse]

(146 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

bongobaby Wed 30-Oct-13 15:51:08

I haven't spoken to my mother for a few years due to her toxic ways and abuse, Long history. A few weeks ago I bumped into her unexpectedly and it was awkward to say the least.
Last few nights I have been having flashbacks to my childhood and last night I broke down in my bathroom in tears, unable to catch my breath and slunk to the floor in a heap. A memory of me being a six year child playing with my colouring pens on my own happily sprang into my mind. Because my other siblings wanted the pens and I wouldn't give them up my mother beat me with a belt causing cuts and welts on my legs and back. I was so scared that I ran from the house and 4 miles down the road for help with no shoes on. The police brought me back and when they left she beat me more, after I couldn't sit down on the toilet as it hurt, she made my siblings laugh at me and kick me.
I have closed this memory off, buried it in my mind for years as I am nearly knocking on the door of being forty soon. But it has crushed me, hurt me, made me feel like a selfish little bitch again. That's what she had called me for not sharing. I'm upset even writing this down now as I would never lay a finger on my own dc who means the world to me.
Do I really want this women back in my life again dredging up bad memories? sorry to bleat on, I'm just not feeling good at the moment and weak.

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 01-Nov-13 10:08:05


Just to let you know, we had some requests from MNers to add a trigger warning to the title. The OP's agreed to that so we've done it now.

Best wishes to the OP


bongobaby Fri 31-Jan-14 18:37:50

I have had a few telephone assessments talking through my flashbacks and night sweats of my past relationship with my mother through a therapist. to be honest i didnt think they would call. Apart from posting on here I have never spoken about or addressed my past. I am grateful for all the replies I had. My mother contacted me at Xmas.
I have now been referred for trauma counciling as from what the therapist had gaged she thinks that I am suffering from post traumatic stress. I'm a bit shocked that she has said that, and feel like a fraud. I'm so confused and feel that i would be taking up their time when it all happened years ago and my siblings suffered too. I should get a grip on it and put in back in the past, lock it away in the box.
One day I'm up and can get on with it, next day I'm all over the place and not sleeping. I don't want to sound like a Marta, my head is not straight, I'm rambling on sorry just need to talk. I know I know it would be unreasonable not to get help but I'm scared.

Hissy Fri 31-Jan-14 19:32:52

Sweety, it most likely is ptsd. That is just your body processing what it couldn't process until now.

You can do this, you have the support and you have us.

Talk away, you are not alone! ((hug))

bongobaby Fri 31-Jan-14 20:03:07

It's hit hard that it could be ptsd Hissy I'm finding it confusing. Appreciate your reply

AdoraBell Fri 31-Jan-14 20:10:45

Not a fraud at all OP, and yes your siblings suffered too but that doesn't negate your suffuring.

You deserve the help that is on offer. Please accept it.

Mamagoose01 Fri 31-Jan-14 20:12:30

Don't let her back in, what you've said she's done is terrible. Stay strong an remember you got this far without her smile

Meerka Fri 31-Jan-14 20:17:09

No, you cannot put it back in the box. Or you can - maybe - but it would be a bad idea.

People's minds try to heal themselves. Things get locked away until the person is strong enough to begin to bear them. You have had more than most, some appalling abuse, and it must have hurt you to the depths of your being. Perhaps now you are strong enough to begin this healing. Perhaps talking to a therapist will give you enough to be able to cope a little more with the pain that is so clearly so deep, and deeply buried.

<very gently> you are doing a good thing. Mumsnet is here for you.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Fri 31-Jan-14 20:22:06

Oh god you poor darling. I could cry for your younger self and all you've been through

You sound wonderful and a great mum and strong, and part of being strong is recognising when you need help and accepting that we all fall apart sometimes and that's nothing to ever be ashamed of

I hope the contact with your 'mother' wasn't too traumatic at christmas, I feel incredibly angry on your behalf that she would dare have the nerve to contact you after all she has done. If she was genuinely remorseful and accepting of what she had done she would not have forced contact, that she did shows you are still absolutely right to protect yourself from her poison

I hope the counselling etc helps you, I'm just so sorry you have to go through this xx

jellybrain Fri 31-Jan-14 20:22:41

Hi Op haven't read the whole thread so don't know if you've found a counsellor or are considering it. I know you said you didn't think you could sit in a room with a counsellor but thought I would mention that I had counselling over the phone(arranged) through work which was really good. I too didn't like the idea of sitting in a room with someone and found the phone easier. Pm if you would like me to pass details on or I could post on here if you'd prefer.
I don't really have any advice to offer but other posters are right if she can make you feel so distressed after all these years you absolutely don't need her in your life xx

bongobaby Fri 31-Jan-14 20:23:30

I thought I was a strong person but this has knocked me made me weak. I feel like a coward burying my head in the sand and not wanting to confront and bring up the hurt and pain. It is hurting my head my heart my body.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Fri 31-Jan-14 20:30:02

You're not weak bongo, not at all

Who wouldn't try to avoid something painful? Who wouldn't just wish it would all go away?

You are strong because you are still here, you have a life and a child and you have broken the cycle of abuse, that's a massive thing and one you should be proud of

FetchezLaVache Fri 31-Jan-14 20:34:42

Oh my god, Bongo, you're not weak at all! You're incredibly strong. Not only have you survived regular vicious beatings, you protected your siblings as best you could and- most importantly- you've broken that cycle of abuse by not passing it on to your own DCs. Fucking hell, love, please don't ever think you're weak. You're amazing.

PeriodFeatures Fri 31-Jan-14 20:44:12

flowers bongo I hope you can be gentle with yourself. You sound like a great mother and someone who has broken the cycle.

Keep talking. To whoever and wherever you feel you can. Each time you talk to someone you trust who affirms that what happened to you isn't your fault, the 6 year old girl that still live inside you will gradually learn to trust the world, the shame and the awful feelings will begin to lose their power.

When I read your post I felt an overwhelming sense that I wanted to hug you. I hope at some point there is someone who can hold you and help you through your pain.

I wish you a happy future.

bongobaby Fri 31-Jan-14 21:00:07

You are and have been so kind in your replies it means a lot to me. She wanted to meet up for Xmas lunch as she was not working that day. I said I was away that day and I haven't heard anything since. Did she really think that we could be mother and daughter happy at Xmas. Ffs she used to heat up table spoons on the cooker tell me to hold my hands out and bring it down. If I moved my hand away on impact she would do it double. Yep maybe she could do it again over Xmas lunch to me, bring me back to that scared little girl again. She probably wants to hurt me all over again.
That's why I'm going to find it so hard to talk it out face to face. At least I can be annoymus sorry about my spelling and grammar on here.
When we hurt we just want it to go away, why can't it go away.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Fri 31-Jan-14 21:19:56

Bongo sweetie it is heartbreaking reading your posts.

You WILL get through it. It WILL go away. You ARE strong enough and you ARE worth it. One thousand percent.

I think the easiest way to make it go away, for good, once and for all, is to be brave for a little while longer, to really face it all and work through it.


HeartsTrumpDiamonds Fri 31-Jan-14 21:23:52

I wish I could go back in time to that little 6 year old girl, take her hand and gently lead her away. Take her somewhere safe, smooth her hair and bandage her up and heal her wounds. And hug her and hug her some more and keep her safe.

That is what the 6 year old you deserved. Not what you got. That woman has no right to call herself your mother after what she did, let alone think she can have a relationship with you.

canthelpbutthinktheworldismad Fri 31-Jan-14 21:31:32

what a horrible cow. you are well rid.

FetchezLaVache Fri 31-Jan-14 21:48:21

I tell you what though, I'm a bit worried about the vulnerable ill people she now "looks after".

bongobaby Fri 31-Jan-14 21:50:19

She is dead to me, sounds harsh, sorry it's the way I feel.
I'm feeling your hugs and kind words Heartstrump. I just want to go to sleep peacefully and not wake up scared and crying anymore. I'm finding myself staying up late into the night so as not to close my eyes and have the flashbacks. No amount of eye cream can hide my dark circles.
I have never been to counselling and to think that I'm about to go into counselling for ptsd is very daunting for me.
She will never be allowed near me or my beautiful ds.

YouTheCat Fri 31-Jan-14 21:54:45

(((Bongo))) It will be bloody tough. You must be hugely strong to be the person you are now. I'm sure you will come out of the counselling feeling less burdened by the horrendous life she put you through.

You don't sound harsh. You sound justified. She doesn't deserve to be a part of your life.

bongobaby Fri 31-Jan-14 22:01:04

Fetchezla the vulnerable ill people and their families have no clue as to what she was like, as i doubt she would of got the job.Hopefully she would not abuse them. It's historical and she would of played the emotional manipulation I've changed card to her employers.

bongobaby Fri 31-Jan-14 22:14:50

I know I have to approach the counselling and be strong but I really have to think about this. I had to talk to the therapist about my overdose at 14 and self harming afterwards. I need to be careful that I don't have any thoughts like that again. I know I have my ds to live for now so wouldn't like to think like that ever again. I just don't want to slip and why I was thinking that I should just box it up.

BrokenButNotFinished Fri 31-Jan-14 22:18:38

Denial is a fantastic coping mechanism. It allows you to go on living when the reality is too hideous to contemplate. My denial started to break down when I had my first child and experienced panic attacks and flashbacks - I had the symptoms of complex ptsd. I found a therapist I could work with, but it took six months of sessions before I finally 'broke open' and turned up week after week sobbing in his chair.

Get angry. Get really bloody angry. It's your right. You've been robbed: of a normal childhood, of a family, of proper adult relationships, of your self- esteem... Then stop being angry - and get on with the life you should have. It is possible. There is light on the other side: it's going to hurt like hell getting there, but you're in pain now, so you have nothing to lose - and the pain will stop. I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment.

I haven't seen my parents since my child was a baby. I pity them now because they will get old alone and miserable and not really understanding how they got there. For a long time, I wanted to kill the bitch or, at least, I was afraid, if we met, that I would find her dead at my feet and not know how she got there. I'm not sure I feel that anymore.

As for your 'family' suggesting that you owe her something because she's your mother...?? They have their own version of the past to defend, don't they?? If they accept that your mother is deeply flawed, they have to accept that they stood by and did nothing - and they probably can't face that. In my opinion, in child abuse there is no such thing as an innocent bystander.

Good luck. Live on. Live well. And keep away from your bitch. ;-)

Newyearchanger Fri 31-Jan-14 22:19:21

Please never see her again.
Please try the trauma counselling or recommended therapy with an experienced clinical psychologist.
You can heal from this trauma and move on, I feel you will get better .

fridayfreedom Fri 31-Jan-14 22:19:38

Counselling is not easy when talking about really difficult issues, but the counsellor will be very aware of that. They will make it safe for you to talk and open up.
It can be very draining so plan a quiet time afterwards and pamper and take care of yourself.
For what it's worth, the time I spent with my counsellor felt very safe and secure and when I'm having a bad time now I envisage myself back in her room to calm myself.
It helped enormously and it helped me to understand how stuff wasn't my fault and how I need to take care of my inner child.

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