I haven't spoken to my mother for a few years due to her toxic ways and abuse, Long history. A few weeks ago I bumped into her unexpectedly and it was awkward to say the least.
Last few nights I have been having flashbacks to my childhood and last night I broke down in my bathroom in tears, unable to catch my breath and slunk to the floor in a heap. A memory of me being a six year child playing with my colouring pens on my own happily sprang into my mind. Because my other siblings wanted the pens and I wouldn't give them up my mother beat me with a belt causing cuts and welts on my legs and back. I was so scared that I ran from the house and 4 miles down the road for help with no shoes on. The police brought me back and when they left she beat me more, after I couldn't sit down on the toilet as it hurt, she made my siblings laugh at me and kick me.
I have closed this memory off, buried it in my mind for years as I am nearly knocking on the door of being forty soon. But it has crushed me, hurt me, made me feel like a selfish little bitch again. That's what she had called me for not sharing. I'm upset even writing this down now as I would never lay a finger on my own dc who means the world to me.
Do I really want this women back in my life again dredging up bad memories? sorry to bleat on, I'm just not feeling good at the moment and weak.
MNHQ have commented on this thread
AIBU?
To not let My mother back into our lives again [MNHQ: Trigger warning; physical abuse]
bongobaby · 30/10/2013 15:51
She has made you feel this way after one meeting, you are absolutely right not to let her in your life again.
You were NOT selfish and you DID NOT deserve what happened to you at all.
Have you had any sort of counselling at all? It might be good to talk to someone impartial about your childhood.
This is awful op
. She doesn't deserve to have you in her life. Look at your reaction by merely bumping into her and how it effected you. You don't want anymore of that. Just keep moving forward, you have your beautiful dc , you do not need her. Hugs.
No, you don't. You do not need or want her in your life. How awful OP.
Oh love YANBU and you are most definitely not selfish -it sounds as though you went through a terrible time
Your mother sounds awful and doesn't deserve to be in your life or your dc.
I'm not suprised you're feeling so low - do you have a partner for support? Or a close friend perhaps?
I hope you have someone. Take care and be kind to yourself xx
Of course you don't want her back in your life! Who would, after being abused like that? 
Small children often don't like sharing. As a mum you know that's normal. And nothing, absolutely nothing, a six year old could do could ever merit such a violent response.
Have you ever talked to anyone about this in rl?
Dear me, that's horrendous. My heart really goes out to you. Would you consider speaking to a counseller? I wouldn't even contemplate letting her back in until you've seeked some kind of professional help over those awful memories. And even after that, don't think she's worthy of being allowed back into your life. Good luck OP.
Bongo, I didn't want to read and run
What you went through was horrific abuse, and you are a truly amazing person to have got on with your life after going through this, but you don't need to bury it deep away.
Dealing with these memories, processing and confronting them, is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of immense strength, as is your decision to cut contact with her in order to protect yourself.
Do you have anyone you can talk to about this more, to help you rationalise your feelings? and 
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