Okay so my Dad's always been an issue for me. We stopped speaking really when I was about 2 years old (I guess when I began showing some sort of personality!) because he didn't like me very much.Over the years we've gone from attempting to get along to not getting along at all, as a child and teen I was terrified of him because he was so loud and frightening to me , I was a quiet, shy child and he was scary to me.I left home just before I turned 16 after he gave me a black eye and college spoke to me about it, before that I guess I didn't really realise that being hit wasn't normal!Mealtimes were horrendous, he'd shout and intimindate me until I cried and got upset.
I used to dread xmas because he seemed to do his best to upset me when I was there for dinner and make nasty comments, I kind of darent' speak a lot of the time.
Anyway fast forward, the last couple of years we have gotten along better. We were both interested in fitness and did some long fell running events together, and xmas wasn't an issue any longer, he was nicer to me. I think I've been a disappointment to him. I went to university (funded by him and my Mother) and got good grades, but Ive never really known what he wanted from me, he never approved of anything I did, any job, any ventures I did, the way I dressed (I'm quite alternative) the things I was interested in etc. I guess he expected me to be something else entirely. I had a lot of rubbish relationships with men as a young adult but I avoided relationships for a long time, I never had any confidence aside from in work places, as a young woman and let people walk all over me a lot-I grew up thinking I was shit because of how my Dad spoke to me and made me feel, I wouldn't say boo to a goose and thought other people were somehow 'better' than me so I let them mistreat me.My Dad is an angry, volatile human with serious issues, shouts and storms about , uses violence to state his authority on my Mother and myself. My older Sister was treated similar to me as a youngster.
Anyway, I met my current partner 3 years ago, and he has been very good for me . My inner confidence has gone up, I'm a much happier person. I guess before him I always expected men to treat me like crap , I even found myself questioning DPs kindness toward me when we first began dating. DP isn't like this at all , he treats me very well and with a lot of respect.
HOWEVER, DP has an alcohol issue. He is very dependent on it. We're getting help for him and although It's a struggle and upsetting at times, we're getting through it slowly.
My Dad won't let DP visit my Mum and Dad's place. I understand he may be disappointed that my partner is an alcoholic, but DP is a very nice person, an intelligent man, he takes good care of me, we're happy.
For this reason I have been visiting alone but they live a long way away and I resent the fact that we cannot do things together. I guess I feel that, addiction issues or not, DP is a much better person than my Father, and I wonder is my Father resentful of the fact that I am happy with a man who doesn't shout and intimidate me? In fact, my Dad has even said in the past that he knows I like the fact that DP doesnt put any pressure on me and accepts me for who I am, but this is wrong and I need somebody who has authority on me.
I've mentioned the alcohol issue because my Dad has mentioned it however I have also been told by my Mother that one issue my Dad has with DP, is the way he looks-he thinks he's ugly!
Now obviously I don't think DP is ugly, but I am inclined to think that even if DP looked like the elephant man, why does it matter?!
I am one of those women who is stereotypically good looking I guess, and my Dad thinks I should be with somebody who is. But I think there are more important things than looks. I also happen to like the way DP looks even though he may not be what my Dad regards as good looking. I feel uncomfortable even typing that . I don't think looks matter really if you love somebody. :/
My Dad DID once let us both visit as a one off, on my birthday and he treated DP horribly, kept making jibes at him, trying to intimidate him, waited until he went to the toilet and said very loudly 'WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM!!!' luckily my Sister stood up for me and DP and told him to keep his trap shut and like him for today as it was my birthday.
My Mother has suggested I write my Dad a letter. I've not visited for a few weeks now because I resent the fact that despite my Dad's lack of care toward me he can't accept DP for whatever reason, despite the fact he's improved my inner confidence and made me happy. I know alcoholism is an issue but I love DP and as far as I'm concerned, he's just a person with a problem who needs help-I trust if it was me who had an issue, he'd help me too. I dont even know if this is the issue. I kind of think my Dad doesn't like the fact that I'm with a kind, compassionate man and would prefer it if I was with somebody like him.
I daren't outright ask him. I'm still a bit scared of him tbh which is pathetic as I'm a grown woman now.
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To be angry with my Dad?(Long)!
39 replies
festered · 30/10/2013 11:22
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