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AIBU?

AIBU to be hurt by DH chat with FB 'friend'

21 replies

dreamsicle · 29/10/2013 23:47

Was just seating on sofa with DH relaxing together. Both of us with our laptops on our laps. DS who was in bed then cries and DH reluctantly gets up to see to him after a little argument as to whose turn it is... Anyway I need to use his laptop to print something as mine doesn't connect to printer and so I open it only to find a very odd conversation with some much younger girl on Facebook. I read it quickly... Get the impression they met on FB recently and she started to chat to him tonight but it all got a bit weird when he started to ask her about what pajamas she was wearing tonight and she started to respond in a similar tone....nothing much more than that but the potential for it was there and I am sad that he seemed to have initiate the conversation about this in the first place. Anyway I then just replied to her that DH has gone to bed and to wear whatever the hell she likes! He then gets back, his laptop is closed and I explain I went on it to print something. He opens it quickly and sees what I had just replied to her and just laughs it off trying to justify that he doesn't know her and just wanted to see where she would go with this... I did say that I thought he seemed to be the one who was teasing and that I did wonder why he has come to this point, whether he is feeling that much the need for attention? He didn't say anything. It was all kind of amicable he hasn't done anything but...

I do wonder whether this could just be the beginning of the end. We have only been married for 4 years. Has he lost interest in me? He seems to be looking elsewhere. Maybe he thinks he can have it both ways (definitely not by my standards). We have a young family and things are pretty tough with an eight month old and a toddler. Time alone for us is limited and our sex life is almost non-existent but I was sure this is just a phase. I miss it just as much as he does but the kids are always in our bed... He is not the only one who is affected by this and it's not our fault. Anyway AIBU to be thinking these thoughts? I feel angry at him for even making me worry about our relationship in this way, whilst he is currently fast asleep. If this is the way things will go I would prefer the end came sooner rather than later somehow though it hurts. Has anyone with young kids been through similar phases and how did you recover from it?

OP posts:

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BigPawsBrown · 29/10/2013 23:49

He sent a girl messages about what she was wearing to bed while you were right next to him on the sofa?

foreverondiet · 29/10/2013 23:52

Right to be very hurt, but act now ... To salvage your relationship. Def talk about it... Start with getting your kids out of the bed and resuming sex life.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 29/10/2013 23:53

It sounds like an emotinal affair.

carvedpumpkin · 29/10/2013 23:53

I wonder why you're so sure it's the beginning of the end? Has he done anything to make you mistrust him before? I would be furious if DH did this and tell him so, I wouldn't let him laugh it off without making it clear how hurt I was, so maybe you could have a chat with him about how it makes you feel? Early days of young dc are always hard, but it takes both partners to make time for each other, and it will get better as you are more able to find some space and time for one another.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 29/10/2013 23:57

DH and I had our son in the bed for a long time so our sex life used to happen in the living room or spare bedroom.

This a problem you both need to work on, it is unacceptable that he is sending messages to a random person on the internet when he could be messaging you.

Strike while the iron is hot and take this opportunity to discuss your relationship.

BOF · 30/10/2013 00:09

It's possible that he is just feeling a bit bored in that aspect of life and was looking for some easy anonymous flirty chat. I do not think this is at all acceptable.

However, there must be things you can both do together, even if it's just online (create a fantasy persona between you? Whatever). When you are having time and energy problems with sex, then playing daft games together can keep you in touch with that playful sexy side of life. It might be worth talking about that?

If he is actually looking further afield in a serious way, then kick his sorry arse out, obviously. But if it's just idle (if misjudged) imaginary games, then you might cut the obvious danger they pose off at the pass, while finding something you both enjoy, by being open with each other about still wanting to feel sexy and flirty, and doing something together, even if swinging from the chandeliers is right now unrealistic.

BOF · 30/10/2013 00:15

Oh, and to answer your OP, of course YANBU. You do need to talk, and work out what's going on. I'm just saying that there might not be anything horribly unfaithful going on (but I think him doing this on his own is well out of order, and he needs to know its upsetting for you- which I bet he does, if he's honest).

dreamsicle · 30/10/2013 00:26

Things are not easy. We usually only get about less than an hour of 'me' and 'our' time at the end of the day. Kids are both bad sleepers and I just decided to be patient and try to muddle through without complaining or expecting too much till they are a little older and easier to manage.... I am the main person to run the house and look after the kids on a daily basis. He does much less as he gets home later than me and by nature ( e.g. I breast feed). I thought he could maybe take over the sex life side of things by at least making the effort/ initiating. But have not said this to him in so many words. We both work full-time in stressful jobs....

OP posts:

kitnkaboodle · 30/10/2013 00:33

"We usually only get about less than an hour of 'me' and 'our' time at the end of the day."

... and how often do you spend that sitting next to each other but looking at your laptops? That doesn't seem like the ideal activity if you are wanting to keep your relationship strong ..? Or was that just a one-off?

AgentZigzag · 30/10/2013 00:34

YANBU, might just be me, but his reaction was a little unusual.

What did he mean when he said he ''just wanted to see where she would go with this'. I can't help but wonder what direction he was thinking of, as in what undies she was wearing?

Asking people what they're wearing isn't any kind of teasing I've ever heard of, especially with someone you don't know.

But then would he be up to anything sat right next to you and leave it open for you to see?

But then some people get a kick out of doing it right under the person's nose or maybe think if they do then (in their head) it's more innocent than it actually is.

Not sure, but you don't sound happy regardless.

Do you want to get out of the relationship?

DontPanicMrMannering · 30/10/2013 00:36

Bloody hell, forever she shouldn't have to have sex work her DH to keep him faithful! He's a grown man if he's getting unhappy in that area he should talk about itnot online cjat up solstsomeone else.

I thought we were past this "fuck your man on tap or he just can't help it" message.

Op yanbu I would be very very unhappy don't let it be brushed off make him talk.

AgentZigzag · 30/10/2013 00:37

X-posts, if you haven't said it to him in so many words, spelling it out would be a great place to start

This time won't last forever, it will get easier.

DontPanicMrMannering · 30/10/2013 00:37

Ok my typing has gone horribly horribly wrong night night!

AgentZigzag · 30/10/2013 00:39

I thought you were making perfect sense DontPanic.

OnemorevoiceforAF · 30/10/2013 00:41

" he wanted to see where she would go with this?"

??

The issue us, where was he trying to lead her with thus? He raised it? Where was he hoping to be headed?

We all know, of course .

Twat.

OnemorevoiceforAF · 30/10/2013 00:42

Typo with u . Read i.

AgentZigzag · 30/10/2013 00:48

If he did mean that though Onemore, would he really say it out loud?

I know some might to make it look like they're being open, but it's a bit odd to say it straight out like that.

Unless he's known as a 'teaser' and he's working it into being part of that persona.

AgentZigzag · 30/10/2013 00:48

A teaser as in someone who winds people up rather than in flirting way.

BOF · 30/10/2013 01:02

I agree with you, DontPanic, absolutely. I only posted that suggestion on the assumption that he is not an entitled sleazeball (and I might be being over-generous here).

dreamsicle · 30/10/2013 01:10

Thanks for replies. BOF I think you nailed it. I think he was too embarrassed and in disbelief that I caught him at it that he just didn't know how to react...more like a nervous laughter. I was totally laid back about it as I don't like to create drama. Nevertheless I agree we need to talk about it in more depth. I just hate this feeling of insecurity and how a seemingly stable relationship can feel so on the rocks from one moment to the next. Esp when we need to be providing a lovely environment that our kids can grow up in... That's what I am most sad about. :((

OP posts:

BOF · 30/10/2013 02:24

If you talk and establish what is actually going on though, then there's every chance you can both turn it around. A loving sexual relationship doesn't have to mean shagging each other five times a week, but if you stay focused on each other and can communicate and have fun like that, then you can maintain your little bubble against the rest of the world. Try not to start from a point of feeling insecure, but from wanting to improve your communication.

I'm not for a minute suggesting that you take any shit, but if it's just a matter of keeping each other as a sexual priority via flirting and keeping each other in the loop, then you can make everything intimate and exciting while you tick over until you can find the energy and opportunity to follow it through.

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