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fathers access rights? (posting for traffic)

(202 Posts)
WorriedFriend2013 Tue 29-Oct-13 21:28:14

namechanged in case friends wife is on here. posting in AIBU for traffic.

basically, my good friend has left his wife, about 4 weeks ago. They have a 1 year old dd. His wife has always been a bit controlling and 'odd', and has slowly driven away the majority of his friends and family over the 4 years they have been together. They had an argument last month and she said some disgusting things about his family, which kind of woke him up to what she was really like.

They split and she is now living at her mothers, with their dd. She has not allowed him to see dd since. Obviously he is totally heartbroken over this, as his daughter is his whole world. He has suggested various things eg, only seeing his daughter in a public place like a cafe/playgym, her supervising them at the house etc, but she is having none of it.

Her latest thing is that 'she is scared to see him', when there is zero history of violence/abuse from him. He is now terrified that she will lie and say he has hurt her or dd in order to stop contact for good.

He has made an appointment with a solicitor for the end of the week, but we just wanted to know, basically, is there any chance that she could keep his dd from him for good? If she lies will they just believe her even if there is no evidence?
She has said she will do everything in her power to make sure he and his family never see dd again, but does she actually have this power?

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams Tue 29-Oct-13 21:30:10

As long as he is prepared to fight. It can be costly and a long process, but the child has a right to see its father.

WooWooOwl Tue 29-Oct-13 21:32:21

She won't be able to keep him from her for good, but she will be able to put up a bloody good fight.

Women that do this for no good reason are vile.

FudgefaceMcZ Tue 29-Oct-13 21:36:48

It is pretty much unheard of for a parent who wants contact with their child to be denied it, even if they have a violent history (in which case supervised contact would be ordered), so no that isn't 'in her power'. However, if he is going around phrasing this as his 'rights' rather than his child's rights, and what is best for the child then that is going to make him look like a bit of a dick to the courts/everyone, so probably he should have a wee think about that before going storming in anywhere. There was a really good post on Lone Parents a while back where a father explained how he had come to realise that at such a young age, it's in everyone's interests to be supportive of the mother and child as a unit, which is true because if he harangues her into a mental breakdown at this point then it's certainly not going to do his child any good, or help him to get the kind of parenting role he claims to want. She hasn't said anything about abuse, just that she is scared to see him, which could mean she is worried about how she will react given that he has just dumped her with a baby to look after (unsurprising?), so being as confrontational as you seem to suggest is probably counterproductive...

WorriedFriend2013 Tue 29-Oct-13 21:37:38

yes he has said he will spend every penny he and his family has to get contact with his daughter. I dont doubt that he would do everything in his power.
i actually hate her so much for doing this to him and their dd, its so selfish and nasty. I spoke to his mum the other day and she is in bits. I hope she is just lashing out and will come to her senses over time, but i wont hold my breath.

FlaseFuckerSpider Tue 29-Oct-13 21:39:52

Keep out of it, it will not end well for any of you. It is about the child's right to a relationship with the Father.

WorriedFriend2013 Tue 29-Oct-13 21:41:27

fudgeface i think you have the wrong end of the stick. He hasnt just 'dumped her with a baby', hes walked away from an emotionally abusive woman who has controlled every aspect of his life for the last 4 years. He would do anything for his child, and has text her offering to take dd out, send her money etc. Maybe i phrased it wrong talking about his rights, but i just meant what legal rights would he have. And i do think it would be best for his dd to see both her parents, he hasnt done anything wrong apart from finally stand up to the woman who has emotionally crushed him.

FlaseFuckerSpider Tue 29-Oct-13 21:41:54

OP you sound like the friends of my exh. They hate me, except it is not me they hate, they hate a figment of their and exh's imagination.

caruthers Tue 29-Oct-13 21:44:45

I hope your friend and his child are reunited soon and he gets to continue his part of father.

If I have got any advice whatsoever...always put the child first even in the face of adversity, in the long run the child will thank you for it.

Bad fathers and controlling mothers are part of life, it's hard but make sure your friend becomes neither.

Good luck in supporting your friend.

WorraLiberty Tue 29-Oct-13 21:45:30

Hindsight is a wonderful thing I know, but he should have taken his DD with him when he left.

FlaseFuckerSpider Tue 29-Oct-13 21:45:39

The correct term, is contact between the child and the Father, please shift your focus off him and his rights.

WorriedFriend2013 Tue 29-Oct-13 21:46:41

forget it. You have obviously decided that its all his fault. All he wants is to see his child. He calls me in tears because he's heartbroken over not seeing her.

I cant help feeling that if a woman had gone through what he has been through with her, more people would be understanding of why he had to leave.

WorriedFriend2013 Tue 29-Oct-13 21:47:33

Thank you to those of you who have answered my questions. Much appreciated

WorraLiberty Tue 29-Oct-13 21:48:49

Worried just ignore the unhelpful comments and I'm sure someone will be along with some very good (and less biased) advice.

FlaseFuckerSpider Tue 29-Oct-13 21:50:16

If he is that distraught and suffering from abuse, he should visit his GP and get some professional help to deal with his emotions, to enable him to deal with the situation and being a Father.

I am sorry I am cautious of his story, I have been on the receiving end of people like him and you, when he and his friends were abusing me and he was refusing to see the children.

You can't fix this, he and his GP and legal team can, not you.

BruthasTortoise Tue 29-Oct-13 21:50:51

OP this will not end well. No one will believe that a man can be the vistim of domestic abuse or that a mother could possibly be in the wrong. I'll give it 10 minutes before you're accused of being the OW. FWIW advise your friend to see his solicitor ASAP and if necessary apply for residence of the child. Perpertrators of domestic abuse whatever their gender rarely make good resident parents and your friend has to put his daughter's safety first.

needaholidaynow Tue 29-Oct-13 21:51:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bellasuewow Tue 29-Oct-13 21:53:21

Worried you sound like a lovely friend but bear in mind that you are hearing one side of the story and he was with her for 4 years and had a baby with her so it can't have been all bad to be fair.

Altinkum Tue 29-Oct-13 21:53:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorriedFriend2013 Tue 29-Oct-13 21:55:53

flasefucker im sorry but i think you are projecting. he doesnt need help to deal with his emotions, he's upset because he hasnt seen his child for 4wks!! its perfectly natural for him to be upset!
and please dont start with 'people like me' you know zero about me.

Worra he has already said that he wishes he'd made more effort to keep his dd with him, but he thought he was doing the right thing, as he didnt want to cause a scene in front of his child. He also obviously didnt expect it to go down this road.

Sparklysilversequins Tue 29-Oct-13 21:55:55

Why on earth should he have taken his child with him? Worra you cannot possibly know from the limited information given who the child's main carer is and how damaging that could potentially be. HE left, he doesn't get to high handedly remove children too.

OP this sounds very hard for him and his dd but be careful of not knowing the full story. If he gets legal advice he will almost definitely get contact but the mother could still make it very difficult, it can be hard to get some parents to stick even to court ordered contact. Sad situation for the child.

moldingsunbeams Tue 29-Oct-13 21:56:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty Tue 29-Oct-13 21:57:28

Worried you sound like a lovely friend but bear in mind that you are hearing one side of the story and he was with her for 4 years and had a baby with her so it can't have been all bad to be fair.

Would you say the same to a woman who said she was suffering from abuse?

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot Tue 29-Oct-13 21:57:47

Flase - what do you mean "people like him and you"? Are you assuming the OP is lying and so is the father? Just because your ex and his friends/families acted unreasonably doesn't mean that all non resident fathers are the same. There are plenty of manipulative fathers out there but there are also plenty of spiteful Mothers too.

OP, your friend's ex can make accusations. Your friend need to deny them if they are not true. It is good that he is getting some legal help from a solicitor. Hopefully they can give him some advice on how to move forward. He could also look up Families Need Fathers and try to attend one of their meetings. They sometimes have solicitors who attend and offer pro bono advice. He may also meet other people who have experience of tackling an ex making false accusations and obstructing contact.

Good luck to him and I hope he manages to sort his relationship out with his child.

FlaseFuckerSpider Tue 29-Oct-13 21:58:25

You sound very angry OP. I wonder if a visit to the GP may help you with your emotions also? Yes it is normal to feel upset in a traumatic situation, which is not going to be for a baby, seeing Dad dripping in tears, he obviously needs some support. Supporting him is obviously having a negative impact on your emotions. You do know this will likely go on for about two years, by the time it is sorted in court?

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