Over ILs taking us away(232 Posts)
Okay, we tend not to go away with DD (1) as she doesn't sleep that well when we are away and is generally just much happier at home.
It was in the in laws wedding anniversary and they wanted to go away for a weekend to celebrate with the family. That is MIL's mum, DH, me and DD, their other son. It was to be in a hotel which we weren't mad keen on as DD won't go to sleep if we are in the room (meaning WTF do we do when she goes down for the night?). ILs know how she is. ILs are retired, but very young and active retired. Think golf/tennis everyday.
But fine, they wanted this weekend in this hotel, so we went along. They very kindly were paying. They said they really wanted this weekend to spend lots of time with DD. They live 5 mins along the road.
SO, on the Friday night they book dinner at 7pm in a pretty formal place in the hotel, expecting DD to join. We managed, but had to get her away early as she was so knackered. Then once she was tucked up in bed I had to sit on the hotel corridor reading a book whilst they all had drinks in the bar. We told them we would be down for breakfast with DD about 7.30 - 8.30. They said, oh well, we set our alarm for 8.30, we will see you later on in the day.
Saturday, they arrange sporting stuff to go an do and not stuff DD can come along for.
Then Saturday night they arrange a formal private dinner at 8pm. DD cannot come and is not the sort of baby that would sleep in the room in a buggy. So, I am pretty much pressurised into doing that phone monitor thing and I hated it, hated it. And then again, I have to sit in the corridor once dinner is over and they have drinks.
I thought it would have been nice to have a more relaxed early dinner that DD could have joined in on!
Same scenario at breakfast the next day.
So, it just leaves me wondering, why the fuck did they ask us, why did they want this 'family' weekend. I am not expecting people to bend over backwards to accomodate our somewhat rigid DD, but bloody nora, they hardly saw her and I spent alot of time camped out in a cold hotel corridor. Why bother?
AIBU, I think I may be a little as it was a nice thought to pay for us to go away with them, but it was a pretty hellish weekend all in all!
I understand OP.
There isn't an option for my DS to 'be a bit more flexible'. If he isn't in bed by 7 he is incredibly unsettled and will be distraught.
It won't be forever but he needs his bedtime to feel safe and secure and it's not fair on him to change that.
Sounds like a rubbish weekend all round. Shame they didn't share the times of the meals beforehand so you could have discussed what would be realistic for dd.
There is no way I would have left her in the hotel room on a monitor I agree.
Sorry it wasn't much fun, chalk it up and laugh about it in years to come.
I sympathise, my DS is 1 and will sleep in a travel cot now (albeit not all night but that's a different story) but there's no way he would stay asleep in a buggy in a restaurant. He wakes the second I stop pushing it and always has. I would have ended up doing a similar thing, and did when we took him away earlier in the year.
I'm praying that he gets more flexible as he gets older. I've tried for over year so I'm pretty certain that its him not me!
"How have I got to the stage my DD is so inflexible? Are you shitting me? How have I got to the stage? "
[strokes hair, makes soothing noises]
what is the DEAL with all these ILs who think that dragging everyone away to some hotel is the only way to celebrate? It's like the hen do bug has spread to the older generation. Book a table in that nice pub down the road, for heaven's sake, and be done with it.
Oh, and about babies who are flexible or not with sleep.
Here's how it works.
If you have a baby who will not sleep unless you soundproof a room with hand-packed snow, facing North, you will do this. Believe me, you will do this, you will do what it takes.
If, on the other hand, you are awarded a baby who will drift off to sleep in the middle of the landing while you run up and down the stairs with all your friends doing the conga, feel free to do this.
If, in the latter case, you go around telling everyone that your baby sleeps because you have always run up and downstairs with your friends doing the conga, you are an ARSE of the highest water. Your cause and effect is BACKWARDS
You have my sympathies op. Some children will happily snooze in their buggy with the world going on around them. This would have turned ds into an overtired wreck. Not pleasant for anyone. We would also have struggled with staying in the same room. Dh and I have had to sit in silence from 7pm in a hotel room before. It wasn't worth him being woken up and being miserable all the next day. I think people just forget what it is like.
If it makes you feel better ds is far more flexible and easy going at 2 years. Dc2 will sleep in a buggy or in our arms, anywhere and we can have full conversations/tv on and he won't even stir. Just different personalities.
I did say I might get shot down. I have had three kids and it wasn't all plain sailing and we had our fair share of shit weekends away. I suspect I might have forgotten. Selective memory is excellent. My baby is almost 16. Sometimes you have to chalk up these rubbish times to experience and move on. I am sympathetic honestly.
I agree with the person up thread who said they just don't remember the practicalities of dealing with a one year old.
I haven't wanted to stay in a hotel since DS hit one, he won't sleep out, he won't sleep in a room of we are in there. It's no fun at all.
I think they had good intentions but you probably need to be better at saying no, in future.
Sounds like a rubbish weekend, but it's nice that you made the effort to go.
I'm with you OP. Pushing any of my overtired kids round in a buggy at 1 would've resulted in thrashing screaming mayhem. Hours of it.
Sometimes being rigid and forgoing a social life is the only way to get a little bit of sleep.
We have bowed out of holidays with grandparents now. Up at 5.30am with a toddler, disturbed nights where the kids don't sleep well in a different place, feeling absolutely knackered and seeing everyone else appear at 10am bright eyed saying "oooh what shall we do today". It's nothing personal, I'm just too tired to attempt these "lovely holidays" that are ten times more exhausting than staying at home.
Did your DH not suggest some different options so that you could all be together?
You have my sympathy. My Dd was the worlds easiest baby and would literally sleep anywhere. I thought I had it all sussed until number 2 came along. He wouldn't sleep anywhere except in the cot and occasionally in the pram if being walked, as soon as I stopped he would wake. This meant at family parties as soon as he got tired I would end up in a dark room on my own pushing him. I can't imagine what he would have been like in a hotel then. They do get better though.
notonnelly- I understand. I have 2 children who just cannot cope with lots of things
Everyone thinks it is something you have done or done wrong but mine are just like that
I did lots with them but it all ended badly
You have to adapt to children like this
My son did turn out to have aspergers but not diagnosed for years- not that I am suggesting for a moment yours has it, just that what children can cope with varies and it is not fair to jump on the parent
The weekend sounds terrible and you are not being unreasonable
Surely you discussed the practical side and the plans with the in laws before going? If you didnt how were they to know it didnt fit in?
Sounds like a bloody awful weekend. I would have been in a complete rage, after the first night I would have told them dinner needed to be earlier. Did your dh not say anything when they booked sporting activities?
My own parents and inlaws often don't get that I need my boys evening meal to be not later than 6pm as they are all usually in bed at 7ish (think vile gremlins when up past 7.30pm).
That wasn't much fun. But its over now. just try and say no thank you next time they suggest it. Or get in first by booking a cottage with a spare bedroom and inviting them to join you for a night or two.
I have memories of a similar sort of weekend when DS was 18 months. He wouldn't sleep in the buggy if there was anything even remotely interesting going on either. Thankfully hotel was small enough that our baby monitor from home worked in the dining room. But it took an age to settle him in a strange cot. And Inlaws were a bit miffed that the hotel gave us a nicer room than them (ours was big enough for cot and cat swinging, theirs was not)
You know your dd, and she doesn't do random, change or go with the flow. She likes her routine, and not 'surprises' when it comes to where she stays/sleeps.
Once you know her, know her little foibles, it gets easier, the more she can communicate with you, the easier it gets to work within the parameters of your life and hers.
Trust your instincts and defend the way you know what works. You went on that weekend in good faith, in future you can say that you'll meet them for lunch or tea or something, but that hotel stays'd be better later on.
Fwiw, my DS is nearly 8. Going to a hotel would still be hard for me, as he goes to bed before I do, and indeed, wth do I do when he does?
I'd prefer 2 rooms, it'd be easier. I spent an hour sat on the hotel rooms loo when DS was 18m, waiting for him to sleep. Grim.
I must admit that I have never suggested a weekend away with extended family to celebrate an event, especially a wedding anniversary. Your description sounds very much that it was the in laws ideal weekend with you all tagging along and having to fit in. Really they should have gone by themselves.
I must remember not to do this sort of thing to my children.
Yes my dd is the same.
After four I used to secretly chuckle at these inflexible parents who lived around their offsprings naps and meals but then came dc 5 who even now at two needs a regular routine and won't sleep anywhere but a quiet dark room after a bath and with all her props.
It just happens.
If it helps my in laws behaved the same way after insisting we went away. Hardly saw the kids and did their own thing.
At least you will know for next time.
It was 'their' weekend, they are perfectly aware of DD and her quirks and they knew it was going to be a challenge for us. We were told we would be having a family meal together on the saturday night in a private room. I stupidly thought it would be early, only found out the plan when we got there. I did question what I was meant to do with DD and got told about the phone monitor thing. I didn't push it after that - as I said it was their weekend. But, it was them that were so desperate for DD to be there, so it just surprised me that she wasn't really included in so many things.
And yes yes to the PP who said about 5.30am starts! I was muttering darkly when the three of us were up in the morning before cbeebies even started!
I'd be more pissed off with your DH than your inlaws, TBH. They tried to do a nice thing - booked and paid for a weekend away. They weren't to know how inflexible your DC is, or how hard to settle in a strange room. They maybe thought you'd arrange a sitter. But your DH left you to sit in the corridor for two nights on the trot...
I don't understand the previous post saying that sitting in the corridor was utter madness and martyrish. If baby understandably for a 1 yo wouldn't go to sleep with you in the room then you didn't have a choice. Surely letting the child scream through the dinner upsetting other diners, or stay awake in the hotel room until very late, would be reven more crazy?
I suppose part of me is a little hurt on DD's behalf (silly I know). They kept on going on about how much they love her and really really wanted this weekend away with their one and only grandchild and then they made no efforts what so ever to spend time with her! In fact they made arrangement that excluded her. Why bother?!
My mum isn't really bothered about my DS's routine, which drives me nuts. His 'inflexibility' means we all get some sleep and don't suffer through screaming night terrors. It was kind of the in laws to want to invite you, but people over 50 don't seem to remember or care what it's like to have really little kids. You've just got to sod 'em and do what suits you.
Agent No need to be pissed off at DH, none at all. He offered lots and lots to sit in the corridor, but it was his parent's celebratory weekend, so I insisted he went and had drinks with them! And they do know what a tricky customer DD can be, fully aware. I would understand the weekend more if they didn't, but they do and perhaps I should have put that in my OP, my mistake.
YANBU sounds like was a crap time for you and a bit of a waste of money for them to pay for you to sit in a corridor... I would not have been happy about using listening in service either. It sounds to me like they were well intentioned, they wanted you there but sounds like they didn't really think about the practicalities.
Our DD is also a massive fan of routine (also 1), people say can you not push her in the buggy, drive her in the car, settle her in the bed with you then leave her? No, no and no she likes to be in a bed(preferably her own), in the dark, left in peace. Some children are more flexible, my nephew can sleep anywhere and it being noisy doesn't bother him at all. Everyone is different.
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