to be so angry? mum 'can't remember' if I had chickenpox or not

[dreamingbohemian]

Okay I have a rather fraught relationship with my mother so am prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable.

My DS has just come down with chickenpox. As it happens, my parents are visiting. I asked them what I looked like when I had it, and my stepfather says, Oh you never had chickenpox, you had measles.

Well, this was news to me! My mother has always regaled me with stories about how awful I looked when I had chickenpox, how the family called me Spot, etc.

Now she says, oh right, it was measles. She 'can't remember' if I also had chickenpox.

AIBU or is this total bullshit? My reasons for being angry are:

1. I took no precautions re CP when I was pregnant because I thought I'd already had it.

1. I spend a lot of time with the ILs which includes tiny babies and now a pregnant SIL -- now that I know I might get it from my son, I won't go near them, but I would have seen them this week otherwise and could have been infectious.

1. I could have got the vaccine myself years ago, or gotten one for DS. Now I just have to wait and see if I get it too in the next week.

I know normally chickenpox is no big deal, I'm not freaking out or anything, but it can indeed be serious sometimes and I'm just so angry that my mum has never mentioned anything or thought about it. She does know the risks because now she's super worried about DS, so I don't know what her deal is.

AIBU to be angry?

[bundaberg]

yabu

she made a mistake. she thought you'd had it because she remembered you being spotty.

i can understand why you are upset, but really, everyone makes mistakes. there are plenty of things I don't remember about ds1's first few years and he's only 8

[lizzzyyliveson]

Do you have siblings? Sometimes memories get confused over time. You think that one child did x but then someone else remembers that no, it was y. You are right to be concerned for your health, but not to be angry. No one can help their memory letting them down.

[edwinbear]

I was exposed to chickenpox when I was pregnant and my mum couldn't remember whether I had it as a child either. So I had a simple blood test done at the GP's which showed I had. It was a long time ago, I wasn't annoyed with my mum. YABU.

[NotYoMomma]

well it sounds as if she did think you had chicken pox for a long while and only when your dad mentioned it was measles had an 'oh yeah!' moment.

rather than deliberately lying to you.

withoit knowing the history I woukd say yab a bit u

• people in my family seem to get it twice anyway, and I gor mumps a while ago despite being vaccinated.

I think you are getting rather angry to be writing bullet points over something like that

[RoxanneReidsChafingFishnets]

Just sounds like a mistake.

My mum forgets things too. She couldn't remember my birth weight the other week.

[Clowdy]

I have a 3 children - I remember the oldest having chicken pox - for some reason, I have no recollection of whether the middle one has had it - he's 7!! I think you're over-reacting - many people don't know about their childhood illnesses. It's understandable that you feel like this though if you have a difficult relationship with your mum.

[Groovee]

You can get a blood test done at the GP to see if you have had it if it's not in your medical notes.

I do think you are over reacting and maybe it's to do with your relationship with your mother.

[DameDeepRedBetty]

My mum couldn't remember exactly which ones of us had had which childhood diseases either. You don't say whether or not you have siblings, but it does rather blend into a blur of snot, coughs, temperatures and rashes once the infant and child days are past.

[morethanpotatoprints]

YABU but you are worried so fair enough.
I can just about remember what mine have had but sometimes I have to think which one had a specific thing. Mine are 22, 18, 9.
I know you hear of people who have complications but putting it into perspective they seem to be quite rare.
All 3 of ours had them and ds2 was a very poorly child, caught them when a few weeks old and was certainly no worse than the other 2 were.

[BigBoobiedBertha]

YABU.

It is an easy mistake to make but why are you so sure that your step dad was right and your mother was wrong? Maybe she was right and your step father being sure you had measles may have swayed her. Isn't measles a rash rather than spots too? I reckon you had chickenpox if you really were spotty.

I think in this case the only crime she can be convicted of is being confused.

[roguepixie]

Yabu. It really does sound like your Mum made a mistake.

My DMum couldn't remember if I had it. I finally got it age 32, whilst DS got it a year later.

[BigBoobiedBertha]

Just to say, my mother doesn't remember me ever being ill as a child. I remember some horrible colds but she said we never got them. I don't hold it against her although it was slightly annoying when my DC got colds and minor bugs as babies to be told that I was always so much healthier. I probably wasn't.

I would suggest it is easy to forget chickenpox because quite often children aren't actually very ill. Apart from the spots, it is a bit of a non-event for many.

[myBOYSareBONKERS]

I think this goes deeper than just her not remembering what you had. If it was just that then YABU.

However I think it is more to do with the feelings of her not caring enough to remember - in which case YANBU.

[LIZS]

yabu . Spotty rashes were more common in past than now and one can look like another. If she had more than one child histories can be confused. It is only infectious just before spots appear so chances of you being contagious yet are slim. You still have time to have a blood test if it is that important to you but you may well have had it so mildly before now that you/she didn't realise

[WooWooOwl]

I agree that it sounds like there is more to this than just chicken pox, but just going on that, YABU.

If you had known that you hadn't had it, would you really have gone and got yourself vaccinated before you TTC? Was the vaccine even available then anyway?

Parents need to be forgiven for minor mistakes - as parents ourselves I'd have thought that was what we all hoped for!

[cory]

It depends on which part of the question you want us to answer:

AYBU to feel upset about your fraught relationship with your mother- YAAbsolutelyNBU

AYBU to feel upset if a parent gets a bit muddled over events which happened half a lifetime ago- afraid YABU

my children are only teens but there are already things about their childhood which I can't remember, and who had which illness when is definitely one of them

[ShatnersEmptyCatacomb]

YABU. It's a simple mistake to make. Memories get muddled.

[squoosh]

YABU

It was a spotty illness decades ago. Easy mistake to make.

[Jan49]

YABU

I have a young adult son. When he was small he appeared to have chicken pox twice. As you are supposed to keep an infected person away from public areas and not see a doctor unless there's a problem, I didn't see a doctor until he continued to have sore places some weeks after the second bout. The doctor then said she couldn't say if it was chicken pox or not. It may have been eczema. So my ds may have had it twice or never.

[ShoeWhore]

YANBU to be upset about your relationship with your dm, not at all.

But I think it's understandable that she might not remember exactly what childhood infectious diseases you caught - don't forget there were a lot more of them around in the past. I had mumps, german measles (rubella) and suspected measles as well as chicken pox, whereas my children have only had chicken pox out of that lot.

[WorraLiberty]

YABU

You should take precautions anyway, especially when pregnant.

I've had chicken pox 3 times.

[Doodledumdums]

I think you are over-reacting a little bit, but I do understand why you are annoyed. My MIL can't remember whether my DH has had CP or not, and I find it really irritating that she doesn't know, especially as whenever I mention it she just says 'No he won't have had it, he was well looked after and a very healthy child,' oh yes, because we all know it is only unhealthy, neglected children who get chicken pox

[dreamingbohemian]

Interesting, thanks

I'm an only child and was hardly ever sick so it just seems strange to me that she wouldn't remember.

I didn't know you could get a blood test, thanks

I do have issues with her generally and I accept that's clouding things. I feel like I can't really trust her or rely on her, based on a whole long history of nonsense I won't bore you with.

I also feel it's a bit hypocritical on her part as she's a total germophobe, has no problem criticising me for using the wrong soap or not washing my hands 20 times a day, but she can't be bothered to remember something like this. Maybe that's unfair though.

[DropYourSword]

I would have thought you would have been checked for chicken pox immunity during your pregnancy OP. It was standard in hospitals I've worked in. If you went immune they should have mentioned it.

Why not go to GP and get tested for immunity. It could be your stepfather whose got it mistaken rather than your mum. Pretty easy to get confused or forget things that happened many years ago.