I am sitting here crying and I have no hope, I don't have anybody to talk to as I have no friends at all and I know I never will have. I don't know where to start, basically I have anxiety and depression and I feel as though I have no future, I probably won't ever be a mum (which makes me desperately sad) and I probably won't ever have a job or friends or any sort of normal life. I'm in my late twenties and its too late for me now, I have no work experience or qualifications so even if I miraculously got better, nobody would hire me. But that's beside the point as I can't see myself ever being in the position where I'd be able to speak to people and actually go into work or go to appointments. I just feel like there's no point. I live with my boyfriend and he suffers with depression himself but despite this, he hasn't got a lot of sympathy, he gets into really horrid moods and says quite hurtful things and then as quickly as he gets into these moods he suddenly gets out of it without a sorry or any acknowledgement of what he's said, and he expects me to just forget and get on with it. I know it's because of his depression so I try to be understanding and I know it's not his fault he has dark moods, but I'm not allowed to show my feelings around him as it will trigger one of his moods, he gets mad or ignores me if I cry (even if I go off to the bathroom quietly so he won't know, if he notices he gets huffy) if I'm anxious or worried he tells me I have to snap out of it, he said it today and I said to him "how would you feel if I told you to snap out of your depression" (I didn't mean that I would ever tell him to snap out of it as it feels horrible to be told that) he got really angry and said how his ex wife used to tell him that and made me feel horrible, he told me I could fuck off if I was going to say that to him! I tried to explain that I was asking him to put himself in my shoes when he says that to me but he just carried on effing and jeffing to himself as if he couldn't hear me (he does that a lot...and twists things I've said, although I don't think he does it on purpose) he told me he didn't want to be with me (but, again he says that every time he has one of these moods) and that I'm too much trouble. I can't go out anywhere without him but to be fair he says he wouldn't let me anyway even if I wanted to! Also when I am feeling depressed and I'm finding it difficult to keep it in, like saturday when I couldn't find it in me to get out of bed, I try so hard to still be nice when he speaks to me but he keeps asking me if I'm still in a pissy mood, I tell him in a polite way I'm not pissy just having a bad day...but 10 minutes later, he asks if I'm still pissy and when I'm going to snap out of it! And he turns it into something it isn't, like Saturday, he thought I was in bed because I didn't want to be with him anymore I tried so many times to tell him I do want to be with him, and it had nothing to do with that but he ignored me each time and carried on saying he'd help me pack my things and threatening to take me to my parents house. He got in a huge mood and I had to force myself to pretend I was ok. He gives me mixed messages too, he tells me how he'd love to have children with me one minute but the next dashes my hopes completely, I feel like I'll never be a mum and I feel so empty and sad inside. The way Im describing it, it sounds like a horrible environment for a child, I know, but it isn't always this way....but I know it's not suitable and I'll never have children and I'll be too old soon anyway. I have posted here before wondering whether it would even be fair to have children considering my MH but when I was writing that, I was in denial about my partner wanting a family with me, he chops and changes his mind and I stupidly live in lala land and go along with his good moods, ignoring the bad as I'm so desperate. This is why I was so depressed on the weekend as I came to the realisation that I'd never have children and that my partner would never want a family with me. I even accept him lying to me about pretty major things and ignore it when I know he's lying as I don't want to rock the boat or upset him. I've wasted my entire life and I have no future. I didn't intend to spend this entire time complaining about my partner, I know it's not fair to talk about him this way and I love him so much, he's the only one outside of my family who I've been able to actually speak to comfortably but I feel like he doesn't respect me and therefore doesn't respect my mental illness, it might be due to him being older (he does talk to me like a child sometimes, he makes all the decisions and he doesn't listen to me or respect my opinion) or maybe (probably) I don't deserve respect, it feels as though he belittles my feelings as if its a competition between us who has the worst MH issues and because I can't see my dr and so also don't take medication I must be well. I don't even know if he loves me I don't think he does but I love him and I'll look after him however I can and couldn't bear the thought of not being with him and not knowing whether he was ok and if he was lonely. I just want him to love me and care about me and want to be with me, he doesn't even really want to have sex, i don't have anything he wants. After his mood today, he went out its been a couple of hours now and he's just texted me in a normal cheery way while I've been upset and alone but i have to reply and hide my feelings or he will go back into his mood and threaten to break up with me again and that's the worst thing, it kills me though that he doesn't care how I feel or just doesn't want to know about it so he never will know and I'll keep it inside. Sorry I know it's too long for most people to want to read especially seeing as people don't come on here to be moaned at, but I have no one to open up to and even if nobody reads this, at least I've let it out now. And this isn't a suicidal post, I don't have the guts to do that, I'm just trapped in this life. Sorry everyone.
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