AIBU to just give up(67 Posts)
I am sitting here crying and I have no hope, I don't have anybody to talk to as I have no friends at all and I know I never will have. I don't know where to start, basically I have anxiety and depression and I feel as though I have no future, I probably won't ever be a mum (which makes me desperately sad) and I probably won't ever have a job or friends or any sort of normal life. I'm in my late twenties and its too late for me now, I have no work experience or qualifications so even if I miraculously got better, nobody would hire me. But that's beside the point as I can't see myself ever being in the position where I'd be able to speak to people and actually go into work or go to appointments. I just feel like there's no point. I live with my boyfriend and he suffers with depression himself but despite this, he hasn't got a lot of sympathy, he gets into really horrid moods and says quite hurtful things and then as quickly as he gets into these moods he suddenly gets out of it without a sorry or any acknowledgement of what he's said, and he expects me to just forget and get on with it. I know it's because of his depression so I try to be understanding and I know it's not his fault he has dark moods, but I'm not allowed to show my feelings around him as it will trigger one of his moods, he gets mad or ignores me if I cry (even if I go off to the bathroom quietly so he won't know, if he notices he gets huffy) if I'm anxious or worried he tells me I have to snap out of it, he said it today and I said to him "how would you feel if I told you to snap out of your depression" (I didn't mean that I would ever tell him to snap out of it as it feels horrible to be told that) he got really angry and said how his ex wife used to tell him that and made me feel horrible, he told me I could fuck off if I was going to say that to him! I tried to explain that I was asking him to put himself in my shoes when he says that to me but he just carried on effing and jeffing to himself as if he couldn't hear me (he does that a lot...and twists things I've said, although I don't think he does it on purpose) he told me he didn't want to be with me (but, again he says that every time he has one of these moods) and that I'm too much trouble. I can't go out anywhere without him but to be fair he says he wouldn't let me anyway even if I wanted to! Also when I am feeling depressed and I'm finding it difficult to keep it in, like saturday when I couldn't find it in me to get out of bed, I try so hard to still be nice when he speaks to me but he keeps asking me if I'm still in a pissy mood, I tell him in a polite way I'm not pissy just having a bad day...but 10 minutes later, he asks if I'm still pissy and when I'm going to snap out of it! And he turns it into something it isn't, like Saturday, he thought I was in bed because I didn't want to be with him anymore I tried so many times to tell him I do want to be with him, and it had nothing to do with that but he ignored me each time and carried on saying he'd help me pack my things and threatening to take me to my parents house. He got in a huge mood and I had to force myself to pretend I was ok. He gives me mixed messages too, he tells me how he'd love to have children with me one minute but the next dashes my hopes completely, I feel like I'll never be a mum and I feel so empty and sad inside. The way Im describing it, it sounds like a horrible environment for a child, I know, but it isn't always this way....but I know it's not suitable and I'll never have children and I'll be too old soon anyway. I have posted here before wondering whether it would even be fair to have children considering my MH but when I was writing that, I was in denial about my partner wanting a family with me, he chops and changes his mind and I stupidly live in lala land and go along with his good moods, ignoring the bad as I'm so desperate. This is why I was so depressed on the weekend as I came to the realisation that I'd never have children and that my partner would never want a family with me. I even accept him lying to me about pretty major things and ignore it when I know he's lying as I don't want to rock the boat or upset him. I've wasted my entire life and I have no future. I didn't intend to spend this entire time complaining about my partner, I know it's not fair to talk about him this way and I love him so much, he's the only one outside of my family who I've been able to actually speak to comfortably but I feel like he doesn't respect me and therefore doesn't respect my mental illness, it might be due to him being older (he does talk to me like a child sometimes, he makes all the decisions and he doesn't listen to me or respect my opinion) or maybe (probably) I don't deserve respect, it feels as though he belittles my feelings as if its a competition between us who has the worst MH issues and because I can't see my dr and so also don't take medication I must be well. I don't even know if he loves me I don't think he does but I love him and I'll look after him however I can and couldn't bear the thought of not being with him and not knowing whether he was ok and if he was lonely. I just want him to love me and care about me and want to be with me, he doesn't even really want to have sex, i don't have anything he wants. After his mood today, he went out its been a couple of hours now and he's just texted me in a normal cheery way while I've been upset and alone but i have to reply and hide my feelings or he will go back into his mood and threaten to break up with me again and that's the worst thing, it kills me though that he doesn't care how I feel or just doesn't want to know about it so he never will know and I'll keep it inside. Sorry I know it's too long for most people to want to read especially seeing as people don't come on here to be moaned at, but I have no one to open up to and even if nobody reads this, at least I've let it out now. And this isn't a suicidal post, I don't have the guts to do that, I'm just trapped in this life. Sorry everyone.
That's really good that the CBT was having an effect - presumably that means if you get some help, it'll have an effect once again.
Funky, if meeting people is difficult for you, are you able to talk on the phone or access support via the internet?
Some GPs do phone consultations, and there are good charities out there. Mind and the Samaritans spring to mind and I am sure there are others too.
Keep posting here too. Getting down is a good way to begin.
I hope you get the support you need. Xp
Hello OP Devils puts it so succinctly.
Your dp may not be a bad person and you may end up together in the long term, but for now you are both drowning and no use to each other or yourselves.
They say absence makes the heart grow stronger, so why not give it a go.
Did you previously have a good relationship with your parents? Could you go back to get some support and to help you get your feet back on the ground?
I think you know this isn't right and it can be hard to make those first few steps, but once you do a whole new world opens up.
Are you agoraphobic, are you going at all atm?
Getting it down in words was what I meant sorry
If you report your post (look to the right of the bar above each of your posts - where your name is
FunkyDiamonds Mon 28-Oct-13 14:57:52 Add message | Report | Message poster
click report and ask for it to be moved.
Reading your post is so sad! I've felt like this before too and I have to tell you it can get better! Thing is you need to take the first steps to try. You really do need to go back to your GP's, they're there to help and they really won't mind what state you're in. I've had so many break downs in my drs I've lost count!
It really sounds as if your relationship is bringing you down. You need to worry about yourself more - what's your relationship like with your parents? It might be best to move back in with them to gain some space to concentrate on you for a while. On the other hand maybe if you can get yourself to the drs your BF would take your MH more seriously.
There's no such thing as too late. You said you're early 20's so you have so much time ahead of you. Please don't stress about that, just take each thing as it comes, start with making yourself feel better now and the future will seem brighter.
Feel better! And come and talk to us more
One thing that really stood out for me is that you said that you can't go out without him and he says he wouldn't let you anyway. What's that about?
I also wanted to let you know that things can get better, even though sometimes it feels impossible.
Click on the Report link above your post and then explain.
There won't be a problem.
hi, i just read your post and it made me so sad, that someone in their late 20s could be so trapped and feel like they've left everything too late.
you are YOUNG, please remind yourself of that, please dont waste another year of your life living with someone who "wouldn't let you out anyway even if you wanted to".
your relationship sounds so one-sided, you deserve and need support yourself.
you can get help, get better, get a job, get an education, become a mum, do anything you want to do.
i'm sure that achieving all of that sounds totally overwhelming, but it can all be achieved slowly, over years and years.
could you email your GP the whole situation, then they'll understand how hard a visit to the surgery would be, but also that you need some help.
you sound so lovely, constantly putting your partner first, and wanting to look after him. you are obviously a very kind and self-less person. you would no doubt make a wonderful mum as you are so keen to put others before yourself.
changing your life so it doesn't continue like this is going to need some effort from you though - are you up for that?
I agree email your dr that way you can put down everything that is wrong much more clearly than you would probably say it if feeling nervous. You should tell them about your history with the other dr and about not having any family support apart from your DP who is also I'll and not supportive.
I'm sorry but I think your biggest problem is your boyfriend. The majority of your bad feelings stem from his treatment of you.
Please read your post back to yourself.
If you can find the strength and support to walk away from this relationship I think you will see how much better life can be.
At 29 you still have so much life ahead of you. Nothing is too late - work, children all still possible.
You just need help right now to get out of this dysfunctional relationship. Please help yourself by talking to someone, family? GP? Mind? as others have suggested. It is all good advice.
It's good you've written your post. Countless people will support you here while you think this through.
Would it be possible to return to your family? Moving back might be the best thing for you to get away from him.
Please don't kid yourself that he loves you. He doesn't care a jot about your well being. Take care.
I changed my life when I was late 20s/early 30s. It can be done. Where there's life there's hope!
You need to leave your partner. He doesn't sound good for you. Quite the opposite.
Use all the facilities you can - your GP, Mind, the Samaritans, posting here - to gather your thoughts, reinforce positive steps and allow yourself a perceptual shift.
You can do it
The only way for me to see my family is for my partner to take me or for them to pick me up, I don't drive and I have never gotten public transport alone. I couldn't stay there for long as there isn't any room. I have a good relationship with my parents but there are members of my family who I do not speak and and even if I did go to live with my parents, this would probably have a negative affect on my depression. I do keep in contact with my family though. I am on ESA and I am in a work related scheme, but my advisor allows me to just contact through email due to my anxiety. I have started trying to write bulletpoints about what I want to say in my email to mind as I think that will be a manageable step to take. I have been with my partner for 4 years, he's my first proper boyfriend (due to me not leaving the house). He has just come home, I thought he was happier after he texted me, but he isn't. He saw me sitting on the bed and then shut the bedroom door without saying a word to me.
Other people have give good advice re depression.
My mum was only a chamber maid in a foreign country at the age of 28, with no qualifications from school and chucked out of home at 18 so no support there either. At 30 she became a ski instructor having only skied for 2 years, then she ran a nightclub from 32-37, then at 38 she returned home with nothing after she got into trouble and then she set up her own business. She then finally met someone. She had her only child (me!) at 42 and brought me up on her own as my dad left before I was born. My mum has mental health problems around anxiety/depression and was on meds for years. BUT she has managed to make an awesome life for herself and when the good times were good they were great.
Anything can happen, but you do have to find a way fight the depression with counselling, meds and fighting the terrible urge to stay in bed or worse end it all. Also life can begin at any age. Have a lurk on some of the boards here - some women escape 30 year abusive marriages and their lives begin at 50 or 60 years old. You are not alone and people here will listen and give advice.
Hope you come back on this thread or mums net generally. Good luck op.
could you email your parents and ask them to come and visit you?
you are so good at getting your thoughts and feelings down on paper, as is evident from this thread, maybe you could open up to them and ask them to come and visit?
it is heartbreaking to think of how you're feeling and your partner just ignores you and shuts the door.
he just doesn't care about you at all.
you are there worrying about him, hoping he'd come home happier, and he just shuts you in the bedroom.
its so hurtful, this kind of treatment must be making your anxiety so much worse.
I think it would also be a good idea for you to also email women's aid. Perhaps there are ways they too can help you.
Take advantage of him having shut the door - keep concentrating on yourself and getting the help you deserve!
Having depression does not make someone mean & nasty. They're very, very different things.
Having depression does not make someone mean & nasty. They're very, very different things.
You say late twenties? I was 34 & 36 when had my kids. Have I missed a medical condition in all your post? I know women in 40s with babies to. So, put that way your potentially only half way through!
I would suggest LTB tho. Life might be crap but I think he's making it a darn sight harder than it needs to be.
I have been where you are (minus the not so DP)
Couldn't go outside, couldn't speak to people, had panic attacks right left and centre... I thought I'd never get better and I wanted to die.
What helped me was;
Taking anti d's
Lots and lots of CBT
Taking pride in the little things I did manage to do (posting on here is something you should feel proud about) as opposed to all the things I couldn't do, IYSWIM?
Sleep, lots of it
It does sound like your DP is exacerbating your anxiety.
And bit by bit I got better.
You can too but you are going to have to be brave and get to your GP. Writing everything down before I went helped me as without pointers I just wept at every appointment.
All the very best, you can have the life you want if you fight really hard for it.
Some people suffer from depression and some people are are knobs.
The two aren't related . he is a knob. Leave him. And you won't have kids if you stay with him, he's wasting your your time.
Get yourself back in to education get a job you feel good about and can support yourself and a child on.
You don't need a man for children
Education can be one or two classes in rl and university online
It's not too late for anything, FunkyDiamonds. You've still got most of your life ahead of you. More about that in a min.
It's easy to put up with bad treatment from a partner when you have anxiety and depression, as it's so hard to work out if you deserve better. So, for now, rather than asking yourself 'Do I deserve this,' which risks sending you into a fog of self-blame, ask yourself 'Would I treat someone like that?' 'Do I respect people who treat others like that?' 'Would I approve of a stranger who treats his partner like that?'
I'm sure your answers to all those questions would be 'No.' Because you're clearly a kind, compassionate, caring person with values and empathy.
You both have depression, but you don't treat him like crap and undermine his confidence, do you? So his depression's no excuse. Especially since you're bending over backwards to please him. What do you get in return? You're clearly tolerant and accommodating, but it doesn't sound as though he deserves you to be so tolerant of his nonsense. It is perfectly fair for you to talk about him in this way. It would be perfectly fair if you called him all the names under the sun, quite frankly.
It worries me that this is your first serious relationship, and that he's older than you. You feel you couldn't manage without him, but that is because he has emotionally abused you and cruelly taken away your confidence and made you dependent on him.
You're still young. I felt my life was over and that it was too late for anything good to happen when I was in my late 20s, after an abusive relationship. I couldn't work due to anxiety and depression, and thought I never would again; I thought it was too late to meet someone and sort my life out in time to have kids, I thought I'd never sort anything out. I'm 38 now and my life is a million times better, even though I still have anxiety and depression on and off and possibly will have all my life. I'd like to have a nice partner, (and have had some good and bad relationships over the years) but I'm grateful every day that I'm in charge of my own life without some fuckwit putting me down and making me feel like shit. How dare he? I've still got no kids, but it's still not too late even at my age, and if it doesn't happen I can still be happy.
And so can you. I know it's really hard to make friends when you're feeling like this, because it's so hard to find the confidence to meet people. Posting on here is a brilliant start though, because it's social contact with nice people, which should help your confidence and help you realise that you are a lovely person who people will respond positively to.
OP, believe me you are not too old for any of the things you list in your post.
You are a few months away from realising your goals all it needs is for you to believe and set the wheels in motion.
Have been where you are my love, now it is a distant memory, but most of it I don't remember.
There are lots of caring and helpful people on here who can help you, please keep posting.
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