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I need some perspective on this, are they unreasonable or are we?

(65 Posts)
curiousgeorgie Sun 27-Oct-13 21:26:28

I've kind of written about this before, then it escalated and escalated and now it's just ridiculous.

DH's brother and his (then) fiancée were getting married abroad in a big huge wedding (where she's from and where her family all live.)

After a really hard road to conceive and with help from the wonderful Mr Shehata, I was pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

With the cost, the baby and the fact I was going to be having a c section, we thought it a bit difficult to attend.

Back and forths (many Many arguments) and them asking DH to be best man and our older DD to be a flower girl we thought it would be irreparable to our relationship if we didn't go, so suggested to them that we would arrive the Thursday evening, have the wedding on the Friday, then fly home Saturday morning, leaving newborn DD2 with my parents for as little time as possible.

They said this was unacceptable, and that due to a wedding rehearsal, we all had to come Tuesday.

My DH is a self employed contractor so doesn't get paid if he doesn't work, and had already planned to have some time off when the baby was born / work from home so couldn't take the piss. (And we couldn't afford it!)

They countered that they had come away to our wedding.. But we had paid for them and there hadn't been any children involved at the time.

It became ridiculous, they told everyone I had called her a bad mum (which I would never) and spread a few more rumours. Then refused to speak to us... For about three months.

During this time we didn't see them or their son, or DH's parents at all (who they were living with.)

I ended up in hospital with a few pregnancy problems and DH sent them a message saying how ill I was and that we missed them and it was all so stressful, and they ignored it.

I had my baby, and messaged them and sent them a picture, and they ignored it.

My baby has been Very difficult. And I've suffered from postnatal depression, and still do.

Two days before the wedding DH heard that a guy that hates him was now being best man and was planning to make some jokes about him in the speech and got really upset, which is totally uncharacteristic of him, so I bit the bullet, asked my mum to have my baby, and we flew there and went to the wedding.

It was awful, the jokes happened, we were seated with some of her cousins who clearly made their thoughts known and it was just a very awkward day. We told her at the reception she looked beautiful, great wedding and she said how brilliant it was that we had come.

So, once we were home, we thought everything would improve, but it's now been three more months and my baby is now 4 months old and they still hasn't spoken to us, continued to spread rumours, and make things difficult.

I got an unexpected email from her today saying that DH's parents want us to get together for a Christmas Day (a few days before as she's going home to her family.)

I replied saying that to be honest, after not seeing each other or speaking for basically three months, wouldn't it be a little strange to just all get together for a Christmas Day? What with the totally hurtful situation with my baby, the wedding and the rumours and lies (all over a rehearsal!!) if they were willing to apologise, we'll drop it and we can talk about Christmas.

She said absolutely no way will she apologise and that she'll happily go back to silence, and they'll have Christmas without us.

So, stalemate.

We uses to be so close, the fact it, I miss her, DH misses his family, our nephew has no idea who we are and my DD (and new baby) never see that side of the family.

But we feel so hurt. Over a rehearsal!!!

Should we just drop this? Go to Christmas and grit our teeth? AWBU? Or are they?

Sorry it's long!!

Caitlin17 Sun 27-Oct-13 22:15:16

They sound awful. Going there will be expensive, stressful and exhausting. Stay at home and have a nice day with your own family.

VisualiseAHorse Sun 27-Oct-13 22:15:16

Look at your relationship with them.

What are YOU getting from it? Are you getting love, respect, trust, friends...? Doesn't sound like it to me.

I'd say "sod them" and move on. Concentrate on the family and people who do love and want you. Everyone else can bog off.

Be civil and polite if and when they want to chat to you again. But I wouldn't waste anther second on them if I were you.

Caitlin17 Sun 27-Oct-13 22:15:39

They sound awful. Going there will be expensive, stressful and exhausting. Stay at home and have a nice day with your own family.

Sparklyboots Sun 27-Oct-13 22:17:12

I remember your earlier thread! Gosh, they are rather toxic, this lot. Talk us through what you get out of 'mending' the relationship? And talk us through what you get out of giving up on it and focusing on beneficial new ones? We should assume that they won't change their positions in relation to the last year because they are the embodiment of cuntishness

Sorry to hear that you pg didn't go well, how is the baby now?

Backinthering Sun 27-Oct-13 22:17:40

My god, you are so well shot of the lot of them!

lljkk Sun 27-Oct-13 22:18:00

I remember some of the earlier threads by OP on this.
I don't know what you do, but big distancing in order I thinks.

SaigonSaigon Sun 27-Oct-13 22:18:00

Awful situation, and these people sound unbelievably toxic. If I were you, I'd concentrate on you and your DH's relationship. Forget an apology from these people, I'm sure it would be meaningless anyway from them, but think about Xmas for your DH's sake and use it to bide your time over how you see the future with (or without) these people. Keep an open mind, but if nothing improves and they continue to be hideous, be prepared to stay away. At least you'd have tried.

Xmasbaby11 Sun 27-Oct-13 22:21:46

I can only echo what others have said and confirm that these people are horrible. I would not want them in my life.

48th Sun 27-Oct-13 22:25:10

My family is tiny, there are not many examples that make me think this sad. Choose people to share your life with, no one who behaves like this is worth cring for. You are mourning the people you hoped they were.

SirChenjin Sun 27-Oct-13 22:26:19

Nope, these are not nice people - in fact, they sound pretty vile.

I can understand that this must be horrible for you and incredibly hurtful, but you owe them nothing. Stick 2 fingers up to them (metaphorically or otherwise...), stay at home, and enjoy Christmas with your own wee family.

NK5BM3 Sun 27-Oct-13 22:28:45

They sound like my sil and bil. They organised their wedding at the same time we were due dc2. They knew our due date and yet deliberately chose that weekend. Even made dh the best man... As if that would make me delay the arrival of baby. We live about 6hr drive away (one way) so not like it was an hour away or so.

They've now had a baby. Just. One would think they'd understand more now... But they are still twattish.

Ignore and distant yourself. Easier said than done. I know. I've actually proposed that we go up there for Christmas because I knew we'd get flak otherwise. In laws however appear to be on our side. That's one saving grace.

CoconutRing Sun 27-Oct-13 22:30:26

Drop them. They are toxic.

maddening Sun 27-Oct-13 22:43:19

Invite dh's parents for new year and do xmas 2013 #2 with them - separate the relationship with them away from mr and mrs twat features for dh's sake - if they bring it up then take the opportunity to make sure they know your side of the story - I doubt they could be under any illusions but they have had the toxically happy couple's version of events probably replayed over and over again while they were living there.

As for the not taking sides - the pil lack of attention etc to new gc etc says otherwise - I think that is something that your dh would have to bring up if they remain distant despite having moved out of toxic central.

lisylisylou Sun 27-Oct-13 22:53:49

Only reason I think they reacted the way they did in the first place was maybe hurt? However, any rational person would have understood and would have made alternative arrangements. It's blown completely out of proportion and personally I think they're out of order

Morloth Sun 27-Oct-13 23:04:21

Just stay away from the crazy people.

There isn't anything you can do to make them want to spend time with you, so accept that and stay away.

If DH's parents are not taking sides then just invite them over as and when.

If you do see them at family things, smile and nod, polite but distant.

cjel Sun 27-Oct-13 23:27:02

This is going to sound really weird and I'm not underestimating the crap you've already been through, but (am ready to be flamed heresmile) if its causing trouble between you and dh could you use this 'christmas' to say to him that you will try one more last last time and if they continue to be like this that he must never expect you to do what they want again? I partly say that because it is coming between you and partly because you said you miss them? (Gets coat and slinks away)

curiousgeorgie Sun 27-Oct-13 23:32:31

That's what I thought too... But our arguing is more about DH being fed up of trying anymore and how much it gets to me.

SIL and I were both shift workers for a few years and spent all our days off together during the week, watching movies and having lunch etc..then when I had DD1 and she became pregnant with our nephew we all went to rhyme time and walked around the shops / did baby groups... That's why this has left something of a hole in my life.

DH undoubtedly misses his family but is so completely pissed off with her (that she's essentially kept him from his family for 6 months) that he wants to give up.

MurderOfBanshees Sun 27-Oct-13 23:35:24

You've got a wonderful 4 month old baby to enjoy, you shouldn't be dealing with their shit, you should be making the most of your little one. sad They are being utterly unreasonable.

SenoritaViva Sun 27-Oct-13 23:40:49

I think you're DH is right to want rid. She might have left a hole but you'll find other, nicer people to hang out with. Honestly, she sounds vile.

Sparklyboots Sun 27-Oct-13 23:44:48

Listen to DH; he's speaking sense. It is horrible and you are right but being right is not any comfort and won't change her mind or make your PiL back you up or change that the lot of them have let you down. Going over and over it in your mind won't change how dreadful it all seems and won't change the outcome. You are definitely right but it won't do you any good, won't help you fill the hole in your life and won't persuade anyone of anything except you that you are terribly hurt upset, and it won't help you fill the hole in your life.

So what can you do, given that you can't change anyone's mind or behaviour?

KeatsiePie Mon 28-Oct-13 01:38:51

Holy crap! I did NOT realize those PILs who wanted to move in and that SIL who was having the wedding abroad were the same family. Okay, they are just ridiculous people. On both those threads they sounded just madly entitled and completely lacking in perspective.

Putting together their (again, madly entitled) behavior on each separate topic, it's clear imo. that the four of them are all really overinvested in each other's happiness, to the point of supporting each other in really unreasonable and downright mean behavior no matter how extreme, and not at all invested in your happiness. Whereas you and your DH are taking the sort of normal friendly family approach of everyone being invested in everyone else's happiness in a caring-but-still-have-reasonable-boundaries sort of way.

Of course you must miss them. It really must be a big hole. But their behavior has been awful. Do you think perhaps your DH could write them a letter just setting out how and why you both found their actions so unnecessary and so hurtful, closing it saying that you both miss them very much but you're not able to be the family scapegoats or the family doormats? I just wonder, if the letter were very calm, very simple in laying out the facts and your feelings, no inflammatory language, firm but regretful, etc., it might really strike them what they have been acting like.

B/c reconciliation will only work out if they can see how unreasonable they've been. And they just can't seem to see or hear it at all. But the experience of reading that letter might lay it bare to them in a way they couldn't avoid.

Btw. I'm sorry you had such a hard time after your DD was born. I hope you're feeling okay now, and her too.

MidniteScribbler Mon 28-Oct-13 01:51:20

Think of it this way - is this the type of people you want your children being exposed to? Do you want them growing up thinking that this is normal?

chubbleigh Mon 28-Oct-13 02:04:49

Listen to your husband. He's got a point.

CanucksoontobeinLondon Mon 28-Oct-13 02:09:28

I too think your DH is right here.

holidaysarenice Mon 28-Oct-13 02:51:18

Cut the toxic bil/sil out. I would cultivate some sort of relationship with the pil for dh and dc sake possibly.

Very much on your terms and very much that they remain neutral and that that neutrality is demonstrated. I.e not by saying they aren't taking sides but then not visiting for weeks.

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