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about a change in Christmas Day plans...?

(47 Posts)
kinkyfuckery Sun 27-Oct-13 18:11:01

Last year, an aunt and uncle organised a big family Xmas meal in the village hall where they live. Many of us went and it was lovely, thoroughly nice time, etc etc. Noises were made about a repeat this year.

Fast forward to this year. Me and the DCs moved house in June. As this would be our first Christmas in our new home, I'd like to spend it at home, with my parents coming for dinner (my parents have come to me for Xmas dinner, with the exception of last year). I've asked my parents about it a few times in the last month or so, and as of last weekend there was no word of a big family 'do' so they accepted our invitation.

I've told the DCs that Granny and Grandad will be coming for Xmas at ours and they are both very excited (Up until we moved, my parents came for Sunday dinner every 2nd weekend - since we moved we've not had the space in our kitchen for a dining table so this hasn't happened since May - but kitchen is getting replaced end of next month with space for a table - yay - just in time for Xmas grin)

So today, my mum told me that aunt and uncle today invited everyone out to village hall for dinner and they've accepted, and up to us what we do.

I am so disappointed with them sad It's like they just accepted our invitation until they had a 'better' option and now they've ditched us.

So as not to drip-feed, my DCs are very hard work. DC1 has ADHD and ASD, and I have similar concerns about DC2 though she has not as yet been assessed. Frankly, the idea of being stuck in the house cleaning, cooking and trying to occupy them by myself fills me with dread on Xmas day and I was really looking forward to having my parents there to lighten the load a little, or at least distract me a little!

Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I either a) attempt to do Xmas by myself, which already makes me feel sick thinking of it, or b) disappoint the kids (and myself!) and go to a Xmas day 'do' when really I want to spend it at home for the first year in our new house. Either way, the kids are going to be difficult and confused having had their plans changed.

sigh I know I'm probably being unreasonable and should just man the fuck up and suck it up and learn how to deal with my own fucking kids, but it's just another occasion when what I want is being overlooked, yet-a-fucking-gain! stomps feet

qwertygal Mon 28-Oct-13 21:40:02

Yabu -sorry!

2 months is plenty of time to tell dc!

Plus your dp are entitled to have the Xmas day they want - after all they did the Xmas for the kids when you were a child.

I'd suggest that you all go to the party together but leave earlier for family time - some drinks, after dinner presents, picky food and perhaps a family game - round off the party with quality time with dc and dp, how does that sound ?

chrome100 Mon 28-Oct-13 14:42:40

I'd go to the do. it will be more fun for you and the kids and you have months and years to spend in your own home.

shewhowines Mon 28-Oct-13 12:40:25

I've asked my parents about it a few times in the last month or so, and as of last weekend there was no word of a big family 'do' so they accepted our invitation.

It was obvious they wanted to go to the party. You asked so many times, they were backed into a corner.

YABU, although I can understand you are disappointed.

WooWooOwl Mon 28-Oct-13 11:29:42

Having mummy and Daddy there on Christmas morning will be the best type of family time for your children, assuming you can be pleasant on Christmas Day, and they are the priority.

Make Christmas Eve really special for you and your dc instead.

bundaberg Mon 28-Oct-13 11:27:04

i really don't get mumsnet any more.

there appear to be so many posters who are just desperate to say "yabu" regardless

so what if it's 2 months away? so what if some people workj on christmas day?

it IS RUDE to accept an invitation and then turn it down when something else comes along.
OP yanbu, I would also be upset that I'd been used basically as a back-up plan by my own parents who then decided to "trade up" for a better offer. It's pretty sad.

if i were you I would tell them how disappointed you are. explain that you really wanted christmas day in your own home, that the kids were excited and that you're sad they no longer want to spend the day with you

Lilacroses Mon 28-Oct-13 11:22:13

I agree that they shouldn't have changed their plans like that when they had accepted your invitation. That was rude. Otoh I would see this as a great opportunity to have 2 special days and the one in the village hall sounds fun and will be brilliant for your kids wont it? My Dd (only child, few cousins living close by) would love this! Then you can have your parents for dinner on the christmas eve or the boxing day.

Thumbfuckerwitch Mon 28-Oct-13 11:10:00

OH that's a shame about the timing/decorating, Kinky. Sorry you have a wanker-ex to deal with on Christmas morning as well - do the DC appreciate him showing up? Or does he add to the stress?

Anyway. I can see there is more going on here - perhaps you could make a stand after the party this time and say how lovely it was but really, next year you want to have Christmas dinner at home, quietly, with grandparents and children and just enjoy a relaxing time. (fingers crossed!)

maddy68 Mon 28-Oct-13 10:58:32

As you yourself find your children challenging do you think that your parents do too? Isn't it better fur everyone to have a big family Christmas and then the children will have the distraction of the other relatives etc
Tbh if I were you I would go there. It'll be far less stressful and then have a nice quiet Xmas eve or Boxing Day

kinkyfuckery Mon 28-Oct-13 10:43:41


I will go to the hall. The kids did have a good time and were fairly well behaved, considering. It's hit or miss whether it'll be as successful this year, but I won't know if we don't do it wink

Christmas dinner is my family time. The ex insists on turning up and pissing me off on Christmas Day morning, then the kids spend Boxing Day doing nothing with him. Christmas dinner is our family time, it's really not practical to do it any other time.

The DCs were told because it was being discussed in front of them. Next time I shall lie, or ignore them.

Like I said before, I know IABU really, but am just sick of coming at the bottom of the pile. Yes, there is more to it than just a cancelling of Xmas plans, but that can all be for another day/thread wink

Thumbfuckerwitch - we can't decorate the house too far in advance and have the usual run-up to Xmas as my house will be upside down, having the central heating installed and new kitchen fitted. It's just really bad timing!!

CaptainSweatPants - no inlaws.

SunshineMMum Mon 28-Oct-13 08:05:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Mon 28-Oct-13 08:01:01

Your kids don't have to be disappointed because you can big up the hall thing plenty between now and Christmas. Did they enjoy that last year? If so i can understand you being annoyed with your parents but there is no need to say its because of the kids.

CaptainSweatPants Mon 28-Oct-13 07:54:08

Where's the inlaws in all this?
Could they come to your house for Xmas dinner ?

fortyplus Mon 28-Oct-13 07:35:24

Your parents should have asked what you thought first but YABU to fret about it - it's 2 months away and you and your dcs enjoyed the party last time. Just switch to 'Woo hoo kids - we're going to another Christmas in the village hall'. If you pout and stay at home just to make a point YABVVVVU at the expense of your dcs.

Minnieisthedevilmouse Mon 28-Oct-13 07:34:58

Two months isn't enough time to prepare them....? I'm a bit twitchy on that even with their needs? Perhaps visiting the sn boards would give you assistance in improving your techniques in that kind of area?

I'd switch to Xmas eve meal, take your pressure off and enjoy Xmas day out letting a massive group help you entertain them.

StupidFlanders Mon 28-Oct-13 07:27:46

I agree with cakebar- you knew they were waiting to see if there was a family party, you shouldn't have been surprised that they chose their first preference. And I say that as someone with first hand experience with ASD.

myBOYSareBONKERS Mon 28-Oct-13 06:46:08

Firstly I would be miffed that my parents had changed their minds.

Secondly I would not have told the DC of the plans this early as plans do get changed.

It sounds like they would prefer being with their extended family and that is their choice.

Maybe they shouldn't have accepted your invite but on mumsnet we always advise posters to do what they want. ... and they have

Thumbfuckerwitch Mon 28-Oct-13 05:25:23

YANBU in feeling a bit peeved that they appear to have dumped you for a better offer, but you could tell when they accepted that they only did so in lieu of the big party, because they didn't think it was happening.

I understand your wanting to have your first Christmas dinner in your own home, but under the circs, I think you would be better off going to the big family gathering, where your DC will be more entertained than just at home with you; unless they get distressed in large gatherings?

You will be able to set Christmas up for weeks ahead - decorate early, have the tree up, have a lovely Christmas Eve, lovely Boxing Day (could your parents come for that instead?) etc; so it's not the end of the world, even if your parents appeared rude and dismissive. How far away is the do? As others have said, most of Christmas could still be at your house, just go out for the "do" and come home again - you've plenty of time to get your DC accustomed to the change in plan.

Morloth Mon 28-Oct-13 04:36:40

YANBU in that they shouldn't have changed plans without discussing with you.

However it is still October, which gives you plenty of time to get the kids used to the change of plans.

In your shoes I would have Christmas morning at home and then head out to the big family do.

Just let it go, it isn't worth stressing about.

MusicalEndorphins Mon 28-Oct-13 04:29:14

I would have usual Christmas morning, then go to the "do" for the party, dinner, then come home, parents in tow. Have nice evening together, then next day a lovely Boxing day meal.

CoolaSchmoola Mon 28-Oct-13 03:37:36

LaGuardia you CHOSE a job where you would have to work Christmas day, no need whatsoever to take out your feelings about the result of your choice on the op.

It really boils my piss when people use something they chose to play the 'get over yourself, my situation is much more shit' card. If you don't like the results of the choices YOU made then make different choices rather than belittling someone else's feelings about a situation they DIDN'T choose.

Retroformica Sun 27-Oct-13 21:25:43

Why don't you just go to the village hall. You can have Boxing Day with your parents

carvedpumpkin Sun 27-Oct-13 21:19:36

oh but in my opinion yanbu, Christmas means a lot to me and I like it to be a certain way, traditional and with family, so I understand you were looking forward to starting new traditions in your new family home.

carvedpumpkin Sun 27-Oct-13 21:18:36

Could you speak to your mum about how hurt you feel at her changing plans like this? is there a chance she feels she might be doing you a favour by saving you the work? (my mum is like this, constantly saying that she wants to 'save me the bother' when actually I like having her round for tea!)

ForalltheSaints Sun 27-Oct-13 21:14:42

You have had two months warning, so you can plan for Christmas at your home, which is what I think you should do.

Nanny0gg Sun 27-Oct-13 21:06:50

Why was that necessary LaGuardia?

The OP has explained that her DC don't cope well with a change in circumstances and I can understand the wish to celebrate in her new home also.

There's always someone worse off, but if we all worried about that there would be no AIBU, would there?

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